Well, I am here to report that LG is doing the important work. They are making gold cell phones to launch Hollywood’s blockbuster season. Rejoice public! The Iron Man phone is here! Complete with radioactive tumor causing powers!

Ah, look at it. It just reeks of superhero-dom. Stinks of it really. It’s got a solid 18 Karat gold battery cover, and it can fly, and it can save the world, and defeat the commies, and hook up with hotties, and beat up your dad. That’s right. LG has made a phone that can beat up your dad.

Now let’s examine the choice of gold for cellphone construction. Gold is a soft metal, so soft that you can leave teeth marks in it. It is however, stronger than aluminum foil, which was the previously chosen material. LG executives wanted to give Iron Man phone owners the chance to wrap up their lunch leftovers after they were full.

Seriously though, shouldn’t the phone be stronger than gold. Isn’t Iron Man supposed to be at least somewhat strong? I haven’t seen the flick yet, but I’m assuming, from what I know about superheroes, that soft and mailable is not part of Iron Man’s skill set. Now, platinum would have been hot. Iron a tad heavy, but at least sightly more fitting. Adamantium would have mixed up comic book heroes, but at least it would have been un-breakable. But gold? I don’t know. If I was carrying my $1,500 gold cellphone in my pocket with my keys, and whipped it out at any one of the many celebrity functions I go to only to see the word “medeco” imprinted on the back, I’d be pissed.

I’d pit my old Motorola StarTac against the LG Iron Man phone in a cage match any day. That thing was amazing. I used to throw that phone on the ground at bars as a trick to get drinks. I once submerged that thing in a NYC puddle for 60 seconds. It still worked. Dried it out in the oven, disinfected it with some Purel, and bam, it still worked. My StarTac would bitch slap this glitzy, pansy, life coach, dream catcher wanna be, aroma therapy, pilates doin’, Paris Hilton chillin with, bullshit phone.

No wait, let’s pit the Iron Man phone against a modern current phone. Maybe we should put the Iron Man phone up against the Sonim XP1.

This phone can’t even be beaten by a German elephant. Now thats a tough phone.

Or a lightweight Euro car for that matter.

But maybe I’m being too judgmental. The Iron Man phone is simply a PR stunt. A glorified eBay auction. A blog blip. Or is it a couple bags of blow for the Iron Man himself? Here he is, showing it off to his dealer. That’ll getcha high, Bobby!

No no. I jest. Robert Downey Jr. Is really an incredible actor, and a very good guy. But the joke had to be made.

But I like this, cellphone companies should make phones for every movie. Imagine the Motorola JUNO phone. It has only extremely hip, folk ring tones, and is decorated with a bedazzler. Or the Nokia, There Will be Blood phone. It’s a drill and a soulless bastard all in one. Or even the Inconvenient Truth phone by Samsung. It basically a tree with a blue tooth ear piece.

I guess as long as there are massive blockbuster films, and products to place in them, we will never be free of the retardedly over priced PR stunt product, but I sure hope no one actually thinks this thing is important.

Check out the Sonim here

- Captain Cellfish
AKA Iron Woman

Well, the downfall of our society continues.

Gone are the good ‘ole days of yore, when you could spend a butt load of cash and actually get something of quality. See-ya later! Peace out! Yep, now all we have is a world where if you spend a butt load of cash, you’ll just get a piece of crap that makes you feel rich (even though you’ll be broke).

Case in point. One of my fellow Cellfishers recently purchased the Nokia N95. Price tag… $800.00 (= $800.00 Canadian = 10 Euros). For the sake of protecting his identity I will call him Barry Plandesberg. So Barry had his shiny new phone. A 5 Mega Pixel camera, awesome video camera, sexy slide activation, all kinds of bells and whistles. (Check out what the Diva said about it, here.) So Barry was braggin’ as was his right, that Nokia bad boy was sleek as heck.

Ah, but how fleeting bragging rights can be. Now it’s two weeks later and the ear piece is totally crackling, the videos are saved so big that they can’t be sent to anyone, the phone crashes approx. once every hour, the video phone call feature is not available in the USA, and the screen is constantly covered in face cheese. Needless to say, poor Barry is frickin’ pissed.

If the N95 was the only high-end waste of cash I would be able to stop there and not fret about the larger implications, but it isn’t, so fret I will. The next waste of cash is my sexy, brand new Jetta… It’s issue? The digital clock in the dash is slow… Like, really slow, (two minutes a day).

Now, the last I checked, digital clocks are not very hard to make accurate. I mean, the Chinese guys on the subway who sell them for $.63 would probably agree with me. But I guess VW had to cut corners on the Jetta to meet budget constraints (and if they’re cutting corners in Germany we are all in trouble).

Next up… Windows Vista. What can I say? Yikes, that thing stinks. Here’s my equation for the pricing of that thing. (If Quality = Price, than Price = $23.99)

And finally we arrive at my doorknobs. You see my wife and wanted our new apt. to be rockin’, so we went to Home Depot where I said to her, “F$#% it! Let’s get the nice door knobs. Sure it’s a monumental waste of money at $70.00 a pop. But quality door hardware is always worth it. We’ll be turning these things until we’re wrinkled and dumb.” She smiled at me, grabbed five of them, and said, “It’s the little things, that make a home.” It was a very magical moment.

Take a look at these bad boys. They are sweeeeeet.

Then low and behold, after about a month they started falling apart. Total junk. Glued on glass, loose fittings, and sticky mechanisms… Total shite, just like the $800.00 phone. So where does this leave us? My friends it’s time we speak out. Sure there are about 77,992 better topics worth protesting these days, but screw all them. I call for a quality uprising. I want you all to stand up from your desks right now. Get up and go over to the window (if you’re in an office building, smash something through the glass) and scream, “I want to spend my money, and I want to spend it on something that doesn’t suck!” (I’ll have the PR dept. work up a better slogan, but they’re all on line waiting to get their copies of Halo 3 right now)So rise up and take to the streets, in your poorly made sneakers and march behind Captain Cellfish’s sweatshop sewn banner. Because if we’re not careful we’ll look back on the crap products of today and wish life was that good.

Well, here at Cellfish we believe in quality over price, that is why our site is free to join, and we make quality video products for your enjoyment. And I’ll tell you this. You can watch this next video over and over and it won’t ever break. So enjoy our over sexed librarian, Ms. Bosworth…

- Captain Cellfish
Inspector 12 - Fruit of the Loom

Captain Cellfish is not a hippy. Captain Cellfish does however enjoy peace, but he does not write it on his forehead. He doesn’t really write anything on his forehead at all. (Except for when Captain Cellfish gets blackout drunk at company parties and passes out in the coat check room and other Cellfishers write things on his forehead, but that is besides the point) Captain Cellfish enjoys a certain level of violence from time to time. He is not opposed to a good action sequence. But something has gone terribly wrong. Something must be done.

With the release of the new Motorola Razr 2 a trend is emerging. Cellphone companies seem to want us to use our phones to slice each other up, like wandering samurai in the 18th century ,Japanese countryside. Here’s the problem. You can’t sharpen your phone, nor can you stab someone with it. And any commercial that says you can is lying. Why, just last week as I was getting off the subway in Brooklyn and I tried to slash a sexy brunette with my cellphone. Unfortunately her clothes did not peel off, but she did spray my face, eyes, mouth and head area with pepper spray.

I considered suing Motorola for false advertising, but our society is litigious enough as is. But these people really should be ashamed for making such a stupid ad.

Okay so if you will bare with me I’d like to de-construct this incredible piece of Ad dollars hard at work.

1. Cellphones don’t ever work in subways, so this guy must be on mescaline and hallucinating his butt off.
2. Any two people that wear that much black either work at an art gallery, or are on their way to audition for The Matrix (the musical). Neither of those two categories of people are qualified for a knife fight (more over a cellphone blade fight).
3. Lady is obviously on her way to said Matrix audition because of the blatant Matrix rip-off, kung-fu “come hither” move, which I might add wasn’t even really that fresh in the movie.
4. The idea that the Motorola Razr2, if used correctly, will get models to strip off their clothes insults my (very limited) intelligence.
5. When dude’s sleeves get cut off I can’t help but think that is a shout out to the “Beat It” video, and frankly, I would much rather be watching those professional toothpick chewers dancing out their aggression in their musty warehouse.
6. The fact that home boy takes a snap shot of the femme fatal as he dips her is just ludicrous. What kind of a fight is this? What reality are we in? Oh yeah, we’re in cellphone, battle land where models do a slice and dice tango to illuminate exactly how fresh this phone is. What’s going on? Someone help me out here.
7. I guess the guy wins, but only because he gets the ability to finally prove exactly how sharp this phone is by chucking it at a wall.I’ll tell you what I would like to chuck at a wall. The numb-skulls who made this ad.

The Samsung Blade, the Sanyo Katana, the sidekick. The Nokia Glock. The Radio Shack Slingshot. The LG WMD. I think these companies are trying to tell us something. Soon you’re gonna see NRA bumper stickers saying, “Cellphones don’t kill… People do.” & “My Treo is protected under the constitution!” But, my friends Cellphones are not weapons. They are phones. So let’s all just get along and use our phones as forces of good.

This is more like it.

- Captain Cellfish
Kent State Protester
(I got gravel in my eye, missed most of the shooting)

Okay feathered friends I am back, rebirthed, wide eyed, and bushy faced. I have sat in 17 meetings, read 38 memos, replied all to 1,348 emails, listened in on mute to 8 conference calls, drank 12 after work drinks, and wolfed down 1 lunch meeting. And guess what?

I now know exactly what this blog will be. Gone are the days of mindless rants, and overwritten diatribes. (well, obviously they’re not completely gone)

Arrived are the days of poignant, informative, overwritten diatribes.

So as Tony Montoya once said, “say hello to my little mission statement”…

The Cellfish blog will be a place where the layman can get news, tips, advice and opinions about the mobile entertainment world. It will serve as a bridge between the high tech world and the regular joes/joesephines.

Ok. You got that buck-o?

I hope you were paying attention, cause I am only saying it once. Now on to my next order of business.

Shout Outs! Over the past few weeks we have been getting a ton of blog posts written about us. (they’re sponsored posts, but they all seem to really dig our service)

So I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone out there who wrote reviews of our modest, little website.

Here are just some of the peeps who wrote about us:
Justin Lewis
Oh, Hey
Bryan’s Rants
A Tale of Two Mamas
Top 10 Tech Web Tips
Jenny’s Wandering Thoughts
And To Think
I’m Blogging That

And that’s just a few. A good couple of weeks to say the least. So check out their blogs cause they all had pretty cool experiences with us, and also had some great stuff to say.

So have a really Cellfish day!
(they put a gun to my head and made me say that)

- Captain Cellfish
Recovering Corn Chip Addict

This post you are reading right now is mainly to heap praise and gratitude on one of the internet’s finest blog personalities. The man of whom I am referring is named Alan Henry. A nice name. A kind name. Sort of a down home, straight talk, cook you a good burger kind of name. (sorry Alan if you are a vegetarian, and you don’t live in a home). I’ve never met the guy, but if I did I’d buy him a drink or seven.

Why am I heaping all this praise on this one man?

Well, Alan dearest wrote one heck of a review of Cellfish on appscout.com. The man gets it. And when you get it, you get it, and boy did he get it. He got it so well that I’d go as far as to say, “homey done gots it.”

Check out what he said here

Anyway, keep those good reviews coming. We do love our fans.

- Captain Cellfish
Dishonorably Discharged from the Salvation Army 12/25/05