Well, I am here to report that LG is doing the important work. They are making gold cell phones to launch Hollywood’s blockbuster season. Rejoice public! The Iron Man phone is here! Complete with radioactive tumor causing powers!

Ah, look at it. It just reeks of superhero-dom. Stinks of it really. It’s got a solid 18 Karat gold battery cover, and it can fly, and it can save the world, and defeat the commies, and hook up with hotties, and beat up your dad. That’s right. LG has made a phone that can beat up your dad.

Now let’s examine the choice of gold for cellphone construction. Gold is a soft metal, so soft that you can leave teeth marks in it. It is however, stronger than aluminum foil, which was the previously chosen material. LG executives wanted to give Iron Man phone owners the chance to wrap up their lunch leftovers after they were full.

Seriously though, shouldn’t the phone be stronger than gold. Isn’t Iron Man supposed to be at least somewhat strong? I haven’t seen the flick yet, but I’m assuming, from what I know about superheroes, that soft and mailable is not part of Iron Man’s skill set. Now, platinum would have been hot. Iron a tad heavy, but at least sightly more fitting. Adamantium would have mixed up comic book heroes, but at least it would have been un-breakable. But gold? I don’t know. If I was carrying my $1,500 gold cellphone in my pocket with my keys, and whipped it out at any one of the many celebrity functions I go to only to see the word “medeco” imprinted on the back, I’d be pissed.

I’d pit my old Motorola StarTac against the LG Iron Man phone in a cage match any day. That thing was amazing. I used to throw that phone on the ground at bars as a trick to get drinks. I once submerged that thing in a NYC puddle for 60 seconds. It still worked. Dried it out in the oven, disinfected it with some Purel, and bam, it still worked. My StarTac would bitch slap this glitzy, pansy, life coach, dream catcher wanna be, aroma therapy, pilates doin’, Paris Hilton chillin with, bullshit phone.

No wait, let’s pit the Iron Man phone against a modern current phone. Maybe we should put the Iron Man phone up against the Sonim XP1.

This phone can’t even be beaten by a German elephant. Now thats a tough phone.

Or a lightweight Euro car for that matter.

But maybe I’m being too judgmental. The Iron Man phone is simply a PR stunt. A glorified eBay auction. A blog blip. Or is it a couple bags of blow for the Iron Man himself? Here he is, showing it off to his dealer. That’ll getcha high, Bobby!

No no. I jest. Robert Downey Jr. Is really an incredible actor, and a very good guy. But the joke had to be made.

But I like this, cellphone companies should make phones for every movie. Imagine the Motorola JUNO phone. It has only extremely hip, folk ring tones, and is decorated with a bedazzler. Or the Nokia, There Will be Blood phone. It’s a drill and a soulless bastard all in one. Or even the Inconvenient Truth phone by Samsung. It basically a tree with a blue tooth ear piece.

I guess as long as there are massive blockbuster films, and products to place in them, we will never be free of the retardedly over priced PR stunt product, but I sure hope no one actually thinks this thing is important.

Check out the Sonim here

- Captain Cellfish
AKA Iron Woman

Yes. It was time… It had to happen.

Just as moses needed to deliver those commandments to calm the unruly mob… Just as Martha Stewart had to let the world know how to set a Thanksgiving table… Just as Jesus needed to deliver the sermon on the mount to say wassup to his peeps… And just as Tom Cruise needed to educate Matt Lauer on the subject of mental illness… I, Captain Cellfish have been summoned by a greater power to deliver my knowledge to the world.

Let me begin by saying, I love the iPhone. It is very sexy. Sexy like a hot librarian. Smart, sleek, accessible, tantalizing, organized and powerful. Do you get the feeling that I want an iPhone? (see previous sentence)

Now some may say that this post is blatant iPhone envy. Others may claim I am a hater, pure and simple. Well correct me if I’m wrong, but I think Jesus, Moses, Martha and Tom have all been accused of being haterz at one time or another. So I’m gonna fit right in line.

So without further ado…

The Official iPhone Etiquette Guide.

1. Sir, your fly is unzipped!

You wouldn’t intentionally walk into an office, a restaurant, or a party with your fly unzipped and your Johnsonian hanging out would you? (depends on the party, I guess) But you see the point here. Please don’t whip out your phone before making your entrance. If you need a phone to help you make an entrance, you need a lot more help than any phone can give you. Okay, if you have legitimate business on the phone I understand. Say, for instance, if someone is calling you. But yanking it out of your pants merely to make sure your pristine touch screen is still functional, is a major no-no.

2. You will get duck sauced!

When at a restaurant, do not place your iPhone on the table for all to see. That move is basically like being so burdened by your cash-stuffed wallet, that you simply must get it out of your pocket and onto the table before your sciatica acts up. I personally guarantee that if I see another iPhone sitting on a restaurant table I will do one of three things.

1) I’ll just take it (I am a Brooklyn boy at heart).

2) I will loudly say, “Oh my god! Is that an iPhone? How do you like it? That’s so freaking cool that you have one. I am really envious!” (BTW I know that’s what you want me to think, and the truth is, it is very close to what I am actually thinking, but we both know you do NOT want me to say it out (very) loud.)

3) I will dump duck sauce on it. Even if we’re not in a Chinese restaurant, I’ll go find some god damn duck sauce, and squeeze it out on your phone. Then that “slide to unlock” feature will be pretty sticky.

3. Hey rabbit ears, find a router!
We all know that sometimes your iPhone load times can be a real drag. We know that you are partially a slave to the world of wi-fi. Yes sometimes it’s hard to choose between Starbucks network, NetGear, The Donkey Palace, and Smoochies Rubber Goods, but when you’re standing there holding your iPhone to the sky like you were Thor the Norse God of Thunder, you look pretty whack. I mean, if every time all you iPhoners did it Steve Jobs, and Justin Long (mac boy) were able to send a bolt of Apple Lightning to you giving you that T3 connection you crave, that would be cool. But until that day, all this Thundercats behavior must cease and desist.

4. Thanks, I’m all good on the cheek cheese for now.
Okay, so you have a very impressive collection of J Coug Mellancamp albums on your phone, those pictures of your sister’s puppy pooping out tinsel are incredible, and the YouTube video of those guys spoofing that Gap ad is just too amazing to wait to see at home. And yes, I do want to see it all. Ah but here’s the rub. That touch screen has been fused to your cheek for the last three months, and based on your minutes, you’re using it for like 900 peak and god knows how much off peak. Now sadly, I have to use my finger to scroll through all the great stuff you want to show me.

Your screen is greasy, and now my finger smells like your face. So like Woodsy’s niece, Hooter used to say, “Don’t snipe, give your iPhone a wipe”

5. iXnay on the iSmall talk
I will go as far as to say that talking about the weather is at least 10 times more productive than discussing your iPhone. Especially these days. The weather’s a freakin thrill ride. Soon, talking about the weather will be like describing a police chase you saw last night. “Did you see the flood waters when they hit the power plant? Holy dip, that shit was crazy!” Global warming has re-defined our small talk. Your cellphone, on the other hand, has not.

With all the important issues that are going on in the world (all the the fine reality TV, all the fantastic post holiday sales, all the sports steroids, and Britney death watches) there is so much more to do around the water cooler than chat about your iPhone. If you want to discuss the features of your mobile device, feel free to do it all night long at home. Hey, that’s why it’s a phone, just keep it behind closed doors, people.

Well, that’s it for now. While I know there are many other topics to be discussed, I’m afraid these may mostly fall under general cell phone etiquette, which is a much longer list. (one that I am dutifully compiling, along with famous IM typos, and instances of email tone inference destroying relationships) So, please all you fine readers out there, if you have any other iFauxne pho-pas that you have seen members of our society commit, please forward them on to me and I will gladly amend this list.

Until next time,

- Captain Cellfish
iNspector # 12
(Fruit of the Loom)

Unworthy denizens of this pathetic planet! Behold!

A phone! In a… Cup…. Of… Water!             Holy Crap!

And get this. It is slim. Fujitsu’s new year’s resolution worked. Their handsets went on Jenny Craig. Valerie Bertinelli and Kirstie Alley got drunk and made out with it. Now it is slim and sexy. Ready for the runways of Milan… The underwater runways that is!

In a time where being the first seems to be more important than being good, or even being useful, my good friends over at Fujitsu have touched the gods. (not inappropriate touching either).

For the person who drops their phone in the toilet once a week, or the sloppy drunk who can’t seem to direct the beer into his/her quivering mouth, a large electronics corp has devoted their resources to make this incredible creation. While companies across this planet could have been making greener phones who’s compounds don’t poison the earth, or phones that get solid reception in elevators, or have better video capabilities, or emit less radiation, or are cheaper, or have better web access, or higher resolution screens, or smoother keypads, or can buy clothes, or open your garage door, or change the channel on your Tivo… Nope Fujitsu made a slim waterproof phone. Amazing!

BTW kudos on the branding guys. With a name like F705i the Razr better hide and the iPhone better run for the hills. I have been privileged to find out that the F705i was actually chosen over some of these other great names.

The following is a secret Fujitsu Marketing email that I intercepted.

—– Begin Transmission ——
To: Frank DelNipple
From: Carl
Subj: Possible names for the waterproof phone

Hey Frank,

The marketing team and I have come up with a list of hot ass names for the new phone. This thing is gonna sell like hot cakes to the 1 meter deep snorkeling cellphone community. While we all love the name F705i, we feel there may be some market share that we’re not tapping into. Please choose from the following list, and we’ll move forward with the “Hey, it’s in a cup!” Ad campaign.

These are the alternate names.
(I’m all about #4)

1. The Fujitsu Drooler
2. JHX2347QNGE
3. Fuji Sponge
4. Electric Gerbil
5. Meat Juice Fujitsu
6. Not Wet Talky Thing
7. Cocaine (this was Dierdra’s idea, I have already fired her)

Hugs & Smooches,

Carl

—– End Transmission ——

Next up Fujitsu will be launching, these great new products.
Spring ‘08 - The Chubster (the fattest waterproof phone)
Fall ‘08 - The Unicall (a unicycle cellphone for clowns)
Winter ‘09 - Mobile Pastrami (a lunch meat version of the F705i)

Okay, that’s enough…

Why am I ripping Fujitsu a new one here? I have to say I don’t quite know. The company never insulted me or my family. They never pooped on my lawn (I don’t even have a lawn). Their products seem fine. I even like their logo. So why would I do this to them?

I’ll tell you. Because I am a blogger, and bloggers defame with impunity. So defame I will. With impunity!

Here’s the cellphone gadget I just bought.

Talk about useful!  You can get it here

- Captain Cellfish
Amateur Beta Tester

p.s. I hereby formally apologize to Yoshihiko Masuda CEO of Fujitsu for any bad things I said. I was only kidding. (seriously though, the name is pretty whack)

Yes it’s true. The Norwegians have done it again.

Surprising? Heck no! These guys have been catching the world off guard for eons. 1st there were the Viking invasions, then the great speed skating sex scandals of 1912, and now this. Norwegian airlines has just announced that passengers will now be able to use their cell phones on flights. Read the facts here.

So the next time you’re going from Dubrovnik (DBV) to Trondheim (TRD) you will have the god given right to call your buddy and tell him all about how scrumptious that incredible plate of Rakfisk (fermented Norwegian trout, see below) you chowed this morning was.

Yummy!

So if the Norse can do it why can’t we?

God, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that…

Word on the street is that, when that massive bandwidth auction takes place, a little section might be used to create a little space for all of us to use on our trips through the great blue yonder. Won’t that be nice.

Now, you’ll be able to drown out the dreaded screaming child by sitting next to a caffeinated teenage girl en route to spring break, a few death metal ring tones, a weeping divorce’ talking to her lawyer, a drunk toner salesman chatting up his mistress, and me, explaining a dream I had to my pal, that was about a time when I went to Subway, and they only had seven grain bread. (true story, that was the whole f-ing dream. When I woke up I realized I needed some more excitement in my life)

So let’s assume that this statement is true. Most people hate most of the people they see around them at all times. Then it’s pretty safe to assume that unbridled cellphone usage on planes might not be the best idea in the world. We could have some pretty serious rage incidents of Nokia’s beging smashed on people’s heads, or iPhones being used as forced suppositories.

Sure, if your halfway through your flight from Gadank (GDN) to Stavanger (SVG) and these two kindly Norwegians are chatting with their grand daughters at the luge training facility, life would be fine.

Or better yet, the grand daughters are sitting next to you talking to Mamu and Papi on the phone. (see imaginary grand daughters below)

But we here in America are used to different in-flight experiences. We get the kind where religious zealots with bad breath, screaming parents, kvetching retirees and surly 25 year veteran stewardesses do everything in their power to disturb you. So let’s be careful how we open up the airways.

Speaking of airways, when the Captain was but a young lad there was a time where leathery skinned, raspy smokers used to populate the backs of planes, calming their frayed nerves with an endless stream of Camel un-filtereds. A pleasant smell? Not really, but the one thing I knew was that that was where the cool kids were hanging out. So that is what I propose. A calling section, similar to the smoking section of old. More of a lounge than a seat.

As this is a topic that will soon be upon us like a plate of fresh Pinnekjøtt, I ask all of you, my readers, to chime in and let me know how you feel. Yes, we are a mobile world now, and I, working for a mobile entertainment company value my cell phone and all the awesome things it can do as much as the next Norwegian, but do we really want that last place of disconnectedness to be, all of a sudden very much online?

I for one, do not know the answer. So please, chime in friends.

- Captain Cellfish
Assistant to Prime Minister Thorbjørn Jagland

Okay, so we’ve all heard the stories.

Britney dumping K-Fed by text message, Giuliani professing love for Mike Huckabee during the last debate via love text notes of less than 160 characters, Moses getting the 11th commandment by SMS. Yes, the text message is now officially, an entrenched part of our society. Like a holiday house guest that won’t leave, drinks all your scotch, pees on the toilet seat, sleeps naked on your couch, and makes love to your aunt (Max, if you’re reading this, it is really time for you to leave).

That being said, there are no official rules yet for this method of communication. There are plenty of letter writing rules, emailing regulations and phone manner do’s and don’ts, but really not too much out there about text messaging. It’s sort of like the wild west right now (minus the streets covered in filth, the burlesque dancers, and the lack of antibiotics). I’ve taken the cue from you, my reading public to continue my quest to illuminate all that is shadowed in the world of text messaging. Some may say I’m a loser (and by some, I mean all), but I will trudge on. Did HL Mencken stop when people said he’d never amount to anything?

So if you haven’t already please read my expose post on T9’s Text Message Censorship. It’s basically like Edward R Murrow, meets Rainbow Brite.

So without further… The top 6 things it is NOT okay to do Via Text message.

6. Fire Someone
Hear this… Even if your employee hasn’t been in in weeks, you’ve traced the buttock xeroxes to him, and the most work he’s put in this quarter is extensive picture tagging of strangers on Facebook, do not fire him by text message. It’s cruel, cowardly, and just plain wrong. If someone has to get the boot, at least show him the decency of actually placing a boot on his butt. Messages such as this, “Harold, IMAO we won’t be needing your services anymore, thanks for your time here at Uglyco. CYAL8R!” should never be written.

5. Coming Out Of The Closet
The thing about text messaging is that there is a huge margin of error built in to the system. Between the small size of the screen, the clumsy fingering, the reviewing that never happens, and the vagaries of predictive text software, your very important message could “come out” all wrong. Outing yourself is not something you want to mess up. You really only get one shot at it so make it count. Banners hanging out of your window, tattoos, soap box proclamations, marching bands, these are all better than a text message coming out notice.

4. Suicide Notes
Maybe if you are the type of person who would leave their suicide note by SMS, you should kill yourself. But for the rest of us, text messages are officially the least dramatic form of writing on this planet. They are right below musical greeting cards, nutritional information, and blogs. So for your own suicide, that most dramatic of moments, you would have to be a Colonel in the Whack Brigade to leave a note saying something like, “Life was 2 much of a burden for me. I luv u Phillip, TTFN.”

3. Medical Results
Yes, we all know that in today’s world people are always on the go, and you need your information at the speed of light’s sneezes, but getting medical test results from your doctor via text message will just never be a good thing. “U r Prgnt!” is just so bad in so many ways. Not mention the possibility of sending it to the wrong person. Let’s keep it to a nervous phone call, and a nurse who sounds like she hates you.

2. Wishing Your Mother a Happy Birthday
When you care enough to do the very least! Listen, E-cards ain’t so hot either, but at least there is a modicum of effort involved. If you’re looking to get yourself cut out of a will, then this is the way to go. It’s like tipping one penny. It’s nicer to forget to tip, than to leave one penny. One penny says you hated the service so much, that you had to make a point of it. Well, it’s the same with a text message birthday greeting to the woman who put you on this planet. And the chances are that she probably won’t even know how to open the message anyway, so call her up, will ya?

1. Break-Ups
I mean, just be a man or woman about it ,and have the courage to do it at least through a voice mail. We know how attractive the idea of not having to actually take part in the break-up interaction is, but it is that very desire to stay away, which makes it important for us to be involved. It is in those trying times that we get the knowledge of exactly how poorly we behave when we’re in situations we don’t like. And that knowledge is priceless.

So where does this leave us in regards to text messaging. Let’s say this, as a general statement. Texting ain’t so hot for anything serious. If you would deem your message as important, probably best to find an alternate mode of communication. A real life visit, a phone call, a carrier pigeon, all of these things would work better. But on the plus side there is no better way to tell your buddy that the girl he’s talking to is not attractive than the ole’ Text Message. So here’s to you, shining beacon of shallow talk. May our days be filled with abbreviations, and our nights with LOL’s!

Here’s a little video for your viewing pleasure.

))><((
(ten bucks to anyone who can tell me what that symbol is)

-Captain Cellfish
Executive Vice President, Viral Marketing
AOL Instant Messenger

Okay, you could accuse me of being a broken record if I knew what a record was, but I don’t, so you can’t!

Well, the G-men have done it yet again. They have released Google Mobile Maps 2.0, and they have released it for free (yes, free like our ringtones). And from all reviews it sounds like it kicks serious back end. Check it out this is Jean Claude Le Goog’s demo video.

(they’re getting pretty good at these nifty little animations aren’t they?)
I also found good reviews of it at Sevenclick and Adam Howitt’s blog. (If you like reading the industry side of things check out Gizmodo or Moconews.)So here’s the thing, I think most people would agree that Colonel Goo is very powerful and wealthy. They make a “shit-ton” (a mobile industry technical term synonymous with the more common, “butt-load”) of money. So will someone please explain to me why they keep giving away all their software and great ideas for free? Anyone?… Anyone?… Matthew Broderick?

Okay fine, I’ll tell you. G-Diddy gives it all away because they are… Geniuses. They have a long range vision that is going to keep them on top for a very long time to come. You see, Baron Von Googy knows that in the incredibly tricky, shape shifting world of technology you’ll only win if you and your services are the basis from which technology is created. You have to BE the language that the developers speak, and the products and tools that they all use. And while you will not immediately receive financial reward for giving away your services, you will almost certainly create virtually limitless financial opportunities for yourself down the road.Yes, Professor G. Hendrick Oogle has done it right, and they have done it right publicly, in front of us all. A shining beacon of capitalism at it’s best. Literally giving away billions in potential sales for the opportunity for trillions down the road (I would pick up my jaw off the floor if I could just stop smooching their butt for one second, but I can’t).

So why oh why, won’t anyone else learn. Especially in (what should be) the wide open mobile industry. As I have stated many times before (see The Story of Thanksgiving) the carriers seem to be stuck in a December 24th Scrooge scenario when instead they should be in a x-mass morning, joyous, pajama clad, “Say boy!… Boy!… Come here boy!… Go and buy that fat-ass goose for me boy!” kind of mood. It would do us all a lot of good. Carriers, consumers, companies, etc.

When will they learn that the more they try and squeeze dollars out of the mobile industry, the more market share they will lose. I can tell you this, the home boys and girls over at Verizon’s $9.99/mo GPS service are none too pleased. And I’ll take it one step further. If Verizon had been giving away their great GPS service for the last three years, they’d have a whole “shit-ton” more subscribers who really wouldn’t give a damn what the Duchess of Goo had just launched.

Well, we here at Cellfish.com say, “Go Ogle!” whether you care about us or not. We love what you do, we love your business model, but bigger than that, we think how you handle the mobile world is not only financially wise, but that it will lead to a greater, more robust, and more exciting marketplace. This saucy critic says, bravo to you!

So, with all that in mind we have some pretty great news of our own!

ANNOUNCING… ADD TO PHONE!

Yes, our Add to Phone API is out and it let’s you do some pretty fresh things. You can place any of our buttons on your blog and with one simple, mousy click, your readers can get your content on their phones to take with them wherever they go.

Now your readers can be checking out your latest post while their wives deliver their children. Nuclear power plant monitors can be watching your videos while on the job. Pilots can see pictures of your family’s thanksgiving food fight while flying 747’s full of orphans. It’s awesome! And here’s the thing. It is free! Gratis, on the house, no cost, zilch, on the Underhill’s tab. Why are we doing this? Have we gone mad, are we nutty? No!

We want everyone on this blue planet of ours to get their blog news/videos/photos on their phones through us.

So here’s to hoping you all go out and grab one of our buttons and add it to your blog. Pease enjoy this little ditty about how it works.

- Captain Cellfish
2007 Best Supporting Actor Nominee

Gather ’round my little cherubic friends and I’ll tell you a tale. Come warm ye paws by my hearth, drink some of this here meade (Colt 45), and open thyne ears.

In honor of this, our yearly feast I will offer a retelling of the great American fable. The Story of Thanksgiving.

This version will be slightly different than the traditional version. In this version, the role of the Native Americans will be played by the Cellphone Carriers and the role of the Hungry Pilgrims will be played by us, Cellfish.

So here goes…

It was fall 1621 and the Pilgrims were hungry. Our fledgling crops looked pretty lame, and we needed help. We were a strong bunch of motivated, religious zealots, and we were ready to make a go of it in the new world.

We were going to make mobile entertainment here as big as it is in Europe. American mobile technology was the new world and our rickety ship had made the daunting trans Atlantic journey. And when we landed we marveled at the vast wide open spaces, the incredible marketplace that was this great land. Sure we had our stupid black hats on, our belt buckles were cumbersome, and our shoes were impractical, but we gave it all we had. Then we found that this great open territory was not quite as forgiving as it had looked from the poop deck of the Mayflower.

So we, the scrappy little pilgrims were hungry, weary, and looking for a little help from our native friends (the carriers). We were merely looking for a way to monetize mobile entertainment, so the public could get what they want, we would be able to put over-sized fowl on our tables, and the carriers could continue to rake in the dollars.

This is what we were looking for…

(btw that’s me there, the little puritanical looking number with the bonnet, giving some bread to the carriers)

But in our little version of the Thanksgiving story, we were not helped. In fact, in our version of the story, the carriers come and take our crops, let us starve in the bitter Massachusetts winter, pee on our fires, and leave us for dead.

Our version of the tale looks a bit more like this.

(that’s us with the pinky finger in our nose)

So here’s how our version of the Thanksgiving story ends. All the pilgrims die, the New World never flourishes, and Twinkies, Johnny Cash, iPhones, and the Ford Mustang never exist. The end.

If your children are crying due to the tragic nature of this tale let them know “the world is a cold place, get used to it.”

So what are the lessons that this Thanksgiving tale teaches us?

Instead of being giving, forward looking and open, the carriers have been the opposite. They have held onto every last penny making sure that the consumer has had no choice but to find alternative ways to get music and videos on their phones. If the mobile entertainment world is going to survive in the face of iPhones and Androids, something is going to have to give, and if it doesn’t, this beautiful unspoiled new world harvest which could have looked like this…

Will very soon look like this instead.

But never fear. We here at Cellfish.com have plenty to be thankful for. Our web site is kicking butt, our users are extremely happy, our offer of free ringtones is still going on (go get ‘em people, cause this giving spirit only lasts for so long) and life is all together peachy.

So happy Thanksgiving everyone.

- Captain Cellfish
Director of Revisionist History

Okay, so that title may fall under the umbrella of, “If you needed to warn me about that, I shouldn’t be a parent” statements. But don’t let my stupid title fool you, iPhones actually contain more toxic chemicals than any other major brand of cellphone out there. (Check out Good Clean Tech’s article on the subject) So much so, that Greenpeace has decided the whales can wait, it’s Mr. Jobs (a.k.a. Colonel Earth Poison) they’re going after now.

Here are the facts as Techcrunch reported them:

“The iPhone contains toxic brominated compounds, (brominated flame retardants (BFRs)) and hazardous PVCs. Two of the “phthalate plasticisers” found at high levels in the iPhone headphone cable are classified in Europe as ‘toxic to reproduction, category 2′ and are banned from use in all toys or childcare articles sold in Europe.”

It also turns out that you can’t remove the battery to recycle it, and it looks like the Center for Environmental Health is getting ready to take legal action against Apple.

As a consumer, the phrase “toxic to reproduction” is not something I want associated with a product I put up against my face approximately 48 times a day. So tech hipsters beware. If you are quitting smoking and that oral fixation is nagging the crap out of you, do your best not to chew on your iPhone headphone cables. Your ovaries will applaud. (Applauding Ovaries is, by the way, the name of the Captain’s debut folk album, dropping this holiday season)

So here’s the thing. Apple does such a great job of being so sleek, and modern, and cool, and arty, and edgy, and friendly, and downright neat. They make their customers feel like they are in a non-exclusive club of blue jean wearing, clean-cut hippies, who are not ashamed to say that they still smoke a little pot when watching a good movie. It’s a club made up of the coolest college professors, the most talented graphic designers, and the all the fun people they hang out with. Yes, Apple is the new way, the calm, non-aggressive, liberal way. Feel the love. I myself, am a recent convert, and my new iMac was such a joy to unpack, that I could feel the hairs on my arms stand up as I opened the box. It was like a first date, that I knew would end with some heavy petting. Oooga! Electric!

I mean, come on, their product line is just so sweet.

Take my teenage brother as an example. He acts as if he’s been indoctrinated into some kind of cult when it comes to Mac. The kid’s got no less than 23 YouTube videos praising all things Mac and his Mac life. Check out his page here. My parents are considering an intervention. But this young lad’s story is not unique. For him and many others Mac is the new porn.

I have no problem with that. (The porn actors guild is pissed, but what can you do?) Leopard is just plain hot. So go ahead, enslave the youth, redefine technology. I’ll be cheering you on all the way. But here’s what I do have a problem with. A company that looks this good, acts this friendly, and has legions of young hipsters on their knees at the alter of Jobs, should not destroy the environment. They should save it.

I want so badly for apple to be the good guys. I want Justin Long to environmentally bitch slap the dorky PC guy into a conservationist 21st century. Out with the old, polluting ways, in with the new… Polluting ways?

Come on now Apple, be better than that. We know you mass produce your products in slave like sweat shop conditions. (We hate to overlook it, but we’re not given an alternative) We know you need flame retardants to keep these bad boys from blowing off people’s ears, but can’t you just use some slightly less toxic ones? Can’t we root for at least one company to lead the planet in a new direction? Crikey Apple, where the hell are the good guys? I thought for sure, you were them.

These iPhone batteries of yours are gonna be rotting away, un-recycled for centuries, spilling high powered lithium into the ground, creating a race of super newts that can play clarinet, write celebrity blogs, and work as telemarketers. Let me tell you, that will really suck.

Apple, I beg of you, please be better. Shave .0003 cents off your profit margin. Pay your factory workers a wage that will move them up a few tax brackets, from desperately impoverished, to totally destitute. Make your phones less toxic. Nokia, Motorola, and Ericsson, have all changed their manufacturing policies to make greener phones, why can’t you?…

Oh wait, I know why. You’re American.

That’s cool, I forgot. Don’t worry about it then.

You see, since this nation was founded, America has had a, “the best defense is an ass kicking offense” policy in effect (hey, it’s working for the New England Patriots), so why change for the environment? Well, it looks like we won’t, so this is how it’s gonna go down.

One day, very soon the environment is gonna really get pissed off, and wreak some, no-joke havoc on the world. That’s when President Obamillery Guiliromney will turn to the 24/7, FOX, streaming, oval office news-feed and say, “Mother Earth has F-d with the wrong planet!” Finally we’ll be able to do what we do best. Play a little, with-us-or-against-us offense. We’ll kick old mama nature’s ass so hard she’ll wish she’d never created us.

So here’s looking forward to that day. I’ll be gnawing on my iPhone cables, annihilating my sperm and praying for my OS Leopard, Time Machine feature to take me back to the 90’s.

I pose this question to you, my readers. What does Apple’s “i” stand for? iGnorant, iMpoverished, iNsane…

Please send me your suggestions. In the meantime I will be using the cellphone my parents gave me for my birthday.

Viva la Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Bronze Medalist, 2002 Seal Clubbing Championships

Well it has arrived, Blog Action Day. Over 15,000 bloggers all writing about the same, very important topic, all on one day. Yes, my friends, we are talking about the environment, ol’ mama nature, the humid lady herself, and what we have to say is not good. Between the 70 degree October here in NYC, the drought in California, the brand new raging rivers of Greenland, the all new Canadian wine industry, the Chinese smog, the burning plain states, the mass death of the bumble bees, and all the f-ing garbage, something has to be done.

Now we all know the top ten energy saving tips that are out there (get your florescent bulbs, don’t browse through your fridge, turn down your thermostat, unplug your chargers, etc.). That stuff is all well and good, and will most definitely help the cause, but frankly we need to do more. We need to change the way we think, reprogram the psyche, act more responsible. Will gov’t incentive programs work? Maybe. Will amazing global concerts spark a revolution? Possibly. Will 15,000 blogs do the trick? I sure hope so. But if you really want to know what will make the difference look no further than your mother.

We all know what gets us to act in the end. It’s not personal conviction, or thoughts of responsibility. It’s guilt. Good old fashioned thoughts of disappointing your parents. Hey, it’s worked for Jews and Catholics for a very long time now, so let’s make it work for the planet. So I, Captain Cellfish do hereby launch the, “Guilt the ever lovin’ crap out of them campaign for global change.”

We will start by listing the top five ways to guilt people into conservation.

1. If you ever see someone drop a piece of garbage, hand it back to them and say, “excuse me you dropped something.”

2. When you catch one of your friends being environmentally unconscious, rolls your eyes, sigh and simply say the line, “you disappoint me. I thought you were a better person than that.”

3. If your place of employment doesn’t recycle, go into your CEO’s office, point to the picture of his/her smiling children on the desk and say, “Too bad you’re destroying their future, anyway, how about those TPS reports.”

4. If you catch one of your neighbors, letting his car idle just to cool it down before he/she gets in, say, “I’ll tell the baby polar bear who’s mother you just murdered, that you just wanted to cool off the leather seats in your car before your pristine butt touched the upholstery.”

5. The next time someone tells you how beautiful this 65 degree weather is, even though it’s January, reply with, “Your idle, small talk is akin to global genocide.” Then spit on their shoes.

So that’s it. Through our guilt we will promote change. It’s a relatively simple idea, start the revolution through nagging.

And now here’s where the Captain goes mobile. You, my savvy sexy little readers… I want you all to hit the streets, and take Cell Phone pictures of people who need a good dose of enviro-guilt. Shoot cell phone shots of garbage dumped hither and thither, polluters in action, water being wasted, people having gasoline fights, etc. Then upload them to Cellfish where I will compile a massive list of all things environmentally guilty. I will then print them all out, and turn them into an evening gown that I will wear in front of the White House for no less than 20 days straight, or until the secret service removes. You wanted blog action? You got it.

No but seriously, shoot pictures on your cell phones of the bad guys and send them into Cellfish. We’ll get quite a catalogue going. It will be great. I will post them all on the blog, and we’ll see if we can’t make at least one person feel genuinely crappy about what they’ve done.

Viva la Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Former VP, Oil Exploration, Chevron

Well, the downfall of our society continues.

Gone are the good ‘ole days of yore, when you could spend a butt load of cash and actually get something of quality. See-ya later! Peace out! Yep, now all we have is a world where if you spend a butt load of cash, you’ll just get a piece of crap that makes you feel rich (even though you’ll be broke).

Case in point. One of my fellow Cellfishers recently purchased the Nokia N95. Price tag… $800.00 (= $800.00 Canadian = 10 Euros). For the sake of protecting his identity I will call him Barry Plandesberg. So Barry had his shiny new phone. A 5 Mega Pixel camera, awesome video camera, sexy slide activation, all kinds of bells and whistles. (Check out what the Diva said about it, here.) So Barry was braggin’ as was his right, that Nokia bad boy was sleek as heck.

Ah, but how fleeting bragging rights can be. Now it’s two weeks later and the ear piece is totally crackling, the videos are saved so big that they can’t be sent to anyone, the phone crashes approx. once every hour, the video phone call feature is not available in the USA, and the screen is constantly covered in face cheese. Needless to say, poor Barry is frickin’ pissed.

If the N95 was the only high-end waste of cash I would be able to stop there and not fret about the larger implications, but it isn’t, so fret I will. The next waste of cash is my sexy, brand new Jetta… It’s issue? The digital clock in the dash is slow… Like, really slow, (two minutes a day).

Now, the last I checked, digital clocks are not very hard to make accurate. I mean, the Chinese guys on the subway who sell them for $.63 would probably agree with me. But I guess VW had to cut corners on the Jetta to meet budget constraints (and if they’re cutting corners in Germany we are all in trouble).

Next up… Windows Vista. What can I say? Yikes, that thing stinks. Here’s my equation for the pricing of that thing. (If Quality = Price, than Price = $23.99)

And finally we arrive at my doorknobs. You see my wife and wanted our new apt. to be rockin’, so we went to Home Depot where I said to her, “F$#% it! Let’s get the nice door knobs. Sure it’s a monumental waste of money at $70.00 a pop. But quality door hardware is always worth it. We’ll be turning these things until we’re wrinkled and dumb.” She smiled at me, grabbed five of them, and said, “It’s the little things, that make a home.” It was a very magical moment.

Take a look at these bad boys. They are sweeeeeet.

Then low and behold, after about a month they started falling apart. Total junk. Glued on glass, loose fittings, and sticky mechanisms… Total shite, just like the $800.00 phone. So where does this leave us? My friends it’s time we speak out. Sure there are about 77,992 better topics worth protesting these days, but screw all them. I call for a quality uprising. I want you all to stand up from your desks right now. Get up and go over to the window (if you’re in an office building, smash something through the glass) and scream, “I want to spend my money, and I want to spend it on something that doesn’t suck!” (I’ll have the PR dept. work up a better slogan, but they’re all on line waiting to get their copies of Halo 3 right now)So rise up and take to the streets, in your poorly made sneakers and march behind Captain Cellfish’s sweatshop sewn banner. Because if we’re not careful we’ll look back on the crap products of today and wish life was that good.

Well, here at Cellfish we believe in quality over price, that is why our site is free to join, and we make quality video products for your enjoyment. And I’ll tell you this. You can watch this next video over and over and it won’t ever break. So enjoy our over sexed librarian, Ms. Bosworth…

- Captain Cellfish
Inspector 12 - Fruit of the Loom