We here at Cellfish.com have been working on a great little piece of code for our site, and it is finally ready.

I present you with the Ring Tone Maker! Really quite a simple thing, a tool if you will, but much like the hammer, this simple tool can build cities. Yes, I have just compared the Cellfish.com ring tone maker to the invention of the hammer. Ever since that first cro-magnon smashed something with something else the human race has striven to rule their environment through the use of tools. Now, my dear Cellfishers, your mobile phones have truly become yours.

Any mp3 that you have on your computer you can now turn into your very own ring tone. All you have to do is go to the Ring Tone Maker and use the slide tool to pick which section of the track you would like as your ring tone. That’s it.

Check the shizzy right hizzy!

Yes people, if I had a hammer I would hammer in the morning! Really, it is actually pretty damn hype.

Go ahead take it for a test drive, just don’t pee on the upholstery. If you like what you see tell your friends. Why? Cause things like this need to be given to the masses. Everyone is paying through the nose for ring tones still, and we think that is just so very wrong. So tell one tell all. Bring your pals, bring your parents, bring your cats and hamsters, bring that pervert in the alley. Make your ring tones on a train. Make your ring tones in the rain. Make your ring tone with a mouse, make your ring tones on a house.

Heck make a ring tone of Jesse Jackson reading Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live.

Thank you for that Reverend Jackson.

So what have we learned class? We have learned that it’s your damn music after all, why not be able to use it on your phone? Seems pretty logical to me. We’d make a doorbell version of the Ring Tone Maker if you’d let us into your house, but our legal dept. says we had to stop breaking and entering. (I hate this litigious society we live in, I really do). And we know that some ring tone sellers might be a bit peeved abotu us making the world of profiteering on ring tones obsolete, but sadly, we don’t give a rat’s spleen how they feel. We here at Cellfish say, Free the ring tones! Yep, that’s our battle cry.

I admit, it’s a pretty whack battle cry and we’re not exactly sure who we’re fighting, but fight on we will. And to top it off we’re fighting for you! Why just yesterday our VP of ass kicking took a piece of cellphone shrapnel in his ass. He was a good guy, had kids. Now he’ll never sit in an acquisition meeting again. But does he have regrets? No! We want you to have your free ring tones! It’s crazy out there in the ring tone trenches, but we here at Cellfish don’t know the meaning of quit. (or the meaning of quilt, for that matter)

So as my, delusional grandfather used to mutter to himself, “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our Cellfish dead!”

- Captain Cellfish
Under Study for Falstaff

Unworthy denizens of this pathetic planet! Behold!

A phone! In a… Cup…. Of… Water!             Holy Crap!

And get this. It is slim. Fujitsu’s new year’s resolution worked. Their handsets went on Jenny Craig. Valerie Bertinelli and Kirstie Alley got drunk and made out with it. Now it is slim and sexy. Ready for the runways of Milan… The underwater runways that is!

In a time where being the first seems to be more important than being good, or even being useful, my good friends over at Fujitsu have touched the gods. (not inappropriate touching either).

For the person who drops their phone in the toilet once a week, or the sloppy drunk who can’t seem to direct the beer into his/her quivering mouth, a large electronics corp has devoted their resources to make this incredible creation. While companies across this planet could have been making greener phones who’s compounds don’t poison the earth, or phones that get solid reception in elevators, or have better video capabilities, or emit less radiation, or are cheaper, or have better web access, or higher resolution screens, or smoother keypads, or can buy clothes, or open your garage door, or change the channel on your Tivo… Nope Fujitsu made a slim waterproof phone. Amazing!

BTW kudos on the branding guys. With a name like F705i the Razr better hide and the iPhone better run for the hills. I have been privileged to find out that the F705i was actually chosen over some of these other great names.

The following is a secret Fujitsu Marketing email that I intercepted.

—– Begin Transmission ——
To: Frank DelNipple
From: Carl
Subj: Possible names for the waterproof phone

Hey Frank,

The marketing team and I have come up with a list of hot ass names for the new phone. This thing is gonna sell like hot cakes to the 1 meter deep snorkeling cellphone community. While we all love the name F705i, we feel there may be some market share that we’re not tapping into. Please choose from the following list, and we’ll move forward with the “Hey, it’s in a cup!” Ad campaign.

These are the alternate names.
(I’m all about #4)

1. The Fujitsu Drooler
2. JHX2347QNGE
3. Fuji Sponge
4. Electric Gerbil
5. Meat Juice Fujitsu
6. Not Wet Talky Thing
7. Cocaine (this was Dierdra’s idea, I have already fired her)

Hugs & Smooches,

Carl

—– End Transmission ——

Next up Fujitsu will be launching, these great new products.
Spring ‘08 - The Chubster (the fattest waterproof phone)
Fall ‘08 - The Unicall (a unicycle cellphone for clowns)
Winter ‘09 - Mobile Pastrami (a lunch meat version of the F705i)

Okay, that’s enough…

Why am I ripping Fujitsu a new one here? I have to say I don’t quite know. The company never insulted me or my family. They never pooped on my lawn (I don’t even have a lawn). Their products seem fine. I even like their logo. So why would I do this to them?

I’ll tell you. Because I am a blogger, and bloggers defame with impunity. So defame I will. With impunity!

Here’s the cellphone gadget I just bought.

Talk about useful!  You can get it here

- Captain Cellfish
Amateur Beta Tester

p.s. I hereby formally apologize to Yoshihiko Masuda CEO of Fujitsu for any bad things I said. I was only kidding. (seriously though, the name is pretty whack)

It is here. The Cellfish Facebook app. We have launched. And so far its maiden voyage seems to be going great.

Oh yes, and what an app it is. Check it out here, or here, or you can even check it out here.

Basically, this bad boy lets you take any of your pictures, or any of your friends pictures and get them right on your phone. Simple, sexy, and clean. Like a dumb, gorgeous, dental hygienist.

So here’s the deal, go download the app, then get all of your friends to download it. Next thing you know photos are being zipped to phones all over the place. And then we’ll be one step closer to world peace. (not quite sure how, but I’m 98% sure we will be)

There she is, in all her glory. To tell you the truth sometimes I just sit at my desk and stare at it. It’s a syndrome called Application Obsession Disorder. Or AOD. If you suspect that you might be afflicted with this horrible disease, ask your doctor if Cellfish is right for you. Side effects include, euphoria, prickly toes, and sheep.

Hugs and Kisses,

- Captain Cellfish

Founder of IHOP

Okay, you could accuse me of being a broken record if I knew what a record was, but I don’t, so you can’t!

Well, the G-men have done it yet again. They have released Google Mobile Maps 2.0, and they have released it for free (yes, free like our ringtones). And from all reviews it sounds like it kicks serious back end. Check it out this is Jean Claude Le Goog’s demo video.

(they’re getting pretty good at these nifty little animations aren’t they?)
I also found good reviews of it at Sevenclick and Adam Howitt’s blog. (If you like reading the industry side of things check out Gizmodo or Moconews.)So here’s the thing, I think most people would agree that Colonel Goo is very powerful and wealthy. They make a “shit-ton” (a mobile industry technical term synonymous with the more common, “butt-load”) of money. So will someone please explain to me why they keep giving away all their software and great ideas for free? Anyone?… Anyone?… Matthew Broderick?

Okay fine, I’ll tell you. G-Diddy gives it all away because they are… Geniuses. They have a long range vision that is going to keep them on top for a very long time to come. You see, Baron Von Googy knows that in the incredibly tricky, shape shifting world of technology you’ll only win if you and your services are the basis from which technology is created. You have to BE the language that the developers speak, and the products and tools that they all use. And while you will not immediately receive financial reward for giving away your services, you will almost certainly create virtually limitless financial opportunities for yourself down the road.Yes, Professor G. Hendrick Oogle has done it right, and they have done it right publicly, in front of us all. A shining beacon of capitalism at it’s best. Literally giving away billions in potential sales for the opportunity for trillions down the road (I would pick up my jaw off the floor if I could just stop smooching their butt for one second, but I can’t).

So why oh why, won’t anyone else learn. Especially in (what should be) the wide open mobile industry. As I have stated many times before (see The Story of Thanksgiving) the carriers seem to be stuck in a December 24th Scrooge scenario when instead they should be in a x-mass morning, joyous, pajama clad, “Say boy!… Boy!… Come here boy!… Go and buy that fat-ass goose for me boy!” kind of mood. It would do us all a lot of good. Carriers, consumers, companies, etc.

When will they learn that the more they try and squeeze dollars out of the mobile industry, the more market share they will lose. I can tell you this, the home boys and girls over at Verizon’s $9.99/mo GPS service are none too pleased. And I’ll take it one step further. If Verizon had been giving away their great GPS service for the last three years, they’d have a whole “shit-ton” more subscribers who really wouldn’t give a damn what the Duchess of Goo had just launched.

Well, we here at Cellfish.com say, “Go Ogle!” whether you care about us or not. We love what you do, we love your business model, but bigger than that, we think how you handle the mobile world is not only financially wise, but that it will lead to a greater, more robust, and more exciting marketplace. This saucy critic says, bravo to you!

So, with all that in mind we have some pretty great news of our own!

ANNOUNCING… ADD TO PHONE!

Yes, our Add to Phone API is out and it let’s you do some pretty fresh things. You can place any of our buttons on your blog and with one simple, mousy click, your readers can get your content on their phones to take with them wherever they go.

Now your readers can be checking out your latest post while their wives deliver their children. Nuclear power plant monitors can be watching your videos while on the job. Pilots can see pictures of your family’s thanksgiving food fight while flying 747’s full of orphans. It’s awesome! And here’s the thing. It is free! Gratis, on the house, no cost, zilch, on the Underhill’s tab. Why are we doing this? Have we gone mad, are we nutty? No!

We want everyone on this blue planet of ours to get their blog news/videos/photos on their phones through us.

So here’s to hoping you all go out and grab one of our buttons and add it to your blog. Pease enjoy this little ditty about how it works.

- Captain Cellfish
2007 Best Supporting Actor Nominee

Dear friends,

I write this post to let you know that we at Cellfish believe in the wide spectrum that is art. We got your high brow art, your low brow art, and your mono-brow art. Come and see for yourself.

The High-Brow
Fusion Art - Gallery Exhibit

Following the success of the Fusion Art collective blog project, the paintings created during this workshop will be exhibited at the Betty K Mix Studio starting July, 17th.

The artists involved in this live painting project, documented their creation process with camera phones and uploaded the pictures live on Cellfish.com. A slide show of these pictures will be shown in the gallery. If you are in NYC do stop by and take a look.
FIAF Gallery - 22 East 60th st.

The Low-Brow
Cellfish proudly announces the release of the world premier episode of the much anticipated, Sexy Kittens.

An in depth look at the juxtaposition of consequentialist idiomology and subjective realism in a post modern, materialst…

Oh who am I kidding?
Sexy Kittens is 4 hot, hilarious, scantily clad, babes pranking the heck out of unknowing New Yorkers.

Here’s what the critics are saying:
“I give it 5 cookies”… Cookie Monster
“Better than sex”… Condeleeza Rice
“Can I have a side of hash browns with that?”… Murry “the plumber” Pinello
“I thought I got a restraining order against you!”… Dame Judi Dench

The Mono-Brow
Cellfish brings you a twisted tale of murder, deceit, sex, fingers and of course, passion. Check out the 1st installment of Passion Heights to witness, first hand the drama, the comedy, the dramedy, and the comma.

And the coolest part of all of this is that you can get it all on your cellphone instantly. So check out the episodes, download them and play them for all your amigos.

- Captain Cellfish
Proud father of 23 illegitimate children