Yes. It was time… It had to happen.

Just as moses needed to deliver those commandments to calm the unruly mob… Just as Martha Stewart had to let the world know how to set a Thanksgiving table… Just as Jesus needed to deliver the sermon on the mount to say wassup to his peeps… And just as Tom Cruise needed to educate Matt Lauer on the subject of mental illness… I, Captain Cellfish have been summoned by a greater power to deliver my knowledge to the world.

Let me begin by saying, I love the iPhone. It is very sexy. Sexy like a hot librarian. Smart, sleek, accessible, tantalizing, organized and powerful. Do you get the feeling that I want an iPhone? (see previous sentence)

Now some may say that this post is blatant iPhone envy. Others may claim I am a hater, pure and simple. Well correct me if I’m wrong, but I think Jesus, Moses, Martha and Tom have all been accused of being haterz at one time or another. So I’m gonna fit right in line.

So without further ado…

The Official iPhone Etiquette Guide.

1. Sir, your fly is unzipped!

You wouldn’t intentionally walk into an office, a restaurant, or a party with your fly unzipped and your Johnsonian hanging out would you? (depends on the party, I guess) But you see the point here. Please don’t whip out your phone before making your entrance. If you need a phone to help you make an entrance, you need a lot more help than any phone can give you. Okay, if you have legitimate business on the phone I understand. Say, for instance, if someone is calling you. But yanking it out of your pants merely to make sure your pristine touch screen is still functional, is a major no-no.

2. You will get duck sauced!

When at a restaurant, do not place your iPhone on the table for all to see. That move is basically like being so burdened by your cash-stuffed wallet, that you simply must get it out of your pocket and onto the table before your sciatica acts up. I personally guarantee that if I see another iPhone sitting on a restaurant table I will do one of three things.

1) I’ll just take it (I am a Brooklyn boy at heart).

2) I will loudly say, “Oh my god! Is that an iPhone? How do you like it? That’s so freaking cool that you have one. I am really envious!” (BTW I know that’s what you want me to think, and the truth is, it is very close to what I am actually thinking, but we both know you do NOT want me to say it out (very) loud.)

3) I will dump duck sauce on it. Even if we’re not in a Chinese restaurant, I’ll go find some god damn duck sauce, and squeeze it out on your phone. Then that “slide to unlock” feature will be pretty sticky.

3. Hey rabbit ears, find a router!
We all know that sometimes your iPhone load times can be a real drag. We know that you are partially a slave to the world of wi-fi. Yes sometimes it’s hard to choose between Starbucks network, NetGear, The Donkey Palace, and Smoochies Rubber Goods, but when you’re standing there holding your iPhone to the sky like you were Thor the Norse God of Thunder, you look pretty whack. I mean, if every time all you iPhoners did it Steve Jobs, and Justin Long (mac boy) were able to send a bolt of Apple Lightning to you giving you that T3 connection you crave, that would be cool. But until that day, all this Thundercats behavior must cease and desist.

4. Thanks, I’m all good on the cheek cheese for now.
Okay, so you have a very impressive collection of J Coug Mellancamp albums on your phone, those pictures of your sister’s puppy pooping out tinsel are incredible, and the YouTube video of those guys spoofing that Gap ad is just too amazing to wait to see at home. And yes, I do want to see it all. Ah but here’s the rub. That touch screen has been fused to your cheek for the last three months, and based on your minutes, you’re using it for like 900 peak and god knows how much off peak. Now sadly, I have to use my finger to scroll through all the great stuff you want to show me.

Your screen is greasy, and now my finger smells like your face. So like Woodsy’s niece, Hooter used to say, “Don’t snipe, give your iPhone a wipe”

5. iXnay on the iSmall talk
I will go as far as to say that talking about the weather is at least 10 times more productive than discussing your iPhone. Especially these days. The weather’s a freakin thrill ride. Soon, talking about the weather will be like describing a police chase you saw last night. “Did you see the flood waters when they hit the power plant? Holy dip, that shit was crazy!” Global warming has re-defined our small talk. Your cellphone, on the other hand, has not.

With all the important issues that are going on in the world (all the the fine reality TV, all the fantastic post holiday sales, all the sports steroids, and Britney death watches) there is so much more to do around the water cooler than chat about your iPhone. If you want to discuss the features of your mobile device, feel free to do it all night long at home. Hey, that’s why it’s a phone, just keep it behind closed doors, people.

Well, that’s it for now. While I know there are many other topics to be discussed, I’m afraid these may mostly fall under general cell phone etiquette, which is a much longer list. (one that I am dutifully compiling, along with famous IM typos, and instances of email tone inference destroying relationships) So, please all you fine readers out there, if you have any other iFauxne pho-pas that you have seen members of our society commit, please forward them on to me and I will gladly amend this list.

Until next time,

- Captain Cellfish
iNspector # 12
(Fruit of the Loom)

Okay, so that title may fall under the umbrella of, “If you needed to warn me about that, I shouldn’t be a parent” statements. But don’t let my stupid title fool you, iPhones actually contain more toxic chemicals than any other major brand of cellphone out there. (Check out Good Clean Tech’s article on the subject) So much so, that Greenpeace has decided the whales can wait, it’s Mr. Jobs (a.k.a. Colonel Earth Poison) they’re going after now.

Here are the facts as Techcrunch reported them:

“The iPhone contains toxic brominated compounds, (brominated flame retardants (BFRs)) and hazardous PVCs. Two of the “phthalate plasticisers” found at high levels in the iPhone headphone cable are classified in Europe as ‘toxic to reproduction, category 2′ and are banned from use in all toys or childcare articles sold in Europe.”

It also turns out that you can’t remove the battery to recycle it, and it looks like the Center for Environmental Health is getting ready to take legal action against Apple.

As a consumer, the phrase “toxic to reproduction” is not something I want associated with a product I put up against my face approximately 48 times a day. So tech hipsters beware. If you are quitting smoking and that oral fixation is nagging the crap out of you, do your best not to chew on your iPhone headphone cables. Your ovaries will applaud. (Applauding Ovaries is, by the way, the name of the Captain’s debut folk album, dropping this holiday season)

So here’s the thing. Apple does such a great job of being so sleek, and modern, and cool, and arty, and edgy, and friendly, and downright neat. They make their customers feel like they are in a non-exclusive club of blue jean wearing, clean-cut hippies, who are not ashamed to say that they still smoke a little pot when watching a good movie. It’s a club made up of the coolest college professors, the most talented graphic designers, and the all the fun people they hang out with. Yes, Apple is the new way, the calm, non-aggressive, liberal way. Feel the love. I myself, am a recent convert, and my new iMac was such a joy to unpack, that I could feel the hairs on my arms stand up as I opened the box. It was like a first date, that I knew would end with some heavy petting. Oooga! Electric!

I mean, come on, their product line is just so sweet.

Take my teenage brother as an example. He acts as if he’s been indoctrinated into some kind of cult when it comes to Mac. The kid’s got no less than 23 YouTube videos praising all things Mac and his Mac life. Check out his page here. My parents are considering an intervention. But this young lad’s story is not unique. For him and many others Mac is the new porn.

I have no problem with that. (The porn actors guild is pissed, but what can you do?) Leopard is just plain hot. So go ahead, enslave the youth, redefine technology. I’ll be cheering you on all the way. But here’s what I do have a problem with. A company that looks this good, acts this friendly, and has legions of young hipsters on their knees at the alter of Jobs, should not destroy the environment. They should save it.

I want so badly for apple to be the good guys. I want Justin Long to environmentally bitch slap the dorky PC guy into a conservationist 21st century. Out with the old, polluting ways, in with the new… Polluting ways?

Come on now Apple, be better than that. We know you mass produce your products in slave like sweat shop conditions. (We hate to overlook it, but we’re not given an alternative) We know you need flame retardants to keep these bad boys from blowing off people’s ears, but can’t you just use some slightly less toxic ones? Can’t we root for at least one company to lead the planet in a new direction? Crikey Apple, where the hell are the good guys? I thought for sure, you were them.

These iPhone batteries of yours are gonna be rotting away, un-recycled for centuries, spilling high powered lithium into the ground, creating a race of super newts that can play clarinet, write celebrity blogs, and work as telemarketers. Let me tell you, that will really suck.

Apple, I beg of you, please be better. Shave .0003 cents off your profit margin. Pay your factory workers a wage that will move them up a few tax brackets, from desperately impoverished, to totally destitute. Make your phones less toxic. Nokia, Motorola, and Ericsson, have all changed their manufacturing policies to make greener phones, why can’t you?…

Oh wait, I know why. You’re American.

That’s cool, I forgot. Don’t worry about it then.

You see, since this nation was founded, America has had a, “the best defense is an ass kicking offense” policy in effect (hey, it’s working for the New England Patriots), so why change for the environment? Well, it looks like we won’t, so this is how it’s gonna go down.

One day, very soon the environment is gonna really get pissed off, and wreak some, no-joke havoc on the world. That’s when President Obamillery Guiliromney will turn to the 24/7, FOX, streaming, oval office news-feed and say, “Mother Earth has F-d with the wrong planet!” Finally we’ll be able to do what we do best. Play a little, with-us-or-against-us offense. We’ll kick old mama nature’s ass so hard she’ll wish she’d never created us.

So here’s looking forward to that day. I’ll be gnawing on my iPhone cables, annihilating my sperm and praying for my OS Leopard, Time Machine feature to take me back to the 90’s.

I pose this question to you, my readers. What does Apple’s “i” stand for? iGnorant, iMpoverished, iNsane…

Please send me your suggestions. In the meantime I will be using the cellphone my parents gave me for my birthday.

Viva la Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Bronze Medalist, 2002 Seal Clubbing Championships

Breaking Mobile News

Dateline Cuppertino, California

Apple CEO, Steve Jobs has just announced that Micky D’s ( Le Chateau du Ronald ) will be giving away the beloved iPhone with any purchase of a happy meal.

The promotion was announced by Jobs as he was online to see the Nanny Diaries at the mall. He was quoted as saying, “Let’s see Nokia and Motorola keep up with our sales now, bitc%!@!” Customers who paid the whopping (not whopper) original $600.00 price for the phone were outraged and not at all appeased by Apple’s offer to throw in a small fries for their troubles. Those that went for the promotional offer and got the iPhone with their happy meals seemed surprisingly nonplussed. Selma Roberts of Orem, Utah said, “Yeah whatever, I got the Happy Meal iPhone, but it had BBQ sauce on it, so I just chucked it.”Go ask the Fake Steve Jobs about it. He’ll tell you the whole deal.

Okay, okay enough tomfoolery here. Seriously, what is going on in the mobile world these days. Working in a mobile entertainment company it feels a bit like that scene from Ghostbusters where the D-bag throws the switch on the containment system and all hell breaks loose. Yes, that is exactly what it is like. “Cats and dogs sleeping together, Mass hysteria!” We need some pajama clad, comic geniuses to come in here and save the day. What a business we are in. It’s no wonder Mr. Jobs is sick of the cellphone business.

Today I was just told that my co-worker is in the doghouse because he bought his girlfriend an iPhone. “Why?” I asked. Well it seems the iPhone may have lowered it’s price, but you have to pay out of the rear to text message. I think it was $30.00 a month for 1,500 messages (there is no plan between 200 messages and 1,500). And then there are those stories of innocent Americans traveling in Europe racking up $3,000.00 roaming charges.

Madness, madness I tell you. Then the best part of the whole thing was the iHack.

George Hotz, a kid from New Joisey made Apple’s stock jump 3% by ripping open his iPhone and making it work on a new carrier. Wow. These are crazy times. The kid is now a college freshman, and a very famous one at that. I mean how’s this for a pick up line at your 1st kegger, “hey I made Apple 2 billion dollars 2 weeks ago with a soldering iron and some silly putty. Imagine what I could do to you.”

Here’s what I say. Let’s all stop panicking. Let’s make cellphones cheaper and easier to use, not harder and more expensive. Knocking off a couple hundred, and keeping exorbitant data rates is just insane. Let’s look to those search guys, we all love so much… What’s their name? Google I think it is. Those cats know what they’re doing.

Free video, free maps, free analytics, free home page, free muffins, free love. They have it down. That’s how you go from being a noun to being a verb. You give it away. Then everyone will need you. So this goes out to big brother Stevie Jobs, and Uncle Nokia, Auntie Motorola, you too. Oh and grandma AT&T, cousin Verizon, weird neighbor Sprint, and good-old, blind, toothless T-Mobile how could we forget you? If you’re listening, and I hope you are. Make it just all so very darned easy. Let the people use their camera phones and send their pictures out without having to cash in their 401k’s. Let your users enjoy the products you made for them. It will only make them want to use them more. It’s all cake to you anyway, what’s the difference?

- Captian Cellfish
Open House School, Teacher 3’s & 4’s