Well, the downfall of our society continues.

Gone are the good ‘ole days of yore, when you could spend a butt load of cash and actually get something of quality. See-ya later! Peace out! Yep, now all we have is a world where if you spend a butt load of cash, you’ll just get a piece of crap that makes you feel rich (even though you’ll be broke).

Case in point. One of my fellow Cellfishers recently purchased the Nokia N95. Price tag… $800.00 (= $800.00 Canadian = 10 Euros). For the sake of protecting his identity I will call him Barry Plandesberg. So Barry had his shiny new phone. A 5 Mega Pixel camera, awesome video camera, sexy slide activation, all kinds of bells and whistles. (Check out what the Diva said about it, here.) So Barry was braggin’ as was his right, that Nokia bad boy was sleek as heck.

Ah, but how fleeting bragging rights can be. Now it’s two weeks later and the ear piece is totally crackling, the videos are saved so big that they can’t be sent to anyone, the phone crashes approx. once every hour, the video phone call feature is not available in the USA, and the screen is constantly covered in face cheese. Needless to say, poor Barry is frickin’ pissed.

If the N95 was the only high-end waste of cash I would be able to stop there and not fret about the larger implications, but it isn’t, so fret I will. The next waste of cash is my sexy, brand new Jetta… It’s issue? The digital clock in the dash is slow… Like, really slow, (two minutes a day).

Now, the last I checked, digital clocks are not very hard to make accurate. I mean, the Chinese guys on the subway who sell them for $.63 would probably agree with me. But I guess VW had to cut corners on the Jetta to meet budget constraints (and if they’re cutting corners in Germany we are all in trouble).

Next up… Windows Vista. What can I say? Yikes, that thing stinks. Here’s my equation for the pricing of that thing. (If Quality = Price, than Price = $23.99)

And finally we arrive at my doorknobs. You see my wife and wanted our new apt. to be rockin’, so we went to Home Depot where I said to her, “F$#% it! Let’s get the nice door knobs. Sure it’s a monumental waste of money at $70.00 a pop. But quality door hardware is always worth it. We’ll be turning these things until we’re wrinkled and dumb.” She smiled at me, grabbed five of them, and said, “It’s the little things, that make a home.” It was a very magical moment.

Take a look at these bad boys. They are sweeeeeet.

Then low and behold, after about a month they started falling apart. Total junk. Glued on glass, loose fittings, and sticky mechanisms… Total shite, just like the $800.00 phone. So where does this leave us? My friends it’s time we speak out. Sure there are about 77,992 better topics worth protesting these days, but screw all them. I call for a quality uprising. I want you all to stand up from your desks right now. Get up and go over to the window (if you’re in an office building, smash something through the glass) and scream, “I want to spend my money, and I want to spend it on something that doesn’t suck!” (I’ll have the PR dept. work up a better slogan, but they’re all on line waiting to get their copies of Halo 3 right now)So rise up and take to the streets, in your poorly made sneakers and march behind Captain Cellfish’s sweatshop sewn banner. Because if we’re not careful we’ll look back on the crap products of today and wish life was that good.

Well, here at Cellfish we believe in quality over price, that is why our site is free to join, and we make quality video products for your enjoyment. And I’ll tell you this. You can watch this next video over and over and it won’t ever break. So enjoy our over sexed librarian, Ms. Bosworth…

- Captain Cellfish
Inspector 12 - Fruit of the Loom

I am going to take you back to a simpler time. A time before all the madness, and chicanery that took place on StumbleUpon. The date was roughly three weeks ago, let’s call it, Friday, July 13th (just to keep everything dramatic). An intrepid web surfer named izface had seen a high school teacher named Taylor Mali on television. She dug what she saw of him then found a video clip of him chilling unseen on our video page.

This clip was something I had never encountered, known about, or even dreamt of, but it was one of those rare clips that moves you. A man with something to say, saying it passionately and eloquently, and jabbing at the jugular of greed.

Check it out… I like it (there’s my obvious statement of the week)

So okay, young izface finds this video on our site and she adds it to her StumbleUpon page and low and behold the buzz begins. You see, that’s just how it happens in these web parts. You start with a piece of content. It can be stupid, it can be genius, it can be stupid genius. It can be inane and sticky, or plush and gooey, it can be medium rare. (I prefer my content with milk and two Splendas, but that’s just me.)

So you start with that piece of content, then you talk about it and very soon you get this. A downright hive of buzzing. A veritable juggernaut of chat.Everyone’s checking out the content and adding their two cents.

And that’s what we want you all to do. Search us. Search us like you were a DEA agent vacationing in Columbia. Then, when you find the nuggets of gold, push them out to the world. Through your blogs, your phones, your address books, you can even do interpretive mime performances of the content.

(btw we are developing a Send-To-Mime feature, beta will launch in Oct. It’s gonna be ground breaking. Very quiet ground breaking of course.)

So kudos to Taylor, izface, and all y’all who care.
Heace in the Piddle Beast

-Captain Cellfish
Duchess of Newark

Just a quick note to brag about our mention in today’s Wall Street Journal.

If you could see me, I have been walking around all day making the universal , “nah-nah-ne-boo-boo” symbol. My thumb is on my nose, my four fingers are waving, and my tongue is sticking out.

Most of my co-workers think I am an idiot, but I am merely brimming with company pride.

We sure have come a long way, baby.

Three months ago we were just 6 employees being flogged hourly in the salt mines of Uruguay.
(Very slow internet connection down there and only like one bar of cellphone service) It goes without saying that we didn’t have dental benefits. But now… The WSJ. Yessiree!

Folks, our past was a tragic tale, but our future is bright… Like my new teeth. (lost the old ones to malnutrition)

- Captain Cellfish
Poet Laureate, 1968-1972

Dear friends,

I write this post to let you know that we at Cellfish believe in the wide spectrum that is art. We got your high brow art, your low brow art, and your mono-brow art. Come and see for yourself.

The High-Brow
Fusion Art - Gallery Exhibit

Following the success of the Fusion Art collective blog project, the paintings created during this workshop will be exhibited at the Betty K Mix Studio starting July, 17th.

The artists involved in this live painting project, documented their creation process with camera phones and uploaded the pictures live on Cellfish.com. A slide show of these pictures will be shown in the gallery. If you are in NYC do stop by and take a look.
FIAF Gallery - 22 East 60th st.

The Low-Brow
Cellfish proudly announces the release of the world premier episode of the much anticipated, Sexy Kittens.

An in depth look at the juxtaposition of consequentialist idiomology and subjective realism in a post modern, materialst…

Oh who am I kidding?
Sexy Kittens is 4 hot, hilarious, scantily clad, babes pranking the heck out of unknowing New Yorkers.

Here’s what the critics are saying:
“I give it 5 cookies”… Cookie Monster
“Better than sex”… Condeleeza Rice
“Can I have a side of hash browns with that?”… Murry “the plumber” Pinello
“I thought I got a restraining order against you!”… Dame Judi Dench

The Mono-Brow
Cellfish brings you a twisted tale of murder, deceit, sex, fingers and of course, passion. Check out the 1st installment of Passion Heights to witness, first hand the drama, the comedy, the dramedy, and the comma.

And the coolest part of all of this is that you can get it all on your cellphone instantly. So check out the episodes, download them and play them for all your amigos.

- Captain Cellfish
Proud father of 23 illegitimate children

Yes friends, in this topsy-turvy era of mobile insanity, Cellfish is here to be your rock. We love all of our users. We welcome you all with open arms. We want to hear what you think of our site. Like a customer oriented floosy, we want you to use us and then give us your feedback.

It has come to our attention that there is a mobile company out there, who is terminating paying customers simply because they complain too much… That is not nice. Not nice at all.

There was a great piece written about it on Open Gardens.

Do we turn any people away? No, not us.

Give us your whiney users, your tired, your poor, your huddled ludite techno-phobes, your schitzophrenic toddlers, your steroid abusing cyclists, your agnostic zealots…

You get the point. We want you all.

Come to Cellfish where our site’s pages are paved with milk n’ honey. And if you have any complaints we will immediately forward you to our new and improved User Solution Center, where Ralph our customer service muskrat, will do everything within his power to solve any and all of your problems.

Unfortunately Ralph, is in fact, a river rodent, who does not have the power of language, or opposable thumbs, and is generally pretty pissy before noon. But do not fret. Cellfish.com cares.

So as the great Steve Perry once sang….

So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with open arms
Hoping you’ll see, what your love means to me
(dramatic rock anthem pause inserted here)

…Open arms

- Captain Cellfish

Inventor of the Cheese Doodle

Oh yeah, it’s on now.

Cellfish is proud to announce the opening of our Canadian office.

[insert booming fireworks sound effects here]

The Montreal office will be handling R&D and the maintenance of the Cellfish platform and we are overjoyed to have them aboard. With an office already open in France and the flagship here in New York we are truly equipped and prepared for total global domination with our almost complete weather manipulation machine…

Oh wait, they’re telling me our goals have changed. Now we just want new users to open lockers, learn about all the awesome tools we have, and enjoy our service.

Boring!

Also, we will be releasing our 1st three original series by month’s end so make sure to check them out.
Passion Heights - The Bold and the Beautiful meets 90210 meets 5 cent rubber finger puppets. (it is a sight to behold)

Sexy Kittens - Bikini clad girls prank the fine citizens of the city of New York

Cellfish Self-Help - You ask the questions and our odd ball collection of gurus provide the answers

So it is a busy season here and it’s just getting started.

- Captain Cellfish

Ex-President, Luxembourg