Well, I am here to report that LG is doing the important work. They are making gold cell phones to launch Hollywood’s blockbuster season. Rejoice public! The Iron Man phone is here! Complete with radioactive tumor causing powers!

Ah, look at it. It just reeks of superhero-dom. Stinks of it really. It’s got a solid 18 Karat gold battery cover, and it can fly, and it can save the world, and defeat the commies, and hook up with hotties, and beat up your dad. That’s right. LG has made a phone that can beat up your dad.

Now let’s examine the choice of gold for cellphone construction. Gold is a soft metal, so soft that you can leave teeth marks in it. It is however, stronger than aluminum foil, which was the previously chosen material. LG executives wanted to give Iron Man phone owners the chance to wrap up their lunch leftovers after they were full.

Seriously though, shouldn’t the phone be stronger than gold. Isn’t Iron Man supposed to be at least somewhat strong? I haven’t seen the flick yet, but I’m assuming, from what I know about superheroes, that soft and mailable is not part of Iron Man’s skill set. Now, platinum would have been hot. Iron a tad heavy, but at least sightly more fitting. Adamantium would have mixed up comic book heroes, but at least it would have been un-breakable. But gold? I don’t know. If I was carrying my $1,500 gold cellphone in my pocket with my keys, and whipped it out at any one of the many celebrity functions I go to only to see the word “medeco” imprinted on the back, I’d be pissed.

I’d pit my old Motorola StarTac against the LG Iron Man phone in a cage match any day. That thing was amazing. I used to throw that phone on the ground at bars as a trick to get drinks. I once submerged that thing in a NYC puddle for 60 seconds. It still worked. Dried it out in the oven, disinfected it with some Purel, and bam, it still worked. My StarTac would bitch slap this glitzy, pansy, life coach, dream catcher wanna be, aroma therapy, pilates doin’, Paris Hilton chillin with, bullshit phone.

No wait, let’s pit the Iron Man phone against a modern current phone. Maybe we should put the Iron Man phone up against the Sonim XP1.

This phone can’t even be beaten by a German elephant. Now thats a tough phone.

Or a lightweight Euro car for that matter.

But maybe I’m being too judgmental. The Iron Man phone is simply a PR stunt. A glorified eBay auction. A blog blip. Or is it a couple bags of blow for the Iron Man himself? Here he is, showing it off to his dealer. That’ll getcha high, Bobby!

No no. I jest. Robert Downey Jr. Is really an incredible actor, and a very good guy. But the joke had to be made.

But I like this, cellphone companies should make phones for every movie. Imagine the Motorola JUNO phone. It has only extremely hip, folk ring tones, and is decorated with a bedazzler. Or the Nokia, There Will be Blood phone. It’s a drill and a soulless bastard all in one. Or even the Inconvenient Truth phone by Samsung. It basically a tree with a blue tooth ear piece.

I guess as long as there are massive blockbuster films, and products to place in them, we will never be free of the retardedly over priced PR stunt product, but I sure hope no one actually thinks this thing is important.

Check out the Sonim here

- Captain Cellfish
AKA Iron Woman

We here at Cellfish.com have been working on a great little piece of code for our site, and it is finally ready.

I present you with the Ring Tone Maker! Really quite a simple thing, a tool if you will, but much like the hammer, this simple tool can build cities. Yes, I have just compared the Cellfish.com ring tone maker to the invention of the hammer. Ever since that first cro-magnon smashed something with something else the human race has striven to rule their environment through the use of tools. Now, my dear Cellfishers, your mobile phones have truly become yours.

Any mp3 that you have on your computer you can now turn into your very own ring tone. All you have to do is go to the Ring Tone Maker and use the slide tool to pick which section of the track you would like as your ring tone. That’s it.

Check the shizzy right hizzy!

Yes people, if I had a hammer I would hammer in the morning! Really, it is actually pretty damn hype.

Go ahead take it for a test drive, just don’t pee on the upholstery. If you like what you see tell your friends. Why? Cause things like this need to be given to the masses. Everyone is paying through the nose for ring tones still, and we think that is just so very wrong. So tell one tell all. Bring your pals, bring your parents, bring your cats and hamsters, bring that pervert in the alley. Make your ring tones on a train. Make your ring tones in the rain. Make your ring tone with a mouse, make your ring tones on a house.

Heck make a ring tone of Jesse Jackson reading Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live.

Thank you for that Reverend Jackson.

So what have we learned class? We have learned that it’s your damn music after all, why not be able to use it on your phone? Seems pretty logical to me. We’d make a doorbell version of the Ring Tone Maker if you’d let us into your house, but our legal dept. says we had to stop breaking and entering. (I hate this litigious society we live in, I really do). And we know that some ring tone sellers might be a bit peeved abotu us making the world of profiteering on ring tones obsolete, but sadly, we don’t give a rat’s spleen how they feel. We here at Cellfish say, Free the ring tones! Yep, that’s our battle cry.

I admit, it’s a pretty whack battle cry and we’re not exactly sure who we’re fighting, but fight on we will. And to top it off we’re fighting for you! Why just yesterday our VP of ass kicking took a piece of cellphone shrapnel in his ass. He was a good guy, had kids. Now he’ll never sit in an acquisition meeting again. But does he have regrets? No! We want you to have your free ring tones! It’s crazy out there in the ring tone trenches, but we here at Cellfish don’t know the meaning of quit. (or the meaning of quilt, for that matter)

So as my, delusional grandfather used to mutter to himself, “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our Cellfish dead!”

- Captain Cellfish
Under Study for Falstaff

Unworthy denizens of this pathetic planet! Behold!

A phone! In a… Cup…. Of… Water!             Holy Crap!

And get this. It is slim. Fujitsu’s new year’s resolution worked. Their handsets went on Jenny Craig. Valerie Bertinelli and Kirstie Alley got drunk and made out with it. Now it is slim and sexy. Ready for the runways of Milan… The underwater runways that is!

In a time where being the first seems to be more important than being good, or even being useful, my good friends over at Fujitsu have touched the gods. (not inappropriate touching either).

For the person who drops their phone in the toilet once a week, or the sloppy drunk who can’t seem to direct the beer into his/her quivering mouth, a large electronics corp has devoted their resources to make this incredible creation. While companies across this planet could have been making greener phones who’s compounds don’t poison the earth, or phones that get solid reception in elevators, or have better video capabilities, or emit less radiation, or are cheaper, or have better web access, or higher resolution screens, or smoother keypads, or can buy clothes, or open your garage door, or change the channel on your Tivo… Nope Fujitsu made a slim waterproof phone. Amazing!

BTW kudos on the branding guys. With a name like F705i the Razr better hide and the iPhone better run for the hills. I have been privileged to find out that the F705i was actually chosen over some of these other great names.

The following is a secret Fujitsu Marketing email that I intercepted.

—– Begin Transmission ——
To: Frank DelNipple
From: Carl
Subj: Possible names for the waterproof phone

Hey Frank,

The marketing team and I have come up with a list of hot ass names for the new phone. This thing is gonna sell like hot cakes to the 1 meter deep snorkeling cellphone community. While we all love the name F705i, we feel there may be some market share that we’re not tapping into. Please choose from the following list, and we’ll move forward with the “Hey, it’s in a cup!” Ad campaign.

These are the alternate names.
(I’m all about #4)

1. The Fujitsu Drooler
2. JHX2347QNGE
3. Fuji Sponge
4. Electric Gerbil
5. Meat Juice Fujitsu
6. Not Wet Talky Thing
7. Cocaine (this was Dierdra’s idea, I have already fired her)

Hugs & Smooches,

Carl

—– End Transmission ——

Next up Fujitsu will be launching, these great new products.
Spring ‘08 - The Chubster (the fattest waterproof phone)
Fall ‘08 - The Unicall (a unicycle cellphone for clowns)
Winter ‘09 - Mobile Pastrami (a lunch meat version of the F705i)

Okay, that’s enough…

Why am I ripping Fujitsu a new one here? I have to say I don’t quite know. The company never insulted me or my family. They never pooped on my lawn (I don’t even have a lawn). Their products seem fine. I even like their logo. So why would I do this to them?

I’ll tell you. Because I am a blogger, and bloggers defame with impunity. So defame I will. With impunity!

Here’s the cellphone gadget I just bought.

Talk about useful!  You can get it here

- Captain Cellfish
Amateur Beta Tester

p.s. I hereby formally apologize to Yoshihiko Masuda CEO of Fujitsu for any bad things I said. I was only kidding. (seriously though, the name is pretty whack)

Yes it’s true. The Norwegians have done it again.

Surprising? Heck no! These guys have been catching the world off guard for eons. 1st there were the Viking invasions, then the great speed skating sex scandals of 1912, and now this. Norwegian airlines has just announced that passengers will now be able to use their cell phones on flights. Read the facts here.

So the next time you’re going from Dubrovnik (DBV) to Trondheim (TRD) you will have the god given right to call your buddy and tell him all about how scrumptious that incredible plate of Rakfisk (fermented Norwegian trout, see below) you chowed this morning was.

Yummy!

So if the Norse can do it why can’t we?

God, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that…

Word on the street is that, when that massive bandwidth auction takes place, a little section might be used to create a little space for all of us to use on our trips through the great blue yonder. Won’t that be nice.

Now, you’ll be able to drown out the dreaded screaming child by sitting next to a caffeinated teenage girl en route to spring break, a few death metal ring tones, a weeping divorce’ talking to her lawyer, a drunk toner salesman chatting up his mistress, and me, explaining a dream I had to my pal, that was about a time when I went to Subway, and they only had seven grain bread. (true story, that was the whole f-ing dream. When I woke up I realized I needed some more excitement in my life)

So let’s assume that this statement is true. Most people hate most of the people they see around them at all times. Then it’s pretty safe to assume that unbridled cellphone usage on planes might not be the best idea in the world. We could have some pretty serious rage incidents of Nokia’s beging smashed on people’s heads, or iPhones being used as forced suppositories.

Sure, if your halfway through your flight from Gadank (GDN) to Stavanger (SVG) and these two kindly Norwegians are chatting with their grand daughters at the luge training facility, life would be fine.

Or better yet, the grand daughters are sitting next to you talking to Mamu and Papi on the phone. (see imaginary grand daughters below)

But we here in America are used to different in-flight experiences. We get the kind where religious zealots with bad breath, screaming parents, kvetching retirees and surly 25 year veteran stewardesses do everything in their power to disturb you. So let’s be careful how we open up the airways.

Speaking of airways, when the Captain was but a young lad there was a time where leathery skinned, raspy smokers used to populate the backs of planes, calming their frayed nerves with an endless stream of Camel un-filtereds. A pleasant smell? Not really, but the one thing I knew was that that was where the cool kids were hanging out. So that is what I propose. A calling section, similar to the smoking section of old. More of a lounge than a seat.

As this is a topic that will soon be upon us like a plate of fresh Pinnekjøtt, I ask all of you, my readers, to chime in and let me know how you feel. Yes, we are a mobile world now, and I, working for a mobile entertainment company value my cell phone and all the awesome things it can do as much as the next Norwegian, but do we really want that last place of disconnectedness to be, all of a sudden very much online?

I for one, do not know the answer. So please, chime in friends.

- Captain Cellfish
Assistant to Prime Minister Thorbjørn Jagland

It is here. The Cellfish Facebook app. We have launched. And so far its maiden voyage seems to be going great.

Oh yes, and what an app it is. Check it out here, or here, or you can even check it out here.

Basically, this bad boy lets you take any of your pictures, or any of your friends pictures and get them right on your phone. Simple, sexy, and clean. Like a dumb, gorgeous, dental hygienist.

So here’s the deal, go download the app, then get all of your friends to download it. Next thing you know photos are being zipped to phones all over the place. And then we’ll be one step closer to world peace. (not quite sure how, but I’m 98% sure we will be)

There she is, in all her glory. To tell you the truth sometimes I just sit at my desk and stare at it. It’s a syndrome called Application Obsession Disorder. Or AOD. If you suspect that you might be afflicted with this horrible disease, ask your doctor if Cellfish is right for you. Side effects include, euphoria, prickly toes, and sheep.

Hugs and Kisses,

- Captain Cellfish

Founder of IHOP

Mobile Mumps & Cellphone Syphilis… Coming to an ear hole near you!

Yes my friends, that’s right. As these little devices in our hands get more and more powerful the little maggot hackers of the world can’t seem to help themselves. It’s official, we have Cellphone viruses now.

Here is picture of a little cell phone virus that I caught while talking to a friend of mine in Thailand.

Nasty litter bugger. Started text messaging all my friends setting up drinks that I never even knew I was going to. Next thing I know all my friends are all drunk at the bar without me, and I’m chilling at home watching Re-Runs of Project Runway. That was a bullshit Tuesday.

Seriously, these things are out there and they are growing in numbers as viruses tend to do. So be careful where you stick that phone, pal. Gone are the days of chatting with loose women and shady dudes in the park in alleys. No sir! Not no more.

So far most of the viruses are pretty harmless, like little mobile herpes. Annoying little bugs that slow down your service to a crawl or erase your contacts, but the bad ones are out there lurking. There are viruses now that will start calling foreign countries and running your bill up as high as malaria runs up your fever. Or spying on your and your family. Yikes! Paging Dr. Orwell!

So what should you do to protect yourself?
Here are 5 handy dandy tips to keep yourself from becoming The Typhoid Mary of Mobile

1. Don’t take candy from strangers!
Well the same goes for ring tones, games, wallpapers, and videos. Make sure your ring tone site is legit, cause there are a bunch of scumbags out there. (psssst! BTW I know a great place to get ring tones for free. I work there. We’re called Cellfish.com)

2. Watch for suspicious attachments to text messages
If you don’t know who it’s from, and it has an attachment, beware! You’ve been warned.

3. Get cell phone anti-virus software
You think I’m nuts? Well Symantic has the software, so do with that info as you wish. Sure Larium makes you hallucinate, but it keeps you from dying as well.

4. Watch your phone carefully
If it starts to slow down or act weird, don’t blame it on sun spots. Pull out the battery, back up your contacts immediately, and go get the damn anti-virus software I just told you get in point #3. (Check out how to back up your contacts at Dumb Little Man) If your coverage just blows, don’t go dousing your handset in rubbing alcohol. It probably means your carrier just fell asleep at the switch again.

5. Practice Safe Cellphoning
The good people at Skins Mobile have come up with a truly revolutionary concept. The phone condom. Check it out in actual, real life demonstrations.

And thank you very much Nancy for that wonderful demonstration! Really solid work there. I feel like I’m back in 6th grade getting the quick “special hug” discussion.

Here’s a pretty good post from Cell Phone Guider that tells you what to do if you do have a Cell phone virus.

Okay y’all. Class dismissed.

Oh, and a quick message to all those pud-stickers who are making these viruses out there… Why?… Can’t you do something useful with your amazing computing skills. For instance, why not put up “My Little Pony” videos on the Al Qaeda beheading video sites, or transfer Halliburton’s funds into the Mississippi public school system. Don’t attack my phone. That’s like the whackest thing you could do with your time. Smoke some pot and play halo 3, I don’t care. Fold your mother’s laundry (it’s the least you could do after living in her house for 42 years). Just do something else.

Viva La Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
School Nurse
St. Agatha’s School for Ailing Donkeys

Well, here it is.

The Captain has discovered that T9 predictive text (the software that governs text messaging functions for almost all cellphones) has some major programming issues.

We’ve all had the experience of trying to type a text message and the phone doesn’t recognize a friend’s name. How could it? Why would it? (My cellphone does not know my friend Kenji, and I don’t blame it) Now, some of us have gone a step further and come to the realization that our cellphones don’t recognize slang words (wassup, homey, aiight, see ya, etc…). Even fewer of us know, that when it comes to cursing, our cellphones are just plain square. Which is odd, because the cellphone industry does everything it can to make us think our phones are the hippest things since retro tee-shirts (see Motorola Razr 2… A weapon?), yet for some reason the text messaging software remains downright Puritanical.

This got me thinking… Who decided exactly what words the T9 predictive text software would recognize, and which words it would remain ignorant of? Who decided what I can, and cannot text to my friends, family, and enemies? And while I know it is still possible to spell out the words letter by letter, it is a real pain in the ass. So, in effect, the cellphone industry, through the T9 software, has censored me (or at the very least made it nearly impossible for me to speak freely).

So I decided to I spend my morning testing the T9 system on my Verizon Samsung, and I am here to report some very interesting/frightening/ridiculous findings.

Here’s how my study worked. First I tried to type the desired word, then I cycled through the options, if it never arrived at my word I made a note of it. (In some cases, my phone wouldn’t even let me attempt to finish the word).

Study 1. Standard Name Calling

Notable findings:

1. The word “Chubi” really should be the new “Bitch” (my brother-in-law pointed this one out to me). This is how you would use it in a sentence, “Stop acting like such a Chubi and come drinking with me till we passout on some church steps, and embarrass our wives!”
2. “Whore” is not recognized but “hooker” and “prostitute” are. Is one better than the other? And what’s with the denial of Shakespearean synonyms?
3. Is “bastard” even a bad word? Some of my best friends are bastards. (Here’s where my puritanical complaints begin)

Study 2. Exclamations

Notable Findings:

1. I know religion is always a contentious issue, but am I not allowed to type “goddamn?” What would James Brown say?
2. The cellphone company knows that I am well over 18 so how come I can’t drop the occasional F-Bomb if the feeling strikes me?

Study 3. Bodily Functions

Notable Findings:

1. Since when is “crap” a bad word? (I think you can even say it on Nickelodeon)
2. They make “fart” just way too difficult to type. I need that word always at my finger tips.
3. How come I can text urinate and I can’t text defecate? (The only way to talk about #2 is by typing “poop”) (which ain’t so bad if you ask me).

Study 4. Body Parts (now here’s where it gets really interesting)

Notable Findings:

1. How come you can type “Vagina” and not “Penis?” These are both technical, medical terms, neither of which should be (or are) offensive to anyone. Maybe it’s just me, but there is something slightly sexist going on here. It feels a lot like how male nudity gets you a stronger film rating than female nudity.
(The, It’s-okay-to-see-a-little-Hoo-hah-as-long-as-you-don’t-see-any-Dong-dong principle)
2. If I was a feline, I would be insulted, outraged, and up in arms about the fact that if a friend wanted to call me a “pussy” they would only be able to call me a young dog. Cats of the world rise up and take to the streets!

So there it is… The definitive T9 predictive text, censorship study. What have we learned? Well, frankly, I’ve learned that I might have a bit too much time on my hands (don’t tell my employers). I have also learned that while some of this is kind of silly, (try texting “Man-gina” sometime and watch your phone freak-out) there are maybe just a few cultural issues here. I am not claiming that T9 or Nuance the company that just bought the software for $265 million has any real bias, but there are some things they might want to examine.

I, for one, am kind of sick of having corporations tell me what I can and cannot say. Now I know that you can add words to the phone’s dictionary, but that is a real pain in the assime (T9 - asshole). I say open up your dictionaries and let the public decide what they want to write. Make the under 18 dictionary a bit tamer, and then get rid of this Amish software you’ve forced on us! I ask you my wonderful blogging public to go forth and spread the word. Try these words out on your own phones. Then write and link back to me any inane, ridiculous, or just ducking (T9 F$@king) offensive glitches you find in their program. It’s time we tell those Chubies out there that we will not abide!Here are some other stories I found of people who have battled, and in one case won, the fight against predictive text.

Man’s phone prefers one sibling over the other
Digital Host’s Sanguine Penguin
Commuter Writes Book Using Cellphone

Viva la revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Runner-Up, 2nd Grade Spelling Bee

Hello!

The Captain has been given one hell of a challenge. Promote our free ringtone give-away.

Here are the details. It’s pretty damn simple, really.

We, Cellfish.com, are giving away all of our premium ring tones, for the grand, whopping price of zero dollars.

Should be a pretty simple thing to offer. Free ring tones from top artists. What’s the big problem?

Well, I’ll tell you. You see, everyone out there says they have “free ring tones.” There are like 867,340 web sites that offer free ring tones already, but the thing is, 867,339 of them are just trying to trick you into downloading a ring tone, before they nail you with a subscription charge, or some hidden fee, or some other sneaky, bait and switch crap. It’s bullshit frankly! (I cursed, yay for me!)

So it is my job, (and if I don’t start doing it better they’ll beat me again!) to let you, the web surfing public know, that our ring tones are really free.

Totally, completely, and utterly free.

As free as a free range chicken. As free as the polluted air we breathe. As free as fajita samples at Costco. As free as the odors in Chinatown!

So stop wasting your goddamn time reading my blog and go get some frikkin’ ring tones, because this is a limited time offer.

You see, we, the employees of Cellfish have revolted and switched the site’s money making features off. Management has been locked in a closet. It’s bedlam around here. Cats and dogs sleeping together, PC and Mac users making out in the copy room. You don’t believe me? Here’s a conversation I just overheard.

“Hey, Frank why the hell are you naked?”
“Cause everything’s f-ing free, Dolores! We’re sniffing glue in the kitchen! Come on!”
“Dude! Score!”
True story, just happened right behind me.

Yup, we done got all Vladimir Ilyich Lenin up in this mug! The Che tee-shirts are selling like hot cakes. So unless you are a revolution stifling, corporate, monarchic, capitalist, filthy, pig-dog, come to site and get your tones while the gettin’s good!

Watch this video if you still don’t get it.

(hint: I’m the guy with crappy hair!)
Gimme a break I just came from the gym, my hair usually doesn’t look that bad.

- Captain Cellfish
Private 1st class, 2nd Divison
People’s Open Democratic Equality Ringtone Liberation Front Army Movement
(PODERLFAM)

Beware!

Check your junk mail and check it carefully.

It has come to my attention that every piece of tree chopping, junk mail that gets sent to you may, in fact, be your one and only chance to spare yourself from an endless cavalcade of promotional text messages. So when I say check your mail, I mean check it with a fine tooth, magnifying glass, because now you need to opt-out to keep your cellphone, in-box free of promotional spam.

What in gawd’s name is ya talkin’ about Cap’n? Well my toothless bootleggers, I’ll tell you. Verizon is making a few “minor” changes to their CPNI (that stands for Customer Proprietary Network Information). A nice acronym, rolls off the tongue really. What is it? Well basically it is your phone number, your call history, your information, and other people’s right to use it for marketing purposes.

And here’s where it starts to smell (a nice, aged Gorgonzola type of smell). What Verizon has done is sent you a mailer that is a long legal looking document, that almost no one in their right mind is going to read (only 2nd year law students, and weirdos who collect newspapers and bits of string). (You can download the document at Moconews.) And here’s the rub. If you fail to find this legal needle in the junk mail haystack you will have, by default, agreed to it. So unless you actually open the letter, comprehend what the F it is talking about, call the 800 number, enter your cellphone number, your billing zip, the last four of your social, and then press nine (or was it two?), you will be IN. And when Verizon, the “IN” network says your in, boy are you in.

The cutest part of the whole thing is that the headline of the document is, “Your privacy is important to us.” Heck yeah it’s important, it’s an extremely important revenue stream is what it is. A veritable untapped pool of cash. And like any good American corporation, V is gonna tap it like sweet mama crude in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. Hell yeah! Screw the caribou! (I know I have)

So , if you don’t opt out within 30 days, it is very likely you’ll start getting text messages with offers you don’t even understand, and if you try to opt out of those you’ll probably just be signing up for others, soon your cellphone in-box will look like you clicked the “send me offers” box on every Viagra and refinance email you’ve ever gotten. It will be ugly. Something like this:

We wouldn’t stand for this type of behavior anywhere else would we? What if the Red Cross took blood from you simply because you didn’t tell them not to. Or if at Red Lobster you were served food before you ordered, merely because you didn’t tell them you wanted to choose for yourself. It’s like having unknown forces above you decide what you will read and when you will read it. It’s like… Holy crap! It’s like Communism. Wait a second… Did unabashed capitalism and dictatorial communism just share a saucy little tongue kiss on a dark country road? Yikes! This can’t be good.

Verizon really nailed it in their ad campaign. Thousands of employees constantly looking over your back and following you everywhere you go. Sounds about right to me. But this is not to pick on Verizon alone. I have heard rumors that AT&T is about to do the same thing. And Cellphone carriers are just the beginning. Here’s what it boils down to. Every single time you absentmindedly click one of those “I Accept” buttons you are placing a bet. You are betting that the company you have just agreed to everything with, has a good conscience. I personally have placed that bet with probably over a hundred companies at least. Now, knowing what I know about the world (which is surprisingly little), I would guess that I have gambled a few too many times.What’s the answer? Tough one. If those lengthy legal statements weren’t in place, we’d all start suing these companies for millions of dollars, just so we could buy our new flat screen and agree to those terms and conditions. And now that they are in place corporations can molest us, and our precious brain space at will. My solution… Impose a Bullshit Tax. 3% will do. This fund will literally be used to pay for the removal of all excess jargon, customer service wait times, frivolous lawsuits, unwanted promotional marketing material, identity theft, trans fats, non-alcoholic beer, mass produced dream catchers, and blogs about Britney.

BTW if you are a Verizon customer I highly recommend you call this number 800.333.9956 and opt out while you still can.

Take a look at some other solid articles written about this issue:

iHack Edge
Telecom Jungle Musings
Lockergnome
Mobile Freak
Embracing Chaos

Hey, just in case you thought I was getting too serious, take a look at this video about what’s going on here at Cellfish.

And by the way, the talented actor who is portraying me (very well I might add) is a paid actor (we gave him $12,000.00 and a foot massage for this role, what a bargain!). I can actually be found in the longer version of the spot on YouTube.com.

Viva la Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Former Exotic Dancer (aka Jazz Octane)

Well it has arrived, Blog Action Day. Over 15,000 bloggers all writing about the same, very important topic, all on one day. Yes, my friends, we are talking about the environment, ol’ mama nature, the humid lady herself, and what we have to say is not good. Between the 70 degree October here in NYC, the drought in California, the brand new raging rivers of Greenland, the all new Canadian wine industry, the Chinese smog, the burning plain states, the mass death of the bumble bees, and all the f-ing garbage, something has to be done.

Now we all know the top ten energy saving tips that are out there (get your florescent bulbs, don’t browse through your fridge, turn down your thermostat, unplug your chargers, etc.). That stuff is all well and good, and will most definitely help the cause, but frankly we need to do more. We need to change the way we think, reprogram the psyche, act more responsible. Will gov’t incentive programs work? Maybe. Will amazing global concerts spark a revolution? Possibly. Will 15,000 blogs do the trick? I sure hope so. But if you really want to know what will make the difference look no further than your mother.

We all know what gets us to act in the end. It’s not personal conviction, or thoughts of responsibility. It’s guilt. Good old fashioned thoughts of disappointing your parents. Hey, it’s worked for Jews and Catholics for a very long time now, so let’s make it work for the planet. So I, Captain Cellfish do hereby launch the, “Guilt the ever lovin’ crap out of them campaign for global change.”

We will start by listing the top five ways to guilt people into conservation.

1. If you ever see someone drop a piece of garbage, hand it back to them and say, “excuse me you dropped something.”

2. When you catch one of your friends being environmentally unconscious, rolls your eyes, sigh and simply say the line, “you disappoint me. I thought you were a better person than that.”

3. If your place of employment doesn’t recycle, go into your CEO’s office, point to the picture of his/her smiling children on the desk and say, “Too bad you’re destroying their future, anyway, how about those TPS reports.”

4. If you catch one of your neighbors, letting his car idle just to cool it down before he/she gets in, say, “I’ll tell the baby polar bear who’s mother you just murdered, that you just wanted to cool off the leather seats in your car before your pristine butt touched the upholstery.”

5. The next time someone tells you how beautiful this 65 degree weather is, even though it’s January, reply with, “Your idle, small talk is akin to global genocide.” Then spit on their shoes.

So that’s it. Through our guilt we will promote change. It’s a relatively simple idea, start the revolution through nagging.

And now here’s where the Captain goes mobile. You, my savvy sexy little readers… I want you all to hit the streets, and take Cell Phone pictures of people who need a good dose of enviro-guilt. Shoot cell phone shots of garbage dumped hither and thither, polluters in action, water being wasted, people having gasoline fights, etc. Then upload them to Cellfish where I will compile a massive list of all things environmentally guilty. I will then print them all out, and turn them into an evening gown that I will wear in front of the White House for no less than 20 days straight, or until the secret service removes. You wanted blog action? You got it.

No but seriously, shoot pictures on your cell phones of the bad guys and send them into Cellfish. We’ll get quite a catalogue going. It will be great. I will post them all on the blog, and we’ll see if we can’t make at least one person feel genuinely crappy about what they’ve done.

Viva la Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Former VP, Oil Exploration, Chevron