Well, I am here to report that LG is doing the important work. They are making gold cell phones to launch Hollywood’s blockbuster season. Rejoice public! The Iron Man phone is here! Complete with radioactive tumor causing powers!

Ah, look at it. It just reeks of superhero-dom. Stinks of it really. It’s got a solid 18 Karat gold battery cover, and it can fly, and it can save the world, and defeat the commies, and hook up with hotties, and beat up your dad. That’s right. LG has made a phone that can beat up your dad.

Now let’s examine the choice of gold for cellphone construction. Gold is a soft metal, so soft that you can leave teeth marks in it. It is however, stronger than aluminum foil, which was the previously chosen material. LG executives wanted to give Iron Man phone owners the chance to wrap up their lunch leftovers after they were full.

Seriously though, shouldn’t the phone be stronger than gold. Isn’t Iron Man supposed to be at least somewhat strong? I haven’t seen the flick yet, but I’m assuming, from what I know about superheroes, that soft and mailable is not part of Iron Man’s skill set. Now, platinum would have been hot. Iron a tad heavy, but at least sightly more fitting. Adamantium would have mixed up comic book heroes, but at least it would have been un-breakable. But gold? I don’t know. If I was carrying my $1,500 gold cellphone in my pocket with my keys, and whipped it out at any one of the many celebrity functions I go to only to see the word “medeco” imprinted on the back, I’d be pissed.

I’d pit my old Motorola StarTac against the LG Iron Man phone in a cage match any day. That thing was amazing. I used to throw that phone on the ground at bars as a trick to get drinks. I once submerged that thing in a NYC puddle for 60 seconds. It still worked. Dried it out in the oven, disinfected it with some Purel, and bam, it still worked. My StarTac would bitch slap this glitzy, pansy, life coach, dream catcher wanna be, aroma therapy, pilates doin’, Paris Hilton chillin with, bullshit phone.

No wait, let’s pit the Iron Man phone against a modern current phone. Maybe we should put the Iron Man phone up against the Sonim XP1.

This phone can’t even be beaten by a German elephant. Now thats a tough phone.

Or a lightweight Euro car for that matter.

But maybe I’m being too judgmental. The Iron Man phone is simply a PR stunt. A glorified eBay auction. A blog blip. Or is it a couple bags of blow for the Iron Man himself? Here he is, showing it off to his dealer. That’ll getcha high, Bobby!

No no. I jest. Robert Downey Jr. Is really an incredible actor, and a very good guy. But the joke had to be made.

But I like this, cellphone companies should make phones for every movie. Imagine the Motorola JUNO phone. It has only extremely hip, folk ring tones, and is decorated with a bedazzler. Or the Nokia, There Will be Blood phone. It’s a drill and a soulless bastard all in one. Or even the Inconvenient Truth phone by Samsung. It basically a tree with a blue tooth ear piece.

I guess as long as there are massive blockbuster films, and products to place in them, we will never be free of the retardedly over priced PR stunt product, but I sure hope no one actually thinks this thing is important.

Check out the Sonim here

- Captain Cellfish
AKA Iron Woman