Yes. It was time… It had to happen.

Just as moses needed to deliver those commandments to calm the unruly mob… Just as Martha Stewart had to let the world know how to set a Thanksgiving table… Just as Jesus needed to deliver the sermon on the mount to say wassup to his peeps… And just as Tom Cruise needed to educate Matt Lauer on the subject of mental illness… I, Captain Cellfish have been summoned by a greater power to deliver my knowledge to the world.

Let me begin by saying, I love the iPhone. It is very sexy. Sexy like a hot librarian. Smart, sleek, accessible, tantalizing, organized and powerful. Do you get the feeling that I want an iPhone? (see previous sentence)

Now some may say that this post is blatant iPhone envy. Others may claim I am a hater, pure and simple. Well correct me if I’m wrong, but I think Jesus, Moses, Martha and Tom have all been accused of being haterz at one time or another. So I’m gonna fit right in line.

So without further ado…

The Official iPhone Etiquette Guide.

1. Sir, your fly is unzipped!

You wouldn’t intentionally walk into an office, a restaurant, or a party with your fly unzipped and your Johnsonian hanging out would you? (depends on the party, I guess) But you see the point here. Please don’t whip out your phone before making your entrance. If you need a phone to help you make an entrance, you need a lot more help than any phone can give you. Okay, if you have legitimate business on the phone I understand. Say, for instance, if someone is calling you. But yanking it out of your pants merely to make sure your pristine touch screen is still functional, is a major no-no.

2. You will get duck sauced!

When at a restaurant, do not place your iPhone on the table for all to see. That move is basically like being so burdened by your cash-stuffed wallet, that you simply must get it out of your pocket and onto the table before your sciatica acts up. I personally guarantee that if I see another iPhone sitting on a restaurant table I will do one of three things.

1) I’ll just take it (I am a Brooklyn boy at heart).

2) I will loudly say, “Oh my god! Is that an iPhone? How do you like it? That’s so freaking cool that you have one. I am really envious!” (BTW I know that’s what you want me to think, and the truth is, it is very close to what I am actually thinking, but we both know you do NOT want me to say it out (very) loud.)

3) I will dump duck sauce on it. Even if we’re not in a Chinese restaurant, I’ll go find some god damn duck sauce, and squeeze it out on your phone. Then that “slide to unlock” feature will be pretty sticky.

3. Hey rabbit ears, find a router!
We all know that sometimes your iPhone load times can be a real drag. We know that you are partially a slave to the world of wi-fi. Yes sometimes it’s hard to choose between Starbucks network, NetGear, The Donkey Palace, and Smoochies Rubber Goods, but when you’re standing there holding your iPhone to the sky like you were Thor the Norse God of Thunder, you look pretty whack. I mean, if every time all you iPhoners did it Steve Jobs, and Justin Long (mac boy) were able to send a bolt of Apple Lightning to you giving you that T3 connection you crave, that would be cool. But until that day, all this Thundercats behavior must cease and desist.

4. Thanks, I’m all good on the cheek cheese for now.
Okay, so you have a very impressive collection of J Coug Mellancamp albums on your phone, those pictures of your sister’s puppy pooping out tinsel are incredible, and the YouTube video of those guys spoofing that Gap ad is just too amazing to wait to see at home. And yes, I do want to see it all. Ah but here’s the rub. That touch screen has been fused to your cheek for the last three months, and based on your minutes, you’re using it for like 900 peak and god knows how much off peak. Now sadly, I have to use my finger to scroll through all the great stuff you want to show me.

Your screen is greasy, and now my finger smells like your face. So like Woodsy’s niece, Hooter used to say, “Don’t snipe, give your iPhone a wipe”

5. iXnay on the iSmall talk
I will go as far as to say that talking about the weather is at least 10 times more productive than discussing your iPhone. Especially these days. The weather’s a freakin thrill ride. Soon, talking about the weather will be like describing a police chase you saw last night. “Did you see the flood waters when they hit the power plant? Holy dip, that shit was crazy!” Global warming has re-defined our small talk. Your cellphone, on the other hand, has not.

With all the important issues that are going on in the world (all the the fine reality TV, all the fantastic post holiday sales, all the sports steroids, and Britney death watches) there is so much more to do around the water cooler than chat about your iPhone. If you want to discuss the features of your mobile device, feel free to do it all night long at home. Hey, that’s why it’s a phone, just keep it behind closed doors, people.

Well, that’s it for now. While I know there are many other topics to be discussed, I’m afraid these may mostly fall under general cell phone etiquette, which is a much longer list. (one that I am dutifully compiling, along with famous IM typos, and instances of email tone inference destroying relationships) So, please all you fine readers out there, if you have any other iFauxne pho-pas that you have seen members of our society commit, please forward them on to me and I will gladly amend this list.

Until next time,

- Captain Cellfish
iNspector # 12
(Fruit of the Loom)