We here at Cellfish.com have been working on a great little piece of code for our site, and it is finally ready.

I present you with the Ring Tone Maker! Really quite a simple thing, a tool if you will, but much like the hammer, this simple tool can build cities. Yes, I have just compared the Cellfish.com ring tone maker to the invention of the hammer. Ever since that first cro-magnon smashed something with something else the human race has striven to rule their environment through the use of tools. Now, my dear Cellfishers, your mobile phones have truly become yours.

Any mp3 that you have on your computer you can now turn into your very own ring tone. All you have to do is go to the Ring Tone Maker and use the slide tool to pick which section of the track you would like as your ring tone. That’s it.

Check the shizzy right hizzy!

Yes people, if I had a hammer I would hammer in the morning! Really, it is actually pretty damn hype.

Go ahead take it for a test drive, just don’t pee on the upholstery. If you like what you see tell your friends. Why? Cause things like this need to be given to the masses. Everyone is paying through the nose for ring tones still, and we think that is just so very wrong. So tell one tell all. Bring your pals, bring your parents, bring your cats and hamsters, bring that pervert in the alley. Make your ring tones on a train. Make your ring tones in the rain. Make your ring tone with a mouse, make your ring tones on a house.

Heck make a ring tone of Jesse Jackson reading Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live.

Thank you for that Reverend Jackson.

So what have we learned class? We have learned that it’s your damn music after all, why not be able to use it on your phone? Seems pretty logical to me. We’d make a doorbell version of the Ring Tone Maker if you’d let us into your house, but our legal dept. says we had to stop breaking and entering. (I hate this litigious society we live in, I really do). And we know that some ring tone sellers might be a bit peeved abotu us making the world of profiteering on ring tones obsolete, but sadly, we don’t give a rat’s spleen how they feel. We here at Cellfish say, Free the ring tones! Yep, that’s our battle cry.

I admit, it’s a pretty whack battle cry and we’re not exactly sure who we’re fighting, but fight on we will. And to top it off we’re fighting for you! Why just yesterday our VP of ass kicking took a piece of cellphone shrapnel in his ass. He was a good guy, had kids. Now he’ll never sit in an acquisition meeting again. But does he have regrets? No! We want you to have your free ring tones! It’s crazy out there in the ring tone trenches, but we here at Cellfish don’t know the meaning of quit. (or the meaning of quilt, for that matter)

So as my, delusional grandfather used to mutter to himself, “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our Cellfish dead!”

- Captain Cellfish
Under Study for Falstaff

Yes. It was time… It had to happen.

Just as moses needed to deliver those commandments to calm the unruly mob… Just as Martha Stewart had to let the world know how to set a Thanksgiving table… Just as Jesus needed to deliver the sermon on the mount to say wassup to his peeps… And just as Tom Cruise needed to educate Matt Lauer on the subject of mental illness… I, Captain Cellfish have been summoned by a greater power to deliver my knowledge to the world.

Let me begin by saying, I love the iPhone. It is very sexy. Sexy like a hot librarian. Smart, sleek, accessible, tantalizing, organized and powerful. Do you get the feeling that I want an iPhone? (see previous sentence)

Now some may say that this post is blatant iPhone envy. Others may claim I am a hater, pure and simple. Well correct me if I’m wrong, but I think Jesus, Moses, Martha and Tom have all been accused of being haterz at one time or another. So I’m gonna fit right in line.

So without further ado…

The Official iPhone Etiquette Guide.

1. Sir, your fly is unzipped!

You wouldn’t intentionally walk into an office, a restaurant, or a party with your fly unzipped and your Johnsonian hanging out would you? (depends on the party, I guess) But you see the point here. Please don’t whip out your phone before making your entrance. If you need a phone to help you make an entrance, you need a lot more help than any phone can give you. Okay, if you have legitimate business on the phone I understand. Say, for instance, if someone is calling you. But yanking it out of your pants merely to make sure your pristine touch screen is still functional, is a major no-no.

2. You will get duck sauced!

When at a restaurant, do not place your iPhone on the table for all to see. That move is basically like being so burdened by your cash-stuffed wallet, that you simply must get it out of your pocket and onto the table before your sciatica acts up. I personally guarantee that if I see another iPhone sitting on a restaurant table I will do one of three things.

1) I’ll just take it (I am a Brooklyn boy at heart).

2) I will loudly say, “Oh my god! Is that an iPhone? How do you like it? That’s so freaking cool that you have one. I am really envious!” (BTW I know that’s what you want me to think, and the truth is, it is very close to what I am actually thinking, but we both know you do NOT want me to say it out (very) loud.)

3) I will dump duck sauce on it. Even if we’re not in a Chinese restaurant, I’ll go find some god damn duck sauce, and squeeze it out on your phone. Then that “slide to unlock” feature will be pretty sticky.

3. Hey rabbit ears, find a router!
We all know that sometimes your iPhone load times can be a real drag. We know that you are partially a slave to the world of wi-fi. Yes sometimes it’s hard to choose between Starbucks network, NetGear, The Donkey Palace, and Smoochies Rubber Goods, but when you’re standing there holding your iPhone to the sky like you were Thor the Norse God of Thunder, you look pretty whack. I mean, if every time all you iPhoners did it Steve Jobs, and Justin Long (mac boy) were able to send a bolt of Apple Lightning to you giving you that T3 connection you crave, that would be cool. But until that day, all this Thundercats behavior must cease and desist.

4. Thanks, I’m all good on the cheek cheese for now.
Okay, so you have a very impressive collection of J Coug Mellancamp albums on your phone, those pictures of your sister’s puppy pooping out tinsel are incredible, and the YouTube video of those guys spoofing that Gap ad is just too amazing to wait to see at home. And yes, I do want to see it all. Ah but here’s the rub. That touch screen has been fused to your cheek for the last three months, and based on your minutes, you’re using it for like 900 peak and god knows how much off peak. Now sadly, I have to use my finger to scroll through all the great stuff you want to show me.

Your screen is greasy, and now my finger smells like your face. So like Woodsy’s niece, Hooter used to say, “Don’t snipe, give your iPhone a wipe”

5. iXnay on the iSmall talk
I will go as far as to say that talking about the weather is at least 10 times more productive than discussing your iPhone. Especially these days. The weather’s a freakin thrill ride. Soon, talking about the weather will be like describing a police chase you saw last night. “Did you see the flood waters when they hit the power plant? Holy dip, that shit was crazy!” Global warming has re-defined our small talk. Your cellphone, on the other hand, has not.

With all the important issues that are going on in the world (all the the fine reality TV, all the fantastic post holiday sales, all the sports steroids, and Britney death watches) there is so much more to do around the water cooler than chat about your iPhone. If you want to discuss the features of your mobile device, feel free to do it all night long at home. Hey, that’s why it’s a phone, just keep it behind closed doors, people.

Well, that’s it for now. While I know there are many other topics to be discussed, I’m afraid these may mostly fall under general cell phone etiquette, which is a much longer list. (one that I am dutifully compiling, along with famous IM typos, and instances of email tone inference destroying relationships) So, please all you fine readers out there, if you have any other iFauxne pho-pas that you have seen members of our society commit, please forward them on to me and I will gladly amend this list.

Until next time,

- Captain Cellfish
iNspector # 12
(Fruit of the Loom)