Unworthy denizens of this pathetic planet! Behold!

A phone! In a… Cup…. Of… Water!             Holy Crap!

And get this. It is slim. Fujitsu’s new year’s resolution worked. Their handsets went on Jenny Craig. Valerie Bertinelli and Kirstie Alley got drunk and made out with it. Now it is slim and sexy. Ready for the runways of Milan… The underwater runways that is!

In a time where being the first seems to be more important than being good, or even being useful, my good friends over at Fujitsu have touched the gods. (not inappropriate touching either).

For the person who drops their phone in the toilet once a week, or the sloppy drunk who can’t seem to direct the beer into his/her quivering mouth, a large electronics corp has devoted their resources to make this incredible creation. While companies across this planet could have been making greener phones who’s compounds don’t poison the earth, or phones that get solid reception in elevators, or have better video capabilities, or emit less radiation, or are cheaper, or have better web access, or higher resolution screens, or smoother keypads, or can buy clothes, or open your garage door, or change the channel on your Tivo… Nope Fujitsu made a slim waterproof phone. Amazing!

BTW kudos on the branding guys. With a name like F705i the Razr better hide and the iPhone better run for the hills. I have been privileged to find out that the F705i was actually chosen over some of these other great names.

The following is a secret Fujitsu Marketing email that I intercepted.

—– Begin Transmission ——
To: Frank DelNipple
From: Carl
Subj: Possible names for the waterproof phone

Hey Frank,

The marketing team and I have come up with a list of hot ass names for the new phone. This thing is gonna sell like hot cakes to the 1 meter deep snorkeling cellphone community. While we all love the name F705i, we feel there may be some market share that we’re not tapping into. Please choose from the following list, and we’ll move forward with the “Hey, it’s in a cup!” Ad campaign.

These are the alternate names.
(I’m all about #4)

1. The Fujitsu Drooler
2. JHX2347QNGE
3. Fuji Sponge
4. Electric Gerbil
5. Meat Juice Fujitsu
6. Not Wet Talky Thing
7. Cocaine (this was Dierdra’s idea, I have already fired her)

Hugs & Smooches,

Carl

—– End Transmission ——

Next up Fujitsu will be launching, these great new products.
Spring ‘08 - The Chubster (the fattest waterproof phone)
Fall ‘08 - The Unicall (a unicycle cellphone for clowns)
Winter ‘09 - Mobile Pastrami (a lunch meat version of the F705i)

Okay, that’s enough…

Why am I ripping Fujitsu a new one here? I have to say I don’t quite know. The company never insulted me or my family. They never pooped on my lawn (I don’t even have a lawn). Their products seem fine. I even like their logo. So why would I do this to them?

I’ll tell you. Because I am a blogger, and bloggers defame with impunity. So defame I will. With impunity!

Here’s the cellphone gadget I just bought.

Talk about useful!  You can get it here

- Captain Cellfish
Amateur Beta Tester

p.s. I hereby formally apologize to Yoshihiko Masuda CEO of Fujitsu for any bad things I said. I was only kidding. (seriously though, the name is pretty whack)