Unworthy denizens of this pathetic planet! Behold!

A phone! In a… Cup…. Of… Water!             Holy Crap!

And get this. It is slim. Fujitsu’s new year’s resolution worked. Their handsets went on Jenny Craig. Valerie Bertinelli and Kirstie Alley got drunk and made out with it. Now it is slim and sexy. Ready for the runways of Milan… The underwater runways that is!

In a time where being the first seems to be more important than being good, or even being useful, my good friends over at Fujitsu have touched the gods. (not inappropriate touching either).

For the person who drops their phone in the toilet once a week, or the sloppy drunk who can’t seem to direct the beer into his/her quivering mouth, a large electronics corp has devoted their resources to make this incredible creation. While companies across this planet could have been making greener phones who’s compounds don’t poison the earth, or phones that get solid reception in elevators, or have better video capabilities, or emit less radiation, or are cheaper, or have better web access, or higher resolution screens, or smoother keypads, or can buy clothes, or open your garage door, or change the channel on your Tivo… Nope Fujitsu made a slim waterproof phone. Amazing!

BTW kudos on the branding guys. With a name like F705i the Razr better hide and the iPhone better run for the hills. I have been privileged to find out that the F705i was actually chosen over some of these other great names.

The following is a secret Fujitsu Marketing email that I intercepted.

—– Begin Transmission ——
To: Frank DelNipple
From: Carl
Subj: Possible names for the waterproof phone

Hey Frank,

The marketing team and I have come up with a list of hot ass names for the new phone. This thing is gonna sell like hot cakes to the 1 meter deep snorkeling cellphone community. While we all love the name F705i, we feel there may be some market share that we’re not tapping into. Please choose from the following list, and we’ll move forward with the “Hey, it’s in a cup!” Ad campaign.

These are the alternate names.
(I’m all about #4)

1. The Fujitsu Drooler
2. JHX2347QNGE
3. Fuji Sponge
4. Electric Gerbil
5. Meat Juice Fujitsu
6. Not Wet Talky Thing
7. Cocaine (this was Dierdra’s idea, I have already fired her)

Hugs & Smooches,

Carl

—– End Transmission ——

Next up Fujitsu will be launching, these great new products.
Spring ‘08 - The Chubster (the fattest waterproof phone)
Fall ‘08 - The Unicall (a unicycle cellphone for clowns)
Winter ‘09 - Mobile Pastrami (a lunch meat version of the F705i)

Okay, that’s enough…

Why am I ripping Fujitsu a new one here? I have to say I don’t quite know. The company never insulted me or my family. They never pooped on my lawn (I don’t even have a lawn). Their products seem fine. I even like their logo. So why would I do this to them?

I’ll tell you. Because I am a blogger, and bloggers defame with impunity. So defame I will. With impunity!

Here’s the cellphone gadget I just bought.

Talk about useful!  You can get it here

- Captain Cellfish
Amateur Beta Tester

p.s. I hereby formally apologize to Yoshihiko Masuda CEO of Fujitsu for any bad things I said. I was only kidding. (seriously though, the name is pretty whack)

4 comments

Yes it’s true. The Norwegians have done it again.

Surprising? Heck no! These guys have been catching the world off guard for eons. 1st there were the Viking invasions, then the great speed skating sex scandals of 1912, and now this. Norwegian airlines has just announced that passengers will now be able to use their cell phones on flights. Read the facts here.

So the next time you’re going from Dubrovnik (DBV) to Trondheim (TRD) you will have the god given right to call your buddy and tell him all about how scrumptious that incredible plate of Rakfisk (fermented Norwegian trout, see below) you chowed this morning was.

Yummy!

So if the Norse can do it why can’t we?

God, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that…

Word on the street is that, when that massive bandwidth auction takes place, a little section might be used to create a little space for all of us to use on our trips through the great blue yonder. Won’t that be nice.

Now, you’ll be able to drown out the dreaded screaming child by sitting next to a caffeinated teenage girl en route to spring break, a few death metal ring tones, a weeping divorce’ talking to her lawyer, a drunk toner salesman chatting up his mistress, and me, explaining a dream I had to my pal, that was about a time when I went to Subway, and they only had seven grain bread. (true story, that was the whole f-ing dream. When I woke up I realized I needed some more excitement in my life)

So let’s assume that this statement is true. Most people hate most of the people they see around them at all times. Then it’s pretty safe to assume that unbridled cellphone usage on planes might not be the best idea in the world. We could have some pretty serious rage incidents of Nokia’s beging smashed on people’s heads, or iPhones being used as forced suppositories.

Sure, if your halfway through your flight from Gadank (GDN) to Stavanger (SVG) and these two kindly Norwegians are chatting with their grand daughters at the luge training facility, life would be fine.

Or better yet, the grand daughters are sitting next to you talking to Mamu and Papi on the phone. (see imaginary grand daughters below)

But we here in America are used to different in-flight experiences. We get the kind where religious zealots with bad breath, screaming parents, kvetching retirees and surly 25 year veteran stewardesses do everything in their power to disturb you. So let’s be careful how we open up the airways.

Speaking of airways, when the Captain was but a young lad there was a time where leathery skinned, raspy smokers used to populate the backs of planes, calming their frayed nerves with an endless stream of Camel un-filtereds. A pleasant smell? Not really, but the one thing I knew was that that was where the cool kids were hanging out. So that is what I propose. A calling section, similar to the smoking section of old. More of a lounge than a seat.

As this is a topic that will soon be upon us like a plate of fresh Pinnekjøtt, I ask all of you, my readers, to chime in and let me know how you feel. Yes, we are a mobile world now, and I, working for a mobile entertainment company value my cell phone and all the awesome things it can do as much as the next Norwegian, but do we really want that last place of disconnectedness to be, all of a sudden very much online?

I for one, do not know the answer. So please, chime in friends.

- Captain Cellfish
Assistant to Prime Minister Thorbjørn Jagland

10 comments