Okay, so we’ve all heard the stories.

Britney dumping K-Fed by text message, Giuliani professing love for Mike Huckabee during the last debate via love text notes of less than 160 characters, Moses getting the 11th commandment by SMS. Yes, the text message is now officially, an entrenched part of our society. Like a holiday house guest that won’t leave, drinks all your scotch, pees on the toilet seat, sleeps naked on your couch, and makes love to your aunt (Max, if you’re reading this, it is really time for you to leave).

That being said, there are no official rules yet for this method of communication. There are plenty of letter writing rules, emailing regulations and phone manner do’s and don’ts, but really not too much out there about text messaging. It’s sort of like the wild west right now (minus the streets covered in filth, the burlesque dancers, and the lack of antibiotics). I’ve taken the cue from you, my reading public to continue my quest to illuminate all that is shadowed in the world of text messaging. Some may say I’m a loser (and by some, I mean all), but I will trudge on. Did HL Mencken stop when people said he’d never amount to anything?

So if you haven’t already please read my expose post on T9’s Text Message Censorship. It’s basically like Edward R Murrow, meets Rainbow Brite.

So without further… The top 6 things it is NOT okay to do Via Text message.

6. Fire Someone
Hear this… Even if your employee hasn’t been in in weeks, you’ve traced the buttock xeroxes to him, and the most work he’s put in this quarter is extensive picture tagging of strangers on Facebook, do not fire him by text message. It’s cruel, cowardly, and just plain wrong. If someone has to get the boot, at least show him the decency of actually placing a boot on his butt. Messages such as this, “Harold, IMAO we won’t be needing your services anymore, thanks for your time here at Uglyco. CYAL8R!” should never be written.

5. Coming Out Of The Closet
The thing about text messaging is that there is a huge margin of error built in to the system. Between the small size of the screen, the clumsy fingering, the reviewing that never happens, and the vagaries of predictive text software, your very important message could “come out” all wrong. Outing yourself is not something you want to mess up. You really only get one shot at it so make it count. Banners hanging out of your window, tattoos, soap box proclamations, marching bands, these are all better than a text message coming out notice.

4. Suicide Notes
Maybe if you are the type of person who would leave their suicide note by SMS, you should kill yourself. But for the rest of us, text messages are officially the least dramatic form of writing on this planet. They are right below musical greeting cards, nutritional information, and blogs. So for your own suicide, that most dramatic of moments, you would have to be a Colonel in the Whack Brigade to leave a note saying something like, “Life was 2 much of a burden for me. I luv u Phillip, TTFN.”

3. Medical Results
Yes, we all know that in today’s world people are always on the go, and you need your information at the speed of light’s sneezes, but getting medical test results from your doctor via text message will just never be a good thing. “U r Prgnt!” is just so bad in so many ways. Not mention the possibility of sending it to the wrong person. Let’s keep it to a nervous phone call, and a nurse who sounds like she hates you.

2. Wishing Your Mother a Happy Birthday
When you care enough to do the very least! Listen, E-cards ain’t so hot either, but at least there is a modicum of effort involved. If you’re looking to get yourself cut out of a will, then this is the way to go. It’s like tipping one penny. It’s nicer to forget to tip, than to leave one penny. One penny says you hated the service so much, that you had to make a point of it. Well, it’s the same with a text message birthday greeting to the woman who put you on this planet. And the chances are that she probably won’t even know how to open the message anyway, so call her up, will ya?

1. Break-Ups
I mean, just be a man or woman about it ,and have the courage to do it at least through a voice mail. We know how attractive the idea of not having to actually take part in the break-up interaction is, but it is that very desire to stay away, which makes it important for us to be involved. It is in those trying times that we get the knowledge of exactly how poorly we behave when we’re in situations we don’t like. And that knowledge is priceless.

So where does this leave us in regards to text messaging. Let’s say this, as a general statement. Texting ain’t so hot for anything serious. If you would deem your message as important, probably best to find an alternate mode of communication. A real life visit, a phone call, a carrier pigeon, all of these things would work better. But on the plus side there is no better way to tell your buddy that the girl he’s talking to is not attractive than the ole’ Text Message. So here’s to you, shining beacon of shallow talk. May our days be filled with abbreviations, and our nights with LOL’s!

Here’s a little video for your viewing pleasure.

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(ten bucks to anyone who can tell me what that symbol is)

-Captain Cellfish
Executive Vice President, Viral Marketing
AOL Instant Messenger