Okay, so that title may fall under the umbrella of, “If you needed to warn me about that, I shouldn’t be a parent” statements. But don’t let my stupid title fool you, iPhones actually contain more toxic chemicals than any other major brand of cellphone out there. (Check out Good Clean Tech’s article on the subject) So much so, that Greenpeace has decided the whales can wait, it’s Mr. Jobs (a.k.a. Colonel Earth Poison) they’re going after now.

Here are the facts as Techcrunch reported them:

“The iPhone contains toxic brominated compounds, (brominated flame retardants (BFRs)) and hazardous PVCs. Two of the “phthalate plasticisers” found at high levels in the iPhone headphone cable are classified in Europe as ‘toxic to reproduction, category 2′ and are banned from use in all toys or childcare articles sold in Europe.”

It also turns out that you can’t remove the battery to recycle it, and it looks like the Center for Environmental Health is getting ready to take legal action against Apple.

As a consumer, the phrase “toxic to reproduction” is not something I want associated with a product I put up against my face approximately 48 times a day. So tech hipsters beware. If you are quitting smoking and that oral fixation is nagging the crap out of you, do your best not to chew on your iPhone headphone cables. Your ovaries will applaud. (Applauding Ovaries is, by the way, the name of the Captain’s debut folk album, dropping this holiday season)

So here’s the thing. Apple does such a great job of being so sleek, and modern, and cool, and arty, and edgy, and friendly, and downright neat. They make their customers feel like they are in a non-exclusive club of blue jean wearing, clean-cut hippies, who are not ashamed to say that they still smoke a little pot when watching a good movie. It’s a club made up of the coolest college professors, the most talented graphic designers, and the all the fun people they hang out with. Yes, Apple is the new way, the calm, non-aggressive, liberal way. Feel the love. I myself, am a recent convert, and my new iMac was such a joy to unpack, that I could feel the hairs on my arms stand up as I opened the box. It was like a first date, that I knew would end with some heavy petting. Oooga! Electric!

I mean, come on, their product line is just so sweet.

Take my teenage brother as an example. He acts as if he’s been indoctrinated into some kind of cult when it comes to Mac. The kid’s got no less than 23 YouTube videos praising all things Mac and his Mac life. Check out his page here. My parents are considering an intervention. But this young lad’s story is not unique. For him and many others Mac is the new porn.

I have no problem with that. (The porn actors guild is pissed, but what can you do?) Leopard is just plain hot. So go ahead, enslave the youth, redefine technology. I’ll be cheering you on all the way. But here’s what I do have a problem with. A company that looks this good, acts this friendly, and has legions of young hipsters on their knees at the alter of Jobs, should not destroy the environment. They should save it.

I want so badly for apple to be the good guys. I want Justin Long to environmentally bitch slap the dorky PC guy into a conservationist 21st century. Out with the old, polluting ways, in with the new… Polluting ways?

Come on now Apple, be better than that. We know you mass produce your products in slave like sweat shop conditions. (We hate to overlook it, but we’re not given an alternative) We know you need flame retardants to keep these bad boys from blowing off people’s ears, but can’t you just use some slightly less toxic ones? Can’t we root for at least one company to lead the planet in a new direction? Crikey Apple, where the hell are the good guys? I thought for sure, you were them.

These iPhone batteries of yours are gonna be rotting away, un-recycled for centuries, spilling high powered lithium into the ground, creating a race of super newts that can play clarinet, write celebrity blogs, and work as telemarketers. Let me tell you, that will really suck.

Apple, I beg of you, please be better. Shave .0003 cents off your profit margin. Pay your factory workers a wage that will move them up a few tax brackets, from desperately impoverished, to totally destitute. Make your phones less toxic. Nokia, Motorola, and Ericsson, have all changed their manufacturing policies to make greener phones, why can’t you?…

Oh wait, I know why. You’re American.

That’s cool, I forgot. Don’t worry about it then.

You see, since this nation was founded, America has had a, “the best defense is an ass kicking offense” policy in effect (hey, it’s working for the New England Patriots), so why change for the environment? Well, it looks like we won’t, so this is how it’s gonna go down.

One day, very soon the environment is gonna really get pissed off, and wreak some, no-joke havoc on the world. That’s when President Obamillery Guiliromney will turn to the 24/7, FOX, streaming, oval office news-feed and say, “Mother Earth has F-d with the wrong planet!” Finally we’ll be able to do what we do best. Play a little, with-us-or-against-us offense. We’ll kick old mama nature’s ass so hard she’ll wish she’d never created us.

So here’s looking forward to that day. I’ll be gnawing on my iPhone cables, annihilating my sperm and praying for my OS Leopard, Time Machine feature to take me back to the 90’s.

I pose this question to you, my readers. What does Apple’s “i” stand for? iGnorant, iMpoverished, iNsane…

Please send me your suggestions. In the meantime I will be using the cellphone my parents gave me for my birthday.

Viva la Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Bronze Medalist, 2002 Seal Clubbing Championships