Beware!

Check your junk mail and check it carefully.

It has come to my attention that every piece of tree chopping, junk mail that gets sent to you may, in fact, be your one and only chance to spare yourself from an endless cavalcade of promotional text messages. So when I say check your mail, I mean check it with a fine tooth, magnifying glass, because now you need to opt-out to keep your cellphone, in-box free of promotional spam.

What in gawd’s name is ya talkin’ about Cap’n? Well my toothless bootleggers, I’ll tell you. Verizon is making a few “minor” changes to their CPNI (that stands for Customer Proprietary Network Information). A nice acronym, rolls off the tongue really. What is it? Well basically it is your phone number, your call history, your information, and other people’s right to use it for marketing purposes.

And here’s where it starts to smell (a nice, aged Gorgonzola type of smell). What Verizon has done is sent you a mailer that is a long legal looking document, that almost no one in their right mind is going to read (only 2nd year law students, and weirdos who collect newspapers and bits of string). (You can download the document at Moconews.) And here’s the rub. If you fail to find this legal needle in the junk mail haystack you will have, by default, agreed to it. So unless you actually open the letter, comprehend what the F it is talking about, call the 800 number, enter your cellphone number, your billing zip, the last four of your social, and then press nine (or was it two?), you will be IN. And when Verizon, the “IN” network says your in, boy are you in.

The cutest part of the whole thing is that the headline of the document is, “Your privacy is important to us.” Heck yeah it’s important, it’s an extremely important revenue stream is what it is. A veritable untapped pool of cash. And like any good American corporation, V is gonna tap it like sweet mama crude in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. Hell yeah! Screw the caribou! (I know I have)

So , if you don’t opt out within 30 days, it is very likely you’ll start getting text messages with offers you don’t even understand, and if you try to opt out of those you’ll probably just be signing up for others, soon your cellphone in-box will look like you clicked the “send me offers” box on every Viagra and refinance email you’ve ever gotten. It will be ugly. Something like this:

We wouldn’t stand for this type of behavior anywhere else would we? What if the Red Cross took blood from you simply because you didn’t tell them not to. Or if at Red Lobster you were served food before you ordered, merely because you didn’t tell them you wanted to choose for yourself. It’s like having unknown forces above you decide what you will read and when you will read it. It’s like… Holy crap! It’s like Communism. Wait a second… Did unabashed capitalism and dictatorial communism just share a saucy little tongue kiss on a dark country road? Yikes! This can’t be good.

Verizon really nailed it in their ad campaign. Thousands of employees constantly looking over your back and following you everywhere you go. Sounds about right to me. But this is not to pick on Verizon alone. I have heard rumors that AT&T is about to do the same thing. And Cellphone carriers are just the beginning. Here’s what it boils down to. Every single time you absentmindedly click one of those “I Accept” buttons you are placing a bet. You are betting that the company you have just agreed to everything with, has a good conscience. I personally have placed that bet with probably over a hundred companies at least. Now, knowing what I know about the world (which is surprisingly little), I would guess that I have gambled a few too many times.What’s the answer? Tough one. If those lengthy legal statements weren’t in place, we’d all start suing these companies for millions of dollars, just so we could buy our new flat screen and agree to those terms and conditions. And now that they are in place corporations can molest us, and our precious brain space at will. My solution… Impose a Bullshit Tax. 3% will do. This fund will literally be used to pay for the removal of all excess jargon, customer service wait times, frivolous lawsuits, unwanted promotional marketing material, identity theft, trans fats, non-alcoholic beer, mass produced dream catchers, and blogs about Britney.

BTW if you are a Verizon customer I highly recommend you call this number 800.333.9956 and opt out while you still can.

Take a look at some other solid articles written about this issue:

iHack Edge
Telecom Jungle Musings
Lockergnome
Mobile Freak
Embracing Chaos

Hey, just in case you thought I was getting too serious, take a look at this video about what’s going on here at Cellfish.

And by the way, the talented actor who is portraying me (very well I might add) is a paid actor (we gave him $12,000.00 and a foot massage for this role, what a bargain!). I can actually be found in the longer version of the spot on YouTube.com.

Viva la Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Former Exotic Dancer (aka Jazz Octane)