Well it has arrived, Blog Action Day. Over 15,000 bloggers all writing about the same, very important topic, all on one day. Yes, my friends, we are talking about the environment, ol’ mama nature, the humid lady herself, and what we have to say is not good. Between the 70 degree October here in NYC, the drought in California, the brand new raging rivers of Greenland, the all new Canadian wine industry, the Chinese smog, the burning plain states, the mass death of the bumble bees, and all the f-ing garbage, something has to be done.

Now we all know the top ten energy saving tips that are out there (get your florescent bulbs, don’t browse through your fridge, turn down your thermostat, unplug your chargers, etc.). That stuff is all well and good, and will most definitely help the cause, but frankly we need to do more. We need to change the way we think, reprogram the psyche, act more responsible. Will gov’t incentive programs work? Maybe. Will amazing global concerts spark a revolution? Possibly. Will 15,000 blogs do the trick? I sure hope so. But if you really want to know what will make the difference look no further than your mother.

We all know what gets us to act in the end. It’s not personal conviction, or thoughts of responsibility. It’s guilt. Good old fashioned thoughts of disappointing your parents. Hey, it’s worked for Jews and Catholics for a very long time now, so let’s make it work for the planet. So I, Captain Cellfish do hereby launch the, “Guilt the ever lovin’ crap out of them campaign for global change.”

We will start by listing the top five ways to guilt people into conservation.

1. If you ever see someone drop a piece of garbage, hand it back to them and say, “excuse me you dropped something.”

2. When you catch one of your friends being environmentally unconscious, rolls your eyes, sigh and simply say the line, “you disappoint me. I thought you were a better person than that.”

3. If your place of employment doesn’t recycle, go into your CEO’s office, point to the picture of his/her smiling children on the desk and say, “Too bad you’re destroying their future, anyway, how about those TPS reports.”

4. If you catch one of your neighbors, letting his car idle just to cool it down before he/she gets in, say, “I’ll tell the baby polar bear who’s mother you just murdered, that you just wanted to cool off the leather seats in your car before your pristine butt touched the upholstery.”

5. The next time someone tells you how beautiful this 65 degree weather is, even though it’s January, reply with, “Your idle, small talk is akin to global genocide.” Then spit on their shoes.

So that’s it. Through our guilt we will promote change. It’s a relatively simple idea, start the revolution through nagging.

And now here’s where the Captain goes mobile. You, my savvy sexy little readers… I want you all to hit the streets, and take Cell Phone pictures of people who need a good dose of enviro-guilt. Shoot cell phone shots of garbage dumped hither and thither, polluters in action, water being wasted, people having gasoline fights, etc. Then upload them to Cellfish where I will compile a massive list of all things environmentally guilty. I will then print them all out, and turn them into an evening gown that I will wear in front of the White House for no less than 20 days straight, or until the secret service removes. You wanted blog action? You got it.

No but seriously, shoot pictures on your cell phones of the bad guys and send them into Cellfish. We’ll get quite a catalogue going. It will be great. I will post them all on the blog, and we’ll see if we can’t make at least one person feel genuinely crappy about what they’ve done.

Viva la Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Former VP, Oil Exploration, Chevron