Well, here it is.

The Captain has discovered that T9 predictive text (the software that governs text messaging functions for almost all cellphones) has some major programming issues.

We’ve all had the experience of trying to type a text message and the phone doesn’t recognize a friend’s name. How could it? Why would it? (My cellphone does not know my friend Kenji, and I don’t blame it) Now, some of us have gone a step further and come to the realization that our cellphones don’t recognize slang words (wassup, homey, aiight, see ya, etc…). Even fewer of us know, that when it comes to cursing, our cellphones are just plain square. Which is odd, because the cellphone industry does everything it can to make us think our phones are the hippest things since retro tee-shirts (see Motorola Razr 2… A weapon?), yet for some reason the text messaging software remains downright Puritanical.

This got me thinking… Who decided exactly what words the T9 predictive text software would recognize, and which words it would remain ignorant of? Who decided what I can, and cannot text to my friends, family, and enemies? And while I know it is still possible to spell out the words letter by letter, it is a real pain in the ass. So, in effect, the cellphone industry, through the T9 software, has censored me (or at the very least made it nearly impossible for me to speak freely).

So I decided to I spend my morning testing the T9 system on my Verizon Samsung, and I am here to report some very interesting/frightening/ridiculous findings.

Here’s how my study worked. First I tried to type the desired word, then I cycled through the options, if it never arrived at my word I made a note of it. (In some cases, my phone wouldn’t even let me attempt to finish the word).

Study 1. Standard Name Calling

Notable findings:

1. The word “Chubi” really should be the new “Bitch” (my brother-in-law pointed this one out to me). This is how you would use it in a sentence, “Stop acting like such a Chubi and come drinking with me till we passout on some church steps, and embarrass our wives!”
2. “Whore” is not recognized but “hooker” and “prostitute” are. Is one better than the other? And what’s with the denial of Shakespearean synonyms?
3. Is “bastard” even a bad word? Some of my best friends are bastards. (Here’s where my puritanical complaints begin)

Study 2. Exclamations

Notable Findings:

1. I know religion is always a contentious issue, but am I not allowed to type “goddamn?” What would James Brown say?
2. The cellphone company knows that I am well over 18 so how come I can’t drop the occasional F-Bomb if the feeling strikes me?

Study 3. Bodily Functions

Notable Findings:

1. Since when is “crap” a bad word? (I think you can even say it on Nickelodeon)
2. They make “fart” just way too difficult to type. I need that word always at my finger tips.
3. How come I can text urinate and I can’t text defecate? (The only way to talk about #2 is by typing “poop”) (which ain’t so bad if you ask me).

Study 4. Body Parts (now here’s where it gets really interesting)

Notable Findings:

1. How come you can type “Vagina” and not “Penis?” These are both technical, medical terms, neither of which should be (or are) offensive to anyone. Maybe it’s just me, but there is something slightly sexist going on here. It feels a lot like how male nudity gets you a stronger film rating than female nudity.
(The, It’s-okay-to-see-a-little-Hoo-hah-as-long-as-you-don’t-see-any-Dong-dong principle)
2. If I was a feline, I would be insulted, outraged, and up in arms about the fact that if a friend wanted to call me a “pussy” they would only be able to call me a young dog. Cats of the world rise up and take to the streets!

So there it is… The definitive T9 predictive text, censorship study. What have we learned? Well, frankly, I’ve learned that I might have a bit too much time on my hands (don’t tell my employers). I have also learned that while some of this is kind of silly, (try texting “Man-gina” sometime and watch your phone freak-out) there are maybe just a few cultural issues here. I am not claiming that T9 or Nuance the company that just bought the software for $265 million has any real bias, but there are some things they might want to examine.

I, for one, am kind of sick of having corporations tell me what I can and cannot say. Now I know that you can add words to the phone’s dictionary, but that is a real pain in the assime (T9 - asshole). I say open up your dictionaries and let the public decide what they want to write. Make the under 18 dictionary a bit tamer, and then get rid of this Amish software you’ve forced on us! I ask you my wonderful blogging public to go forth and spread the word. Try these words out on your own phones. Then write and link back to me any inane, ridiculous, or just ducking (T9 F$@king) offensive glitches you find in their program. It’s time we tell those Chubies out there that we will not abide!Here are some other stories I found of people who have battled, and in one case won, the fight against predictive text.

Man’s phone prefers one sibling over the other
Digital Host’s Sanguine Penguin
Commuter Writes Book Using Cellphone

Viva la revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Runner-Up, 2nd Grade Spelling Bee

Hello!

The Captain has been given one hell of a challenge. Promote our free ringtone give-away.

Here are the details. It’s pretty damn simple, really.

We, Cellfish.com, are giving away all of our premium ring tones, for the grand, whopping price of zero dollars.

Should be a pretty simple thing to offer. Free ring tones from top artists. What’s the big problem?

Well, I’ll tell you. You see, everyone out there says they have “free ring tones.” There are like 867,340 web sites that offer free ring tones already, but the thing is, 867,339 of them are just trying to trick you into downloading a ring tone, before they nail you with a subscription charge, or some hidden fee, or some other sneaky, bait and switch crap. It’s bullshit frankly! (I cursed, yay for me!)

So it is my job, (and if I don’t start doing it better they’ll beat me again!) to let you, the web surfing public know, that our ring tones are really free.

Totally, completely, and utterly free.

As free as a free range chicken. As free as the polluted air we breathe. As free as fajita samples at Costco. As free as the odors in Chinatown!

So stop wasting your goddamn time reading my blog and go get some frikkin’ ring tones, because this is a limited time offer.

You see, we, the employees of Cellfish have revolted and switched the site’s money making features off. Management has been locked in a closet. It’s bedlam around here. Cats and dogs sleeping together, PC and Mac users making out in the copy room. You don’t believe me? Here’s a conversation I just overheard.

“Hey, Frank why the hell are you naked?”
“Cause everything’s f-ing free, Dolores! We’re sniffing glue in the kitchen! Come on!”
“Dude! Score!”
True story, just happened right behind me.

Yup, we done got all Vladimir Ilyich Lenin up in this mug! The Che tee-shirts are selling like hot cakes. So unless you are a revolution stifling, corporate, monarchic, capitalist, filthy, pig-dog, come to site and get your tones while the gettin’s good!

Watch this video if you still don’t get it.

(hint: I’m the guy with crappy hair!)
Gimme a break I just came from the gym, my hair usually doesn’t look that bad.

- Captain Cellfish
Private 1st class, 2nd Divison
People’s Open Democratic Equality Ringtone Liberation Front Army Movement
(PODERLFAM)

I know when to admit there are men far greater than I. That when, is right now.

Walt Mossberg, you sexy beast, you are my new hero (say goodbye Tony the Tiger, say hello WSJ’s tech reporter). Walt has gone and said what I done been thinking for a while now, and he has said it on the eve of CTIA, the mobile technology show in San Fran.

In Walt’s recent post Free My Phone he explains that the choke hold the major cellphone carriers in the United Sates have on the industry, is not only counter productive, but making us “The Laughing Stock” of the mobile world. I don’t like being the laughing stock of anything (the fourth through seventh grades were hard enough), more over the mobile tech world. You’d think with the barrage of nightly cellphone ads we see, that America, the free market capital of the world, would be on the cutting edge of mobile tech development, but that is far from the truth. Due to bullying lobbyists, government restrictions, and lingering ma bell mentalities, outside developers and start ups are not allowed any elbow room into the mobile marketplace. You should see where we work here at Cellfish. To call it a hovel would be downright flattery. (You ever seen reenactments of Viking slave ships, where the black masked, overlord whips the rowers simply because sails hadn’t been invented yet? Let me just say, that’s Monday through Friday here.) And I blame the carriers for my treatment. If they would free the cellways everyone would make more money (and the consumers would have better products!).

My main homie, Walt goers as far as to call the carriers “Soviet Ministries.” And that piqued my interest because in my last post, What Smells? It’s the the network I discovered that wild, out of control, capitalism and communism share a few things in common (other than their zodiac signs, their love of para-sailing and long walks on the beach of course). You see what happens is, (and this is gonna get slightly political, so you might want to put the kids to bed) when corporate greed is left unchecked, these companies tend to take on the attributes of insane dictators. Corporations have only one set of morals, and that is… The bottom line. Corporations hate the free market. Sure it’s what allowed them get started, but lemme tell you, Mao, Idi Amin, and the Ayatollah didn’t continue to embrace revolutions simply cause that’s where they got their first big break. No, it is just the opposite. Once you are allowed to get on top, staying there becomes your primary goal. And to stay there, you must CRUSH (slam fist on desk here!) the opposition.

And that is just what the major us carriers have done. They have made it almost impossible to create new products, new technology, or new software. They are stifling creativity, and making you bend to their wills if you want to do anything new or different. Sound familiar? “Paging Dr. Stalin, you’re needed in silicon valley, stat!”

So Walt, do not stop this battle cry, it is not only important to us here at Cellfish.com, but it is important to the American public. Because if our cellphones ain’t free, then we’ ain’t free. (Okay, that’s a stretch, but sometimes a little bumper sticker slogan is a good thing)

There’s been a lot of very interesting coverage on the this story in the recent days, here are a few articles I found on the subject.

Engadegt Mobile - Love the picture guys.

(BTW that’s me, the handsome lad with his hand on Mr. Mossberg’s tushy)

Piece of Mind - (A great post as well)
Atmaspheric Endeavors - (A very nicely written account as well)
CTIA - (The other side of the coin. A lot of valid points to be found here)
SolSie.com (I good break down of both sides)

- Captain Cellfish
Poster Boy for hire

Beware!

Check your junk mail and check it carefully.

It has come to my attention that every piece of tree chopping, junk mail that gets sent to you may, in fact, be your one and only chance to spare yourself from an endless cavalcade of promotional text messages. So when I say check your mail, I mean check it with a fine tooth, magnifying glass, because now you need to opt-out to keep your cellphone, in-box free of promotional spam.

What in gawd’s name is ya talkin’ about Cap’n? Well my toothless bootleggers, I’ll tell you. Verizon is making a few “minor” changes to their CPNI (that stands for Customer Proprietary Network Information). A nice acronym, rolls off the tongue really. What is it? Well basically it is your phone number, your call history, your information, and other people’s right to use it for marketing purposes.

And here’s where it starts to smell (a nice, aged Gorgonzola type of smell). What Verizon has done is sent you a mailer that is a long legal looking document, that almost no one in their right mind is going to read (only 2nd year law students, and weirdos who collect newspapers and bits of string). (You can download the document at Moconews.) And here’s the rub. If you fail to find this legal needle in the junk mail haystack you will have, by default, agreed to it. So unless you actually open the letter, comprehend what the F it is talking about, call the 800 number, enter your cellphone number, your billing zip, the last four of your social, and then press nine (or was it two?), you will be IN. And when Verizon, the “IN” network says your in, boy are you in.

The cutest part of the whole thing is that the headline of the document is, “Your privacy is important to us.” Heck yeah it’s important, it’s an extremely important revenue stream is what it is. A veritable untapped pool of cash. And like any good American corporation, V is gonna tap it like sweet mama crude in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. Hell yeah! Screw the caribou! (I know I have)

So , if you don’t opt out within 30 days, it is very likely you’ll start getting text messages with offers you don’t even understand, and if you try to opt out of those you’ll probably just be signing up for others, soon your cellphone in-box will look like you clicked the “send me offers” box on every Viagra and refinance email you’ve ever gotten. It will be ugly. Something like this:

We wouldn’t stand for this type of behavior anywhere else would we? What if the Red Cross took blood from you simply because you didn’t tell them not to. Or if at Red Lobster you were served food before you ordered, merely because you didn’t tell them you wanted to choose for yourself. It’s like having unknown forces above you decide what you will read and when you will read it. It’s like… Holy crap! It’s like Communism. Wait a second… Did unabashed capitalism and dictatorial communism just share a saucy little tongue kiss on a dark country road? Yikes! This can’t be good.

Verizon really nailed it in their ad campaign. Thousands of employees constantly looking over your back and following you everywhere you go. Sounds about right to me. But this is not to pick on Verizon alone. I have heard rumors that AT&T is about to do the same thing. And Cellphone carriers are just the beginning. Here’s what it boils down to. Every single time you absentmindedly click one of those “I Accept” buttons you are placing a bet. You are betting that the company you have just agreed to everything with, has a good conscience. I personally have placed that bet with probably over a hundred companies at least. Now, knowing what I know about the world (which is surprisingly little), I would guess that I have gambled a few too many times.What’s the answer? Tough one. If those lengthy legal statements weren’t in place, we’d all start suing these companies for millions of dollars, just so we could buy our new flat screen and agree to those terms and conditions. And now that they are in place corporations can molest us, and our precious brain space at will. My solution… Impose a Bullshit Tax. 3% will do. This fund will literally be used to pay for the removal of all excess jargon, customer service wait times, frivolous lawsuits, unwanted promotional marketing material, identity theft, trans fats, non-alcoholic beer, mass produced dream catchers, and blogs about Britney.

BTW if you are a Verizon customer I highly recommend you call this number 800.333.9956 and opt out while you still can.

Take a look at some other solid articles written about this issue:

iHack Edge
Telecom Jungle Musings
Lockergnome
Mobile Freak
Embracing Chaos

Hey, just in case you thought I was getting too serious, take a look at this video about what’s going on here at Cellfish.

And by the way, the talented actor who is portraying me (very well I might add) is a paid actor (we gave him $12,000.00 and a foot massage for this role, what a bargain!). I can actually be found in the longer version of the spot on YouTube.com.

Viva la Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Former Exotic Dancer (aka Jazz Octane)

Hello world,

I write to you today as a new man. Why? Because our little Cellfish.com is growing up. It’s been redesigned and relaunched. We have a brand, spanking new look, a cleaner feel, and a whole lot of amazing new features that we made just for you, our beloved users.

You were all very vocal about what you’d like us to do to improve the site, and we listened to each and everyone of of you. Who says you can’t please all the people all the time? Abe Lincoln? Who the heck is he?

Anyway, let’s get down to brass tax. You want to know what changed, and I want to tell you.

Here’s what we did.

1. Focus on Action

Cellfish.com is now all about letting you easily use our tools to get the most out of your mobile life. The new tabs across the top of our home page are clear, and I might add, very fun to push.

Ahhh, ain’t she purdy!

2. No more premium content
It was so confusing before… What you had to pay for vs. what was free. The whole credit thing was totally wacky. Now it’s simple. If it’s on our site you can have it for the whopping charge of $0.00. It’s all free. (this might take us a day or two to get all ironed out, so don’t freak if you see something about credits)

3. Your locker has been reorganized

Now your locker is all about your stuff. It’s easy to access, easy to sort, and most importantly easy to get on your phone. Take a look, then go and give it a whirl.

So, those are the main changes, but don’t take my word for it, check it out yourself. Take a gander at the new Cellfish.com. It looks different, it feels different, but really it’s just a sexier version of what it used to be (sort of like what I would be if I would go to the gym more often).  So what are you waiting for.  Go and start downloading the free ringtones and don’t forget to tell all of your friends about us.  Because every time you tell a friend an angel gets his wings.

Now don’t worry, all of the content that you have uploaded is still there. Nothing is lost. I repeat, NOTHING IS LOST! Your username is still in tact, and all of your media and content is just chillin’ in your locker waiting for you to come back.

One difference you might notice is that members are no longer displayed on the homepage. Don’t panic. The members are all still there, we just decided not to confuse people and let them access each other through their content.

Basically, the new Cellfish.com is like moving into a new home. It might take a day or two to figure out where all the light switches are, but once you do, you’ll see this place is pretty sweet. So if something is confusing to you, just click around a bit, get the feel for it, and if you still have problems please, please, please (with sugar on top) send us an email. We really do love hearing from you, and helping you. Send it to support@cellfish.com

Enjoy,

- Captain Cellfish
Amateur Spelunker

Well it has arrived, Blog Action Day. Over 15,000 bloggers all writing about the same, very important topic, all on one day. Yes, my friends, we are talking about the environment, ol’ mama nature, the humid lady herself, and what we have to say is not good. Between the 70 degree October here in NYC, the drought in California, the brand new raging rivers of Greenland, the all new Canadian wine industry, the Chinese smog, the burning plain states, the mass death of the bumble bees, and all the f-ing garbage, something has to be done.

Now we all know the top ten energy saving tips that are out there (get your florescent bulbs, don’t browse through your fridge, turn down your thermostat, unplug your chargers, etc.). That stuff is all well and good, and will most definitely help the cause, but frankly we need to do more. We need to change the way we think, reprogram the psyche, act more responsible. Will gov’t incentive programs work? Maybe. Will amazing global concerts spark a revolution? Possibly. Will 15,000 blogs do the trick? I sure hope so. But if you really want to know what will make the difference look no further than your mother.

We all know what gets us to act in the end. It’s not personal conviction, or thoughts of responsibility. It’s guilt. Good old fashioned thoughts of disappointing your parents. Hey, it’s worked for Jews and Catholics for a very long time now, so let’s make it work for the planet. So I, Captain Cellfish do hereby launch the, “Guilt the ever lovin’ crap out of them campaign for global change.”

We will start by listing the top five ways to guilt people into conservation.

1. If you ever see someone drop a piece of garbage, hand it back to them and say, “excuse me you dropped something.”

2. When you catch one of your friends being environmentally unconscious, rolls your eyes, sigh and simply say the line, “you disappoint me. I thought you were a better person than that.”

3. If your place of employment doesn’t recycle, go into your CEO’s office, point to the picture of his/her smiling children on the desk and say, “Too bad you’re destroying their future, anyway, how about those TPS reports.”

4. If you catch one of your neighbors, letting his car idle just to cool it down before he/she gets in, say, “I’ll tell the baby polar bear who’s mother you just murdered, that you just wanted to cool off the leather seats in your car before your pristine butt touched the upholstery.”

5. The next time someone tells you how beautiful this 65 degree weather is, even though it’s January, reply with, “Your idle, small talk is akin to global genocide.” Then spit on their shoes.

So that’s it. Through our guilt we will promote change. It’s a relatively simple idea, start the revolution through nagging.

And now here’s where the Captain goes mobile. You, my savvy sexy little readers… I want you all to hit the streets, and take Cell Phone pictures of people who need a good dose of enviro-guilt. Shoot cell phone shots of garbage dumped hither and thither, polluters in action, water being wasted, people having gasoline fights, etc. Then upload them to Cellfish where I will compile a massive list of all things environmentally guilty. I will then print them all out, and turn them into an evening gown that I will wear in front of the White House for no less than 20 days straight, or until the secret service removes. You wanted blog action? You got it.

No but seriously, shoot pictures on your cell phones of the bad guys and send them into Cellfish. We’ll get quite a catalogue going. It will be great. I will post them all on the blog, and we’ll see if we can’t make at least one person feel genuinely crappy about what they’ve done.

Viva la Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
Former VP, Oil Exploration, Chevron

Wow, say that one five times fast!

Well friends, another mobile social network has been eaten by Google. Yummy!

You know how Google puts out those cool holiday themed Google home pages? (The ones with the fireworks for the 4th, or the pregnant woman for labor day) They should make a new one where the “G” is a giant mouth eating the littles “o’s”. They could put it up every time they buy another mobile company…  Oh wait, that would be every day.

Yesterday Google bought Finnish, mobile, micro-blogging site Jaiku.com.  This is now their 16th (I think) mobile acquisition this year, and their 2nd within two weeks. (See the amazing post, Google buys Zingku: Mobile Social Networking arrives! ) Don’t quote me on this, but I think Google might just be up to something mobile. I’m not sure, but my spider sense is telling me I may be working in the right field.

Yes, Google obviously knows what we here at Cellfish have known for a while. Just like Thursday is the new Friday, and Bisexual is the new Native American, Cellphones are most definitely the new Internet. Google will not allow itself to do what the record companies did. Google is not about to let technology pass it by. They’ll see your industry predictions and raise you a trend creation. Yes, they not only know what is next, they are going to create what is next, and we here at Cellfish.com thank them from the bottom of our mobile hearts… I’ll tell you, if I could make love to any company out there (without angering my wife) it would most definitely be Google. They’re just so dang sexy.

I would also like to thank Google for making another ridiculously named company disappear. Zingku is gone… Now Jaiku, all they have left to do is buy Flibbertu, Moogumbu, Nippleter, Crinklebonk, and Blibbit, then the world will be spared having to type these inane, meaningless words into their browsers.

Wait a second… Now here’s an idea (my second one this week). As soon as I’m done writing this post I have to call my wife. You see, we’ve been trying to figure out a way for our seven-month-old daughter to start earning some cash (my Cellfish salary of loose change, and left over Cobb salad isn’t quite cutting it). Here’s the idea. My daughter is going to be VP of Strategic Planning for my new Internet Development firm. She’ll name your web site for no less than $75,000.00. She’s just getting warmed up these days with company names like, Gabu.com, Mahwaa.com, and Glurburt.org. All you’ll need to do is buy the domain, then wait two years and Google will purchase you. It’s guaranteed.

No but seriously. Mobile social networking is the next thing, and while the giant internet corporations get their armies ready for battle we here at Cellfish.com urge you all to come and check out what all the fuss is about. Because we do everything those giants are going to do, but we do it NOW!

Anyway, if you’re fed up with my satirical take on this situation, or you just want to find out what Microblogging, or Jaiku is, just read some of these posts, I found them highly informative.

Read/Write/Web

Venture Beat

Network World

Search Engine Land

Josh Kim.org

- Captain Cellfish

VP Marketing, Wumpluv.com

Oh Boy!

Mobile social networking has finally hit the big time, and we here at Cellfish couldn’t be happier. Validation! Vindication! Vacation!

Yes, this weekend Google purchased a mobile social networking site called Zingku. This just happened. It’s hot off the presses, and it’s getting a lot of attention. As it should. Mobile social networking is gonna be huge. Check out some of what’s being written about the purchase:

Local Mobile Search
TechCrunch
Google Operating System
Cellular News
Profy
Reve News
Sinlung News

Hmmm. Zingku… Sounds like the name of the bad guy in a 70’s kung-fu flick. You know the one. The evil warlord who murders the hard working, soy farmer who was only trying feed his family. Imagine if you will, a badly dubbed, twenty-something Chinese actor saying the following lines with tear-streaked cheeks. “[sniffle] Zingku has gone too far. He murdered my father, purloined our Yak, and pillaged my dear sweet sister. [sob] I’ll get you Zingku, or I will die trying!”

Seriously though, what is this Zingku? And why did Google buy it? Well, from what everyone can tell they are a mobile social networking web site that does some pretty neat things. They allow you to share your phone’s pictures with friends, save your phone’s pictures online, and subscribe to RSS feeds right on your cellphone. Wow! That’s cool. Does anyone else do that? Wait, hold on, I’m remembering something here… Hold please… Your call is important to us… Please continue to hold…. Your call may be monitored to insure quality- CELLFISH!

That’s right, we do the exact same thing as Zingku, with one major difference… Our site is up and running. It’s totally free, and ready for use. Here’s what you get when you try and sign up at Zingku…

So if you wanna get a sneek peak at how Mobile social networking works, you can do it all very easily right here at Cellfish.com. Not only do we provide all the the same services as Zingku, but you can also get any YouTube video right on your phone. We have built a very powerful set of mobile tools, and are getting ready to launch a sexy, newly re-designed site. So come one, come all, and try mobile social networking for yourselves. It’s Grrreat! Check us out, set up a free account, and get busy.

We are also constantly on the mission to improve our site, so feel free to comment about us on this blog, or send us notes telling us what we can do better. And of course we always treat your privacy as a life or death matter. In fact, I had to sign a contract when I started working here that said, “if you [employee] share any member’s phone number with anyone, you will have to spend no less than three (3) moons locked in the dungeon of the evil warlord, Zingku being tortured by his wily henchman, Phonezoo.”

- Captain Cellfish
VP Smell Testing Operations, Frito Lay