Captain Cellfish is not a hippy. Captain Cellfish does however enjoy peace, but he does not write it on his forehead. He doesn’t really write anything on his forehead at all. (Except for when Captain Cellfish gets blackout drunk at company parties and passes out in the coat check room and other Cellfishers write things on his forehead, but that is besides the point) Captain Cellfish enjoys a certain level of violence from time to time. He is not opposed to a good action sequence. But something has gone terribly wrong. Something must be done.

With the release of the new Motorola Razr 2 a trend is emerging. Cellphone companies seem to want us to use our phones to slice each other up, like wandering samurai in the 18th century ,Japanese countryside. Here’s the problem. You can’t sharpen your phone, nor can you stab someone with it. And any commercial that says you can is lying. Why, just last week as I was getting off the subway in Brooklyn and I tried to slash a sexy brunette with my cellphone. Unfortunately her clothes did not peel off, but she did spray my face, eyes, mouth and head area with pepper spray.

I considered suing Motorola for false advertising, but our society is litigious enough as is. But these people really should be ashamed for making such a stupid ad.

Okay so if you will bare with me I’d like to de-construct this incredible piece of Ad dollars hard at work.

1. Cellphones don’t ever work in subways, so this guy must be on mescaline and hallucinating his butt off.
2. Any two people that wear that much black either work at an art gallery, or are on their way to audition for The Matrix (the musical). Neither of those two categories of people are qualified for a knife fight (more over a cellphone blade fight).
3. Lady is obviously on her way to said Matrix audition because of the blatant Matrix rip-off, kung-fu “come hither” move, which I might add wasn’t even really that fresh in the movie.
4. The idea that the Motorola Razr2, if used correctly, will get models to strip off their clothes insults my (very limited) intelligence.
5. When dude’s sleeves get cut off I can’t help but think that is a shout out to the “Beat It” video, and frankly, I would much rather be watching those professional toothpick chewers dancing out their aggression in their musty warehouse.
6. The fact that home boy takes a snap shot of the femme fatal as he dips her is just ludicrous. What kind of a fight is this? What reality are we in? Oh yeah, we’re in cellphone, battle land where models do a slice and dice tango to illuminate exactly how fresh this phone is. What’s going on? Someone help me out here.
7. I guess the guy wins, but only because he gets the ability to finally prove exactly how sharp this phone is by chucking it at a wall.I’ll tell you what I would like to chuck at a wall. The numb-skulls who made this ad.

The Samsung Blade, the Sanyo Katana, the sidekick. The Nokia Glock. The Radio Shack Slingshot. The LG WMD. I think these companies are trying to tell us something. Soon you’re gonna see NRA bumper stickers saying, “Cellphones don’t kill… People do.” & “My Treo is protected under the constitution!” But, my friends Cellphones are not weapons. They are phones. So let’s all just get along and use our phones as forces of good.

This is more like it.

- Captain Cellfish
Kent State Protester
(I got gravel in my eye, missed most of the shooting)