This post you are reading right now is mainly to heap praise and gratitude on one of the internet’s finest blog personalities. The man of whom I am referring is named Alan Henry. A nice name. A kind name. Sort of a down home, straight talk, cook you a good burger kind of name. (sorry Alan if you are a vegetarian, and you don’t live in a home). I’ve never met the guy, but if I did I’d buy him a drink or seven.

Why am I heaping all this praise on this one man?

Well, Alan dearest wrote one heck of a review of Cellfish on appscout.com. The man gets it. And when you get it, you get it, and boy did he get it. He got it so well that I’d go as far as to say, “homey done gots it.”

Check out what he said here

Anyway, keep those good reviews coming. We do love our fans.

- Captain Cellfish
Dishonorably Discharged from the Salvation Army 12/25/05

My dear public,

I apologize for my recent disappearance. Last week I was kidnapped by a crew of furious, out of work, land-line, telephone technicians. These guys, grabed me while I was shopping in Star Magic, about to purchase some nice geodes, threw me in the back of their van and grilled me for answers to their idiotic questions.

Let me say this. Cellfish is not popular with ma bell. We have taken the great leap into the unknown future. We have made your cellphone the window to a brave new world. Your land line is a dinosaur, and we are the massive asteroid coming to make it extinct. Better call Bruce Willis and Steve Buscemi and have them try and stop us.

You think I’m being too dramatic? You try spending four days duct taped in the back of a Verizon van with three sweaty, hairy guys, who all seem to be named Carl, grilling you about the power of your platform.

Let’s just say it makes a believer out of anyone. So yes, I am proud of our platform. It does so very much, so very well. If you have any questions about what Cellfish does (I’m talking to you, Carl#2) please check out our “How-To” videos.

And what’s new with us?

Well I’ll tell you. In the coming months you are going to start to see our widgets popping up like acne on the horny, adolescent face of the web.

Also, stay glued to your Cellfish Videos page for our “Ask the Pros” series which will be premiering within the next few weeks. So get your video questions ready to share with our esteemed crew of top-notch pros.

And if you want to see one of the oddest vintage commercials ever, go watch this.

Captain Cellfish
Amateur Mindsticker & knitting enthusiast

Just a quick note to brag about our mention in today’s Wall Street Journal.

If you could see me, I have been walking around all day making the universal , “nah-nah-ne-boo-boo” symbol. My thumb is on my nose, my four fingers are waving, and my tongue is sticking out.

Most of my co-workers think I am an idiot, but I am merely brimming with company pride.

We sure have come a long way, baby.

Three months ago we were just 6 employees being flogged hourly in the salt mines of Uruguay.
(Very slow internet connection down there and only like one bar of cellphone service) It goes without saying that we didn’t have dental benefits. But now… The WSJ. Yessiree!

Folks, our past was a tragic tale, but our future is bright… Like my new teeth. (lost the old ones to malnutrition)

- Captain Cellfish
Poet Laureate, 1968-1972

Dear friends,

I write this post to let you know that we at Cellfish believe in the wide spectrum that is art. We got your high brow art, your low brow art, and your mono-brow art. Come and see for yourself.

The High-Brow
Fusion Art - Gallery Exhibit

Following the success of the Fusion Art collective blog project, the paintings created during this workshop will be exhibited at the Betty K Mix Studio starting July, 17th.

The artists involved in this live painting project, documented their creation process with camera phones and uploaded the pictures live on Cellfish.com. A slide show of these pictures will be shown in the gallery. If you are in NYC do stop by and take a look.
FIAF Gallery - 22 East 60th st.

The Low-Brow
Cellfish proudly announces the release of the world premier episode of the much anticipated, Sexy Kittens.

An in depth look at the juxtaposition of consequentialist idiomology and subjective realism in a post modern, materialst…

Oh who am I kidding?
Sexy Kittens is 4 hot, hilarious, scantily clad, babes pranking the heck out of unknowing New Yorkers.

Here’s what the critics are saying:
“I give it 5 cookies”… Cookie Monster
“Better than sex”… Condeleeza Rice
“Can I have a side of hash browns with that?”… Murry “the plumber” Pinello
“I thought I got a restraining order against you!”… Dame Judi Dench

The Mono-Brow
Cellfish brings you a twisted tale of murder, deceit, sex, fingers and of course, passion. Check out the 1st installment of Passion Heights to witness, first hand the drama, the comedy, the dramedy, and the comma.

And the coolest part of all of this is that you can get it all on your cellphone instantly. So check out the episodes, download them and play them for all your amigos.

- Captain Cellfish
Proud father of 23 illegitimate children

Yes friends, in this topsy-turvy era of mobile insanity, Cellfish is here to be your rock. We love all of our users. We welcome you all with open arms. We want to hear what you think of our site. Like a customer oriented floosy, we want you to use us and then give us your feedback.

It has come to our attention that there is a mobile company out there, who is terminating paying customers simply because they complain too much… That is not nice. Not nice at all.

There was a great piece written about it on Open Gardens.

Do we turn any people away? No, not us.

Give us your whiney users, your tired, your poor, your huddled ludite techno-phobes, your schitzophrenic toddlers, your steroid abusing cyclists, your agnostic zealots…

You get the point. We want you all.

Come to Cellfish where our site’s pages are paved with milk n’ honey. And if you have any complaints we will immediately forward you to our new and improved User Solution Center, where Ralph our customer service muskrat, will do everything within his power to solve any and all of your problems.

Unfortunately Ralph, is in fact, a river rodent, who does not have the power of language, or opposable thumbs, and is generally pretty pissy before noon. But do not fret. Cellfish.com cares.

So as the great Steve Perry once sang….

So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with open arms
Hoping you’ll see, what your love means to me
(dramatic rock anthem pause inserted here)

…Open arms

- Captain Cellfish

Inventor of the Cheese Doodle

Well we have gone and done it. We have launched the 1st ever, mobile generated collective artwork.

What’s that you ask? I’ll explain.

Artists Olivier di Pizio and Gonzalo Belmonte are going to be documenting their group’s creative process live right on Cellfish.com. You can see stills of the paintings as they take life, watch videos, and really get to know each individual artist. It’s really pretty cool.

Check out the Fusion Art Project and let us know what you think.

This is some cutting edge stuff people. Incredible art, updated moment by moment as the pieces are created. Grab a front row seat and witness great art being born.

It’s better than witnessing babies being born. That can be a little gross… Unless you are the parent, then it’s magical. So if I had to sum up this project I’d say it was like watching the “un-gross” birth of your very own baby… Except the baby is made out of canvas, is covered in acrylic and oil, and will probably hang out in Soho, drink vermouth, read Camus, and smoke a pipe.

Maybe my metaphor should have been kept to myself….

Nope this is the internet. Say it all, and write it poorly! That’s my motto.

Anyway, it is exciting around here, so keep checking in.

Ciao,

- Captain Cellfish

Bronze Medalist - Hammer Throw

1983 Goodwill Games

Oh yeah, it’s on now.

Cellfish is proud to announce the opening of our Canadian office.

[insert booming fireworks sound effects here]

The Montreal office will be handling R&D and the maintenance of the Cellfish platform and we are overjoyed to have them aboard. With an office already open in France and the flagship here in New York we are truly equipped and prepared for total global domination with our almost complete weather manipulation machine…

Oh wait, they’re telling me our goals have changed. Now we just want new users to open lockers, learn about all the awesome tools we have, and enjoy our service.

Boring!

Also, we will be releasing our 1st three original series by month’s end so make sure to check them out.
Passion Heights - The Bold and the Beautiful meets 90210 meets 5 cent rubber finger puppets. (it is a sight to behold)

Sexy Kittens - Bikini clad girls prank the fine citizens of the city of New York

Cellfish Self-Help - You ask the questions and our odd ball collection of gurus provide the answers

So it is a busy season here and it’s just getting started.

- Captain Cellfish

Ex-President, Luxembourg