We here at Cellfish.com have been working on a great little piece of code for our site, and it is finally ready.

I present you with the Ring Tone Maker! Really quite a simple thing, a tool if you will, but much like the hammer, this simple tool can build cities. Yes, I have just compared the Cellfish.com ring tone maker to the invention of the hammer. Ever since that first cro-magnon smashed something with something else the human race has striven to rule their environment through the use of tools. Now, my dear Cellfishers, your mobile phones have truly become yours.

Any mp3 that you have on your computer you can now turn into your very own ring tone. All you have to do is go to the Ring Tone Maker and use the slide tool to pick which section of the track you would like as your ring tone. That’s it.

Check the shizzy right hizzy!

Yes people, if I had a hammer I would hammer in the morning! Really, it is actually pretty damn hype.

Go ahead take it for a test drive, just don’t pee on the upholstery. If you like what you see tell your friends. Why? Cause things like this need to be given to the masses. Everyone is paying through the nose for ring tones still, and we think that is just so very wrong. So tell one tell all. Bring your pals, bring your parents, bring your cats and hamsters, bring that pervert in the alley. Make your ring tones on a train. Make your ring tones in the rain. Make your ring tone with a mouse, make your ring tones on a house.

Heck make a ring tone of Jesse Jackson reading Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live.

Thank you for that Reverend Jackson.

So what have we learned class? We have learned that it’s your damn music after all, why not be able to use it on your phone? Seems pretty logical to me. We’d make a doorbell version of the Ring Tone Maker if you’d let us into your house, but our legal dept. says we had to stop breaking and entering. (I hate this litigious society we live in, I really do). And we know that some ring tone sellers might be a bit peeved abotu us making the world of profiteering on ring tones obsolete, but sadly, we don’t give a rat’s spleen how they feel. We here at Cellfish say, Free the ring tones! Yep, that’s our battle cry.

I admit, it’s a pretty whack battle cry and we’re not exactly sure who we’re fighting, but fight on we will. And to top it off we’re fighting for you! Why just yesterday our VP of ass kicking took a piece of cellphone shrapnel in his ass. He was a good guy, had kids. Now he’ll never sit in an acquisition meeting again. But does he have regrets? No! We want you to have your free ring tones! It’s crazy out there in the ring tone trenches, but we here at Cellfish don’t know the meaning of quit. (or the meaning of quilt, for that matter)

So as my, delusional grandfather used to mutter to himself, “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our Cellfish dead!”

- Captain Cellfish
Under Study for Falstaff

Yes. It was time… It had to happen.

Just as moses needed to deliver those commandments to calm the unruly mob… Just as Martha Stewart had to let the world know how to set a Thanksgiving table… Just as Jesus needed to deliver the sermon on the mount to say wassup to his peeps… And just as Tom Cruise needed to educate Matt Lauer on the subject of mental illness… I, Captain Cellfish have been summoned by a greater power to deliver my knowledge to the world.

Let me begin by saying, I love the iPhone. It is very sexy. Sexy like a hot librarian. Smart, sleek, accessible, tantalizing, organized and powerful. Do you get the feeling that I want an iPhone? (see previous sentence)

Now some may say that this post is blatant iPhone envy. Others may claim I am a hater, pure and simple. Well correct me if I’m wrong, but I think Jesus, Moses, Martha and Tom have all been accused of being haterz at one time or another. So I’m gonna fit right in line.

So without further ado…

The Official iPhone Etiquette Guide.

1. Sir, your fly is unzipped!

You wouldn’t intentionally walk into an office, a restaurant, or a party with your fly unzipped and your Johnsonian hanging out would you? (depends on the party, I guess) But you see the point here. Please don’t whip out your phone before making your entrance. If you need a phone to help you make an entrance, you need a lot more help than any phone can give you. Okay, if you have legitimate business on the phone I understand. Say, for instance, if someone is calling you. But yanking it out of your pants merely to make sure your pristine touch screen is still functional, is a major no-no.

2. You will get duck sauced!

When at a restaurant, do not place your iPhone on the table for all to see. That move is basically like being so burdened by your cash-stuffed wallet, that you simply must get it out of your pocket and onto the table before your sciatica acts up. I personally guarantee that if I see another iPhone sitting on a restaurant table I will do one of three things.

1) I’ll just take it (I am a Brooklyn boy at heart).

2) I will loudly say, “Oh my god! Is that an iPhone? How do you like it? That’s so freaking cool that you have one. I am really envious!” (BTW I know that’s what you want me to think, and the truth is, it is very close to what I am actually thinking, but we both know you do NOT want me to say it out (very) loud.)

3) I will dump duck sauce on it. Even if we’re not in a Chinese restaurant, I’ll go find some god damn duck sauce, and squeeze it out on your phone. Then that “slide to unlock” feature will be pretty sticky.

3. Hey rabbit ears, find a router!
We all know that sometimes your iPhone load times can be a real drag. We know that you are partially a slave to the world of wi-fi. Yes sometimes it’s hard to choose between Starbucks network, NetGear, The Donkey Palace, and Smoochies Rubber Goods, but when you’re standing there holding your iPhone to the sky like you were Thor the Norse God of Thunder, you look pretty whack. I mean, if every time all you iPhoners did it Steve Jobs, and Justin Long (mac boy) were able to send a bolt of Apple Lightning to you giving you that T3 connection you crave, that would be cool. But until that day, all this Thundercats behavior must cease and desist.

4. Thanks, I’m all good on the cheek cheese for now.
Okay, so you have a very impressive collection of J Coug Mellancamp albums on your phone, those pictures of your sister’s puppy pooping out tinsel are incredible, and the YouTube video of those guys spoofing that Gap ad is just too amazing to wait to see at home. And yes, I do want to see it all. Ah but here’s the rub. That touch screen has been fused to your cheek for the last three months, and based on your minutes, you’re using it for like 900 peak and god knows how much off peak. Now sadly, I have to use my finger to scroll through all the great stuff you want to show me.

Your screen is greasy, and now my finger smells like your face. So like Woodsy’s niece, Hooter used to say, “Don’t snipe, give your iPhone a wipe”

5. iXnay on the iSmall talk
I will go as far as to say that talking about the weather is at least 10 times more productive than discussing your iPhone. Especially these days. The weather’s a freakin thrill ride. Soon, talking about the weather will be like describing a police chase you saw last night. “Did you see the flood waters when they hit the power plant? Holy dip, that shit was crazy!” Global warming has re-defined our small talk. Your cellphone, on the other hand, has not.

With all the important issues that are going on in the world (all the the fine reality TV, all the fantastic post holiday sales, all the sports steroids, and Britney death watches) there is so much more to do around the water cooler than chat about your iPhone. If you want to discuss the features of your mobile device, feel free to do it all night long at home. Hey, that’s why it’s a phone, just keep it behind closed doors, people.

Well, that’s it for now. While I know there are many other topics to be discussed, I’m afraid these may mostly fall under general cell phone etiquette, which is a much longer list. (one that I am dutifully compiling, along with famous IM typos, and instances of email tone inference destroying relationships) So, please all you fine readers out there, if you have any other iFauxne pho-pas that you have seen members of our society commit, please forward them on to me and I will gladly amend this list.

Until next time,

- Captain Cellfish
iNspector # 12
(Fruit of the Loom)

Unworthy denizens of this pathetic planet! Behold!

A phone! In a… Cup…. Of… Water!             Holy Crap!

And get this. It is slim. Fujitsu’s new year’s resolution worked. Their handsets went on Jenny Craig. Valerie Bertinelli and Kirstie Alley got drunk and made out with it. Now it is slim and sexy. Ready for the runways of Milan… The underwater runways that is!

In a time where being the first seems to be more important than being good, or even being useful, my good friends over at Fujitsu have touched the gods. (not inappropriate touching either).

For the person who drops their phone in the toilet once a week, or the sloppy drunk who can’t seem to direct the beer into his/her quivering mouth, a large electronics corp has devoted their resources to make this incredible creation. While companies across this planet could have been making greener phones who’s compounds don’t poison the earth, or phones that get solid reception in elevators, or have better video capabilities, or emit less radiation, or are cheaper, or have better web access, or higher resolution screens, or smoother keypads, or can buy clothes, or open your garage door, or change the channel on your Tivo… Nope Fujitsu made a slim waterproof phone. Amazing!

BTW kudos on the branding guys. With a name like F705i the Razr better hide and the iPhone better run for the hills. I have been privileged to find out that the F705i was actually chosen over some of these other great names.

The following is a secret Fujitsu Marketing email that I intercepted.

—– Begin Transmission ——
To: Frank DelNipple
From: Carl
Subj: Possible names for the waterproof phone

Hey Frank,

The marketing team and I have come up with a list of hot ass names for the new phone. This thing is gonna sell like hot cakes to the 1 meter deep snorkeling cellphone community. While we all love the name F705i, we feel there may be some market share that we’re not tapping into. Please choose from the following list, and we’ll move forward with the “Hey, it’s in a cup!” Ad campaign.

These are the alternate names.
(I’m all about #4)

1. The Fujitsu Drooler
2. JHX2347QNGE
3. Fuji Sponge
4. Electric Gerbil
5. Meat Juice Fujitsu
6. Not Wet Talky Thing
7. Cocaine (this was Dierdra’s idea, I have already fired her)

Hugs & Smooches,

Carl

—– End Transmission ——

Next up Fujitsu will be launching, these great new products.
Spring ‘08 - The Chubster (the fattest waterproof phone)
Fall ‘08 - The Unicall (a unicycle cellphone for clowns)
Winter ‘09 - Mobile Pastrami (a lunch meat version of the F705i)

Okay, that’s enough…

Why am I ripping Fujitsu a new one here? I have to say I don’t quite know. The company never insulted me or my family. They never pooped on my lawn (I don’t even have a lawn). Their products seem fine. I even like their logo. So why would I do this to them?

I’ll tell you. Because I am a blogger, and bloggers defame with impunity. So defame I will. With impunity!

Here’s the cellphone gadget I just bought.

Talk about useful!  You can get it here

- Captain Cellfish
Amateur Beta Tester

p.s. I hereby formally apologize to Yoshihiko Masuda CEO of Fujitsu for any bad things I said. I was only kidding. (seriously though, the name is pretty whack)

Yes it’s true. The Norwegians have done it again.

Surprising? Heck no! These guys have been catching the world off guard for eons. 1st there were the Viking invasions, then the great speed skating sex scandals of 1912, and now this. Norwegian airlines has just announced that passengers will now be able to use their cell phones on flights. Read the facts here.

So the next time you’re going from Dubrovnik (DBV) to Trondheim (TRD) you will have the god given right to call your buddy and tell him all about how scrumptious that incredible plate of Rakfisk (fermented Norwegian trout, see below) you chowed this morning was.

Yummy!

So if the Norse can do it why can’t we?

God, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that…

Word on the street is that, when that massive bandwidth auction takes place, a little section might be used to create a little space for all of us to use on our trips through the great blue yonder. Won’t that be nice.

Now, you’ll be able to drown out the dreaded screaming child by sitting next to a caffeinated teenage girl en route to spring break, a few death metal ring tones, a weeping divorce’ talking to her lawyer, a drunk toner salesman chatting up his mistress, and me, explaining a dream I had to my pal, that was about a time when I went to Subway, and they only had seven grain bread. (true story, that was the whole f-ing dream. When I woke up I realized I needed some more excitement in my life)

So let’s assume that this statement is true. Most people hate most of the people they see around them at all times. Then it’s pretty safe to assume that unbridled cellphone usage on planes might not be the best idea in the world. We could have some pretty serious rage incidents of Nokia’s beging smashed on people’s heads, or iPhones being used as forced suppositories.

Sure, if your halfway through your flight from Gadank (GDN) to Stavanger (SVG) and these two kindly Norwegians are chatting with their grand daughters at the luge training facility, life would be fine.

Or better yet, the grand daughters are sitting next to you talking to Mamu and Papi on the phone. (see imaginary grand daughters below)

But we here in America are used to different in-flight experiences. We get the kind where religious zealots with bad breath, screaming parents, kvetching retirees and surly 25 year veteran stewardesses do everything in their power to disturb you. So let’s be careful how we open up the airways.

Speaking of airways, when the Captain was but a young lad there was a time where leathery skinned, raspy smokers used to populate the backs of planes, calming their frayed nerves with an endless stream of Camel un-filtereds. A pleasant smell? Not really, but the one thing I knew was that that was where the cool kids were hanging out. So that is what I propose. A calling section, similar to the smoking section of old. More of a lounge than a seat.

As this is a topic that will soon be upon us like a plate of fresh Pinnekjøtt, I ask all of you, my readers, to chime in and let me know how you feel. Yes, we are a mobile world now, and I, working for a mobile entertainment company value my cell phone and all the awesome things it can do as much as the next Norwegian, but do we really want that last place of disconnectedness to be, all of a sudden very much online?

I for one, do not know the answer. So please, chime in friends.

- Captain Cellfish
Assistant to Prime Minister Thorbjørn Jagland

Okay, so we’ve all heard the stories.

Britney dumping K-Fed by text message, Giuliani professing love for Mike Huckabee during the last debate via love text notes of less than 160 characters, Moses getting the 11th commandment by SMS. Yes, the text message is now officially, an entrenched part of our society. Like a holiday house guest that won’t leave, drinks all your scotch, pees on the toilet seat, sleeps naked on your couch, and makes love to your aunt (Max, if you’re reading this, it is really time for you to leave).

That being said, there are no official rules yet for this method of communication. There are plenty of letter writing rules, emailing regulations and phone manner do’s and don’ts, but really not too much out there about text messaging. It’s sort of like the wild west right now (minus the streets covered in filth, the burlesque dancers, and the lack of antibiotics). I’ve taken the cue from you, my reading public to continue my quest to illuminate all that is shadowed in the world of text messaging. Some may say I’m a loser (and by some, I mean all), but I will trudge on. Did HL Mencken stop when people said he’d never amount to anything?

So if you haven’t already please read my expose post on T9’s Text Message Censorship. It’s basically like Edward R Murrow, meets Rainbow Brite.

So without further… The top 6 things it is NOT okay to do Via Text message.

6. Fire Someone
Hear this… Even if your employee hasn’t been in in weeks, you’ve traced the buttock xeroxes to him, and the most work he’s put in this quarter is extensive picture tagging of strangers on Facebook, do not fire him by text message. It’s cruel, cowardly, and just plain wrong. If someone has to get the boot, at least show him the decency of actually placing a boot on his butt. Messages such as this, “Harold, IMAO we won’t be needing your services anymore, thanks for your time here at Uglyco. CYAL8R!” should never be written.

5. Coming Out Of The Closet
The thing about text messaging is that there is a huge margin of error built in to the system. Between the small size of the screen, the clumsy fingering, the reviewing that never happens, and the vagaries of predictive text software, your very important message could “come out” all wrong. Outing yourself is not something you want to mess up. You really only get one shot at it so make it count. Banners hanging out of your window, tattoos, soap box proclamations, marching bands, these are all better than a text message coming out notice.

4. Suicide Notes
Maybe if you are the type of person who would leave their suicide note by SMS, you should kill yourself. But for the rest of us, text messages are officially the least dramatic form of writing on this planet. They are right below musical greeting cards, nutritional information, and blogs. So for your own suicide, that most dramatic of moments, you would have to be a Colonel in the Whack Brigade to leave a note saying something like, “Life was 2 much of a burden for me. I luv u Phillip, TTFN.”

3. Medical Results
Yes, we all know that in today’s world people are always on the go, and you need your information at the speed of light’s sneezes, but getting medical test results from your doctor via text message will just never be a good thing. “U r Prgnt!” is just so bad in so many ways. Not mention the possibility of sending it to the wrong person. Let’s keep it to a nervous phone call, and a nurse who sounds like she hates you.

2. Wishing Your Mother a Happy Birthday
When you care enough to do the very least! Listen, E-cards ain’t so hot either, but at least there is a modicum of effort involved. If you’re looking to get yourself cut out of a will, then this is the way to go. It’s like tipping one penny. It’s nicer to forget to tip, than to leave one penny. One penny says you hated the service so much, that you had to make a point of it. Well, it’s the same with a text message birthday greeting to the woman who put you on this planet. And the chances are that she probably won’t even know how to open the message anyway, so call her up, will ya?

1. Break-Ups
I mean, just be a man or woman about it ,and have the courage to do it at least through a voice mail. We know how attractive the idea of not having to actually take part in the break-up interaction is, but it is that very desire to stay away, which makes it important for us to be involved. It is in those trying times that we get the knowledge of exactly how poorly we behave when we’re in situations we don’t like. And that knowledge is priceless.

So where does this leave us in regards to text messaging. Let’s say this, as a general statement. Texting ain’t so hot for anything serious. If you would deem your message as important, probably best to find an alternate mode of communication. A real life visit, a phone call, a carrier pigeon, all of these things would work better. But on the plus side there is no better way to tell your buddy that the girl he’s talking to is not attractive than the ole’ Text Message. So here’s to you, shining beacon of shallow talk. May our days be filled with abbreviations, and our nights with LOL’s!

Here’s a little video for your viewing pleasure.

))><((
(ten bucks to anyone who can tell me what that symbol is)

-Captain Cellfish
Executive Vice President, Viral Marketing
AOL Instant Messenger

It is here. The Cellfish Facebook app. We have launched. And so far its maiden voyage seems to be going great.

Oh yes, and what an app it is. Check it out here, or here, or you can even check it out here.

Basically, this bad boy lets you take any of your pictures, or any of your friends pictures and get them right on your phone. Simple, sexy, and clean. Like a dumb, gorgeous, dental hygienist.

So here’s the deal, go download the app, then get all of your friends to download it. Next thing you know photos are being zipped to phones all over the place. And then we’ll be one step closer to world peace. (not quite sure how, but I’m 98% sure we will be)

There she is, in all her glory. To tell you the truth sometimes I just sit at my desk and stare at it. It’s a syndrome called Application Obsession Disorder. Or AOD. If you suspect that you might be afflicted with this horrible disease, ask your doctor if Cellfish is right for you. Side effects include, euphoria, prickly toes, and sheep.

Hugs and Kisses,

- Captain Cellfish

Founder of IHOP

Okay, you could accuse me of being a broken record if I knew what a record was, but I don’t, so you can’t!

Well, the G-men have done it yet again. They have released Google Mobile Maps 2.0, and they have released it for free (yes, free like our ringtones). And from all reviews it sounds like it kicks serious back end. Check it out this is Jean Claude Le Goog’s demo video.

(they’re getting pretty good at these nifty little animations aren’t they?)
I also found good reviews of it at Sevenclick and Adam Howitt’s blog. (If you like reading the industry side of things check out Gizmodo or Moconews.)So here’s the thing, I think most people would agree that Colonel Goo is very powerful and wealthy. They make a “shit-ton” (a mobile industry technical term synonymous with the more common, “butt-load”) of money. So will someone please explain to me why they keep giving away all their software and great ideas for free? Anyone?… Anyone?… Matthew Broderick?

Okay fine, I’ll tell you. G-Diddy gives it all away because they are… Geniuses. They have a long range vision that is going to keep them on top for a very long time to come. You see, Baron Von Googy knows that in the incredibly tricky, shape shifting world of technology you’ll only win if you and your services are the basis from which technology is created. You have to BE the language that the developers speak, and the products and tools that they all use. And while you will not immediately receive financial reward for giving away your services, you will almost certainly create virtually limitless financial opportunities for yourself down the road.Yes, Professor G. Hendrick Oogle has done it right, and they have done it right publicly, in front of us all. A shining beacon of capitalism at it’s best. Literally giving away billions in potential sales for the opportunity for trillions down the road (I would pick up my jaw off the floor if I could just stop smooching their butt for one second, but I can’t).

So why oh why, won’t anyone else learn. Especially in (what should be) the wide open mobile industry. As I have stated many times before (see The Story of Thanksgiving) the carriers seem to be stuck in a December 24th Scrooge scenario when instead they should be in a x-mass morning, joyous, pajama clad, “Say boy!… Boy!… Come here boy!… Go and buy that fat-ass goose for me boy!” kind of mood. It would do us all a lot of good. Carriers, consumers, companies, etc.

When will they learn that the more they try and squeeze dollars out of the mobile industry, the more market share they will lose. I can tell you this, the home boys and girls over at Verizon’s $9.99/mo GPS service are none too pleased. And I’ll take it one step further. If Verizon had been giving away their great GPS service for the last three years, they’d have a whole “shit-ton” more subscribers who really wouldn’t give a damn what the Duchess of Goo had just launched.

Well, we here at Cellfish.com say, “Go Ogle!” whether you care about us or not. We love what you do, we love your business model, but bigger than that, we think how you handle the mobile world is not only financially wise, but that it will lead to a greater, more robust, and more exciting marketplace. This saucy critic says, bravo to you!

So, with all that in mind we have some pretty great news of our own!

ANNOUNCING… ADD TO PHONE!

Yes, our Add to Phone API is out and it let’s you do some pretty fresh things. You can place any of our buttons on your blog and with one simple, mousy click, your readers can get your content on their phones to take with them wherever they go.

Now your readers can be checking out your latest post while their wives deliver their children. Nuclear power plant monitors can be watching your videos while on the job. Pilots can see pictures of your family’s thanksgiving food fight while flying 747’s full of orphans. It’s awesome! And here’s the thing. It is free! Gratis, on the house, no cost, zilch, on the Underhill’s tab. Why are we doing this? Have we gone mad, are we nutty? No!

We want everyone on this blue planet of ours to get their blog news/videos/photos on their phones through us.

So here’s to hoping you all go out and grab one of our buttons and add it to your blog. Pease enjoy this little ditty about how it works.

- Captain Cellfish
2007 Best Supporting Actor Nominee

Gather ’round my little cherubic friends and I’ll tell you a tale. Come warm ye paws by my hearth, drink some of this here meade (Colt 45), and open thyne ears.

In honor of this, our yearly feast I will offer a retelling of the great American fable. The Story of Thanksgiving.

This version will be slightly different than the traditional version. In this version, the role of the Native Americans will be played by the Cellphone Carriers and the role of the Hungry Pilgrims will be played by us, Cellfish.

So here goes…

It was fall 1621 and the Pilgrims were hungry. Our fledgling crops looked pretty lame, and we needed help. We were a strong bunch of motivated, religious zealots, and we were ready to make a go of it in the new world.

We were going to make mobile entertainment here as big as it is in Europe. American mobile technology was the new world and our rickety ship had made the daunting trans Atlantic journey. And when we landed we marveled at the vast wide open spaces, the incredible marketplace that was this great land. Sure we had our stupid black hats on, our belt buckles were cumbersome, and our shoes were impractical, but we gave it all we had. Then we found that this great open territory was not quite as forgiving as it had looked from the poop deck of the Mayflower.

So we, the scrappy little pilgrims were hungry, weary, and looking for a little help from our native friends (the carriers). We were merely looking for a way to monetize mobile entertainment, so the public could get what they want, we would be able to put over-sized fowl on our tables, and the carriers could continue to rake in the dollars.

This is what we were looking for…

(btw that’s me there, the little puritanical looking number with the bonnet, giving some bread to the carriers)

But in our little version of the Thanksgiving story, we were not helped. In fact, in our version of the story, the carriers come and take our crops, let us starve in the bitter Massachusetts winter, pee on our fires, and leave us for dead.

Our version of the tale looks a bit more like this.

(that’s us with the pinky finger in our nose)

So here’s how our version of the Thanksgiving story ends. All the pilgrims die, the New World never flourishes, and Twinkies, Johnny Cash, iPhones, and the Ford Mustang never exist. The end.

If your children are crying due to the tragic nature of this tale let them know “the world is a cold place, get used to it.”

So what are the lessons that this Thanksgiving tale teaches us?

Instead of being giving, forward looking and open, the carriers have been the opposite. They have held onto every last penny making sure that the consumer has had no choice but to find alternative ways to get music and videos on their phones. If the mobile entertainment world is going to survive in the face of iPhones and Androids, something is going to have to give, and if it doesn’t, this beautiful unspoiled new world harvest which could have looked like this…

Will very soon look like this instead.

But never fear. We here at Cellfish.com have plenty to be thankful for. Our web site is kicking butt, our users are extremely happy, our offer of free ringtones is still going on (go get ‘em people, cause this giving spirit only lasts for so long) and life is all together peachy.

So happy Thanksgiving everyone.

- Captain Cellfish
Director of Revisionist History

Mobile Mumps & Cellphone Syphilis… Coming to an ear hole near you!

Yes my friends, that’s right. As these little devices in our hands get more and more powerful the little maggot hackers of the world can’t seem to help themselves. It’s official, we have Cellphone viruses now.

Here is picture of a little cell phone virus that I caught while talking to a friend of mine in Thailand.

Nasty litter bugger. Started text messaging all my friends setting up drinks that I never even knew I was going to. Next thing I know all my friends are all drunk at the bar without me, and I’m chilling at home watching Re-Runs of Project Runway. That was a bullshit Tuesday.

Seriously, these things are out there and they are growing in numbers as viruses tend to do. So be careful where you stick that phone, pal. Gone are the days of chatting with loose women and shady dudes in the park in alleys. No sir! Not no more.

So far most of the viruses are pretty harmless, like little mobile herpes. Annoying little bugs that slow down your service to a crawl or erase your contacts, but the bad ones are out there lurking. There are viruses now that will start calling foreign countries and running your bill up as high as malaria runs up your fever. Or spying on your and your family. Yikes! Paging Dr. Orwell!

So what should you do to protect yourself?
Here are 5 handy dandy tips to keep yourself from becoming The Typhoid Mary of Mobile

1. Don’t take candy from strangers!
Well the same goes for ring tones, games, wallpapers, and videos. Make sure your ring tone site is legit, cause there are a bunch of scumbags out there. (psssst! BTW I know a great place to get ring tones for free. I work there. We’re called Cellfish.com)

2. Watch for suspicious attachments to text messages
If you don’t know who it’s from, and it has an attachment, beware! You’ve been warned.

3. Get cell phone anti-virus software
You think I’m nuts? Well Symantic has the software, so do with that info as you wish. Sure Larium makes you hallucinate, but it keeps you from dying as well.

4. Watch your phone carefully
If it starts to slow down or act weird, don’t blame it on sun spots. Pull out the battery, back up your contacts immediately, and go get the damn anti-virus software I just told you get in point #3. (Check out how to back up your contacts at Dumb Little Man) If your coverage just blows, don’t go dousing your handset in rubbing alcohol. It probably means your carrier just fell asleep at the switch again.

5. Practice Safe Cellphoning
The good people at Skins Mobile have come up with a truly revolutionary concept. The phone condom. Check it out in actual, real life demonstrations.

And thank you very much Nancy for that wonderful demonstration! Really solid work there. I feel like I’m back in 6th grade getting the quick “special hug” discussion.

Here’s a pretty good post from Cell Phone Guider that tells you what to do if you do have a Cell phone virus.

Okay y’all. Class dismissed.

Oh, and a quick message to all those pud-stickers who are making these viruses out there… Why?… Can’t you do something useful with your amazing computing skills. For instance, why not put up “My Little Pony” videos on the Al Qaeda beheading video sites, or transfer Halliburton’s funds into the Mississippi public school system. Don’t attack my phone. That’s like the whackest thing you could do with your time. Smoke some pot and play halo 3, I don’t care. Fold your mother’s laundry (it’s the least you could do after living in her house for 42 years). Just do something else.

Viva La Revulsion!

- Captain Cellfish
School Nurse
St. Agatha’s School for Ailing Donkeys